


Like the air I’m breathing

by niamcuddles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:45:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 81,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamcuddles/pseuds/niamcuddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall is four years younger than Liam and he is sick of being the little brother, that is until Liam suddenly finds a girlfriend and cuts Niall out of his life completely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like the air I’m breathing

It’s not that I was a baby, because really, I was not. I had even left my favorite pillow at home for going on tour, I promise, even though now I kinda regretted it. Very much actually.

The thing was, I was not so good at dealing with anything involving loud wind and heavy rain and thunder and creepy big houses where I had to spend the night all alone in a room when the closet in front of my bed looked dangerously close to springing open and revealing my worst nightmares. Short, everything that was happening to me right now.

So yeah, half of this was my own fault, like, I could’ve just said that I didn’t want to sleep on my own, but how what that have sounded? Would’ve only made everyone start joking again, sometimes I hated being at least three and a half years younger than everyone else, five, if we’re talking about Louis, yeah, out of all of them, he for sure wouldn’t miss out on reminding me.

On the other hand though, it wasn’t like anyone was truly trying to hurt my feelings, I know, sometimes it was nice, because of the age difference everyone basically let me get away with everything, especially Liam.

When we had met, he had somehow started to think that it was his job to protect me from the rest of the world, at first I had found it a bit strange like, which boy wants to be babied by some guy who’s four years older than him? But then, I started to like it, especially when we went on tour, Liam could cure every kind of homesickness, sadness or anything, besides, he gave the best hugs out of anyone I’ve ever met.

Talking about that, Liam was the greatest person I’ve ever met in general, that was my other problem, he would actually kiss me on the forehead, cuddle me and even hold my hand, but because he saw me as his little brother that he needed to take care of. All of them did, but with Liam, I really wished he wouldn’t, because well… how the hell would he react if I ever told him that I really, really loved him? Not like I loved the others, but so much that I got jealous over his girlfriends? He’d always see me as this barely thirteen year old I had been when we had met, which was highly depressing, I shouldn’t have thought about any of that NOW.

See, we had a few days off now, so we had this really cool (or so everyone had tricked me into thinking until this very moment) house, but somehow it had started raining in the evening, so now, at 2am, there was a freaking storm outside my window, it was so bad, I thought my window would burst or something, I didn’t even have a curtain to save myself from the sight of a flickering street latern or thunder lightning up my whole room.

Great.

As I was clenching to my blanket, I tried really hard not to start crying, but I was so fucking scared, I didn’t know how to even move a finger anymore. The storm alone wasn’t the problem, but the screeching noises from the closet and, I swear to god, I had seen some shadow from under my bed, I SWEAR.

My fucking door was too far away anyway, I couldn’t just get up and run downstairs, maybe burst into Liam’s room, no way…

Oh my god, I’d die one week before my sixteenth birthday, why was this happening to me, why was it even storming, wasn’t it supposed to be warm and nice outside, god damn, did no one check the weather before getting us on tour? Obviously not.

After another really weird noise coming from somewhere above me (I swear, the attic was haunted as well as my whole room), the idea of running away became more appealing to me, I would die anyway, I could just get it over with, at least I would’ve lost my life while trying to escape rather than with a blanket wrapped around me in my bed and silently cursing myself because I had forgotten to check under my bed like a child.

After managing to catch my breath a little, trying to figure out how far away my door actually was, I decided to count down to five before running, I don’t know why I didn’t just do it, I was just trying to find a reason why I really had to stay.

Okay, one. God, I really couldn’t do this, Liam would think I was a baby.

Two. Or maybe I could go to any of the other boys…

Three. But Louis and Harry were probably naked and Zayn wouldn’t wake up.

Four. Besides I just wanted Liam and no one else.

Five.

As you might have guessed, I didn’t get up, I leaned forward a little though, before freezing over imaging another shadow, that’s when I started crying for real. Not bad, just a little, but embarrassing enough in case anyone would ever find out, especially Liam, I mean, he would never make fun of me but it wouldn’t exactly help him to not see me as a little child anymore and… FUCK WHAT WAS THAT NOISE THERE WAS A MONSTER IN THIS HOUSE, I’M SERIOUS.

Before I even knew it, I was up on my feet and in the hall, barely thinking that everyone else’s room was much closer than the one I was headed for, but it was a first reaction to seek comfort in Liam’s arms if I had a choice, like natural instinct.

I felt pretty paranoid trying not to slip on the stairs while resisting the urge to look over my shoulder, I just had to keep going, it was fine, the door was only like, ten meters away or so.

Even the carpet nearly made me scream as I almost tripped, face forward, but I swallowed it down for everyone’s sake, making a quick decision not to knock when I was only five steps away, this was an emergency, you didn’t ask whether you were allowed to enter a room when you were being followed by a freaking monster okay.

The handle felt cold on my hand, not really pleasant as I was shivering already, scared to press down. Please, don’t be locked, please…thank god.

Since Liam was most likely asleep, I tried to put him in front of my safety, stepping inside slowly, not while screaming my head off and smashing the door like I had planned to, no, I closed it softly, just standing there for a second or two in hope my heart wouldn’t jump out and slow down a bit.

It was almost calming how I was hit with Liam’s smell as soon as I was in his room, it was familiar, something I associated with being safe and not being alone. Everything I didn’t feel right now.

There was no curtain in Liam’s room either (why, you may ask, since we’re not exactly what you call poor, let me tell you, I have no fucking idea), so I could see whether I would step on something as I tip toed to his bed, though there was nothing to step on really, Liam kept his stuff clean and folded, something I had taken over after he had had a rent over how no one ever cleaned up after themselves. See, I even tried to make his life easier.

For a second there, my worries faded a little, I was still crying a little, but Liam was in his bed, sleeping, and hearing him breathe alone woke up a million butterflies in my stomach, or maybe it was someone slowly stabbing me to death from behind. Oh, right, the reason why I was even here.

"Li? Wake up." I tried to speak normally, not whispering, while poking his shoulder a little, I couldn’t have sounded any more pathetic, not possible. "Liam."

He moved a little, to his side now so he was facing me, but didn’t wake up, I could’ve just gotten in his bed, I knew he wouldn’t mind, but I needed him to tell me that I wasn’t going to get murdered by a ghost. And maybe get a hug. And a kiss. And some cuddling. Oh, why was he still asleep?

"Please, Liam, wake up. I’m scared. Liam." My voice broke a little at the end, I was panicking because there had just been a sound as if some tree had fallen down outside, or maybe the roof was coming down, now I would die due to a storm instead of being stabbed, I should be thankful, but I was shaking instead, not even bothering to wipe my eyes anymore, poking Liam’s shoulder once more.

Maybe a bit too hard, because this time, he groaned a little before half sitting up on his elbow, yawning. If I hadn’t been frozen and scared to death, I would’ve hugged the hell out of him now.

"Ni? What’s up? Isn’t it like…" We both squinted our eyes shut a little as he turned on the light of his bedside table to look at his watch. "It’s two am. What…" Then he looked up, confused at first, but his face immediately turned softer as our eyes met, he sat up straight now. "Why are you crying, babe? Did anything happen?"

Not being able to talk without sobbing probably, I sticked to simply shaking my head a little, my fingers were twisting into my shirt without me even noticing, but now that I was actually here with Liam awake, I felt myself blush a little over how much of a baby I really was.

"Okay, come here." This was the reason why I had come, Liam moved back a little to create more space in his bed, throwing the blanket back for me, smiling a comforting smile at me as he stretched his arms out towards me a little, he was so, so nice, how could anyone not want to constantly be with him?

I didn’t bother answering, or pretending that I didn’t want him to hold me, because I did, so I just got into his bed, crawling right into his lap and snuggling up to him without hesitating, there was no point, besides Liam didn’t mind at all.

All the drama seemed completely unnecessary as he hugged me to his chest, rearranging the blanket so it would cover me as well. Outside was still a pretty bad storm going on, however I barely noticed it now, all I thought about was that I never wanted to move away again, Liam wouldn’t have had to even say another word for me to know that I was safe with him.

"Are you all right, Nialler?" Nooo. "Can’t you fall asleep? Is it the storm?"

This time I shrugged slightly, not wanting to say yes, however he got his confession when I buried my face in his shoulder just as there was another very loud thunder causing me to shiver slightly. Okay, maybe Liam’s presence alone couldn’t cure everything.

"Aww, you don’t have to be scared, Ni. It’s all good, okay? I’m here." He kissed the top of my head, rocking me a bit like you would do with a toddler. This was not the time and place to get depressed though, so I tried to not think of the reasons of why he was doing all of this stuff and just tried to capture the moment, his hand rubbing my back a bit, his warmth that I felt through his shirt, things like that kept me going. "Come on, talk to me, baby." And the nicknames.

"I… I don’t know… it’s just… there was this noise… in my room and…" Since it was getting too pathetic, I shut my mouth, twisting my fingers into his shirt instead, not thinking about lifting my head, I felt like my face must have been glowing.

"Should we go and check?" WHAT NO.

"No, there’s something in this house, I don’t want to, I’m scared." It just slipped out accidentally, but I panicked, I hadn’t planned on going back to my own room, I just wanted to stay in Liam’s lap, anywhere else was unsafe.

"But you don’t have to be scared when I’m with you, I just want to show you that your room isn’t haunted." Well who cares about my room I could just move to his ha ha ha…

"No." I was trying to be convincing here, so I lifted my head off of his shoulder to look at him, he was smiling softly, pressing a kiss onto my forehead as soon as I sat up more straight before softly drying my cheeks a bit with one hand.

"Nothing’s going to happen, I promise." Even if he always kept his promises, I shook my head again, it was childish, yes, but better than nearly ripping his hand off because I was so fucking scared about going back.

"But I don’t want to, Liam." The noises outside were increasing if anything, I pressed tighter into him, getting a tighter squeeze back in return, and a smirk because obviously it was very funny when I was pouting and being afraid of something.

"You’ll sleep better when we go check, besides we have to stay here for another week." Wait, did he want me to go back to my room and stay there?! Oh…

"I was kinda hoping that..uhmm…" Oh, hell, I shouldn’t have started this, it was too late now though, so I buried my head in his shoulder again quickly, not wanting to finish the sentence.

"Hoping what?" Liam was speaking quieter now, more serious, his hand hadn’t left my cheek which made it hard to concentrate when he was stroking my skin with his thumb slowly and also the sudden wave of sadness as I thought about him rather being alone than letting me stay.

"That uuh… you wouldn’t mind if I…if I sleep in your bed… just tonight, I mean. Or not, it’s okay, I can-"

"Oh, Niall." Before I was able to even finish my stupid attempt to cover up that really, I had just been hurt and about to cry again, Liam suddenly laughed, hugging me so tight all of a sudden, he was nearly squishing me. "You’re so cute."

"Liam-" It should have worried anyone how he covered my face in kisses as I looked up, however I knew why he didn’t spend a thought, because I was just ‘his little brother’, not even his girlfriend would have complained. He didn’t have one right now, but the last one had actually seen me sitting on his lap and guess what, she had been worried whether I was okay rather than what the fuck I was doing on top of her boyfriend. I needed to stop this. "Liam, stop, I’m not a baby, I’m nearly sixteen."

"Yes, but you’re always gonna stay our baby." Yeah, see the problem. "And you can always come sleep in my bed." Better.

"If you don’t want me to-"

"I didn’t mean it like that and you know it." With a final kiss on my fucking nose, he smiled the most gorgeous smile at me, starting to move all of a sudden. "Come on, we’ll go check and then you can decide which side of the bed you want. For tonight or the whole week, whatever you want."

"Okay…" Who could’ve resisted him NOW? Not me, I was so stupid, I swear to god, pretty pathetic too, and a coward above all. I could have told him to stop babying me, it only hurt me every time to be reminded that it meant something so completely different to each of us, but at the same time, I’d probably die without Liam babying me. There was no way out of this.

Liam could easily force me to stand up as he did so, he could’ve also lifted me up, all of them could, but Liam made it seem as if I weighed exactly nothing. Unfair.

"I’m not so sure about this…" I threw in carefully, not complaining at all when I felt him shoving his fingers through mine, pulling me to the door softly, still with this smile on his face, not as if he was laughing about me secretly, but a sweet one, as if he really cared.

"I’ll let nothing happen to you." I really believed him, but as soon as he opened his door, I started shivering again, stepping so close to Liam that both of us nearly tripped if he hadn’t payed attention.

Someone must’ve left a window open, I could hear the storm even better in the dark hall, if Liam hadn’t been here offering his arm to be ripped off, I would’ve died of a stroke right on the spot. “We should go back.”

"Why are you whispering?" Unlike me, Liam spoke in a normal voice, just reaching over to turn on the lights as if it was the easiest thing ever, leaving me no choice but to go with him as he headed for the stairs, if I didn’t want to let go of his hand or stop pressing into his side, which were the last things on my mind, trust me, I had to keep up.

"I don’t know…I… the others are sleeping, we shouldn’t wake them." No way would I speak louder, there was something after me, I wasn’t dumb, okay.

There was no answer, Liam just sighed lightly, pressing his lips onto my head briefly, I was so paranoid at this point, I didn’t even blush or check his face, I was just constantly looking around, trying to hold Liam’s hand even tighter than I already did.

Surprisingly, turning up every single light didn’t help me at all, if I could’ve, I would’ve probably crawled under Liam’s shirt just so I didn’t have to see. How the hell had I ever thought of this house as remotely cool? It was a freaking nightmare and probably the perfect place for a crime or one of the horror movies that I couldn’t get out of my mind for weeks. When I told Liam that though, it didn’t stop him from walking up the stairs, pulling me with him, fearlessly entering my haunted room to turn the light up there as well. At this point I was half hiding behind him until I remembered that maybe the thing that was after me was just waiting to attack me from behind. Oh my god.

"Can we go back now, please? I don’t wanna go any nearer to the closet." I was still whispering, both hands clenched desperately around Liam’s, he had stopped rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb after I had made it impossible by grabbing him even tighter.

"There’s nothing in there, babe, look." With those words he did exactly what I had tried to avoid most of all, pulling me over to the closet to reach out and open it, I’m not gonna lie, I nearly had a heart attack.

"No, don’t!" Liam ignored me, so I let go of his hand (it had an unhealthy red tone to it now), hiding fully behind him with my face pressed into his back, I didn’t want him to die but it was a natural reaction to hide.

"Niall, look, come on, there’s nothing in there except for your suitcase. Nice boxer shorts by the way." WHY WAS HE GIGGLING.

"No." I wondered whether he would be mad in case I ripped his shirt, on the other hand though, we would both be dead soon.

"Niall, it’s just a closet." Yeah, that’s what they say before they get ripped open and eaten.

"No." Liam laughed quietly, it didn’t get me mad simply because my heart was bumping so loudly, I wasn’t even quite sure if I had heard right.

Before I knew what was going on, Liam had reached behind, using his strength against me to unclench my fingers, trying to pull me to his side again, I obeyed after a while, peeking past his arm to see that he hadn’t been bullshitting me, but my only thought was that, if the closet was empty then… “Maybe it’s under the bed now.”

I got quite a funny look for that, half smiling, Liam kissed my forehead before actually letting go of me to go flat on his stomach to check. That got me even more nervous than I had been in the beginning, if he was on the floor he couldn’t protect me for god’s sake! “Nothing there either.”

"I believe you, let’s go back, please, Li, stand back up." Yeah, maybe I was overreacting while whimpering, nearly crying again, I should’ve just waited in his room. Maybe taken some sleeping pills so this awful night would end already.

It probably were my watery eyes, but when Liam sighed and got to his feet again, his face turned soft as he looked at me, pulling me into a hug that I returned gratefully. I loved when he hugged me, because I could bury my face in his shoulder and he never forgot to rub my back softly.

"Okay, let’s go to bed." We shouldn’t have left it in the first place. "Do you want me to carry you?"

"No, it’s okay. " Yes, please.

The reason why I didn’t want him to carry me was because I had embarrassed myself enough tonight, it would only give him more reason to think I was just a dumb child. Which was probably right and mostly my own fault, but I desperately wished he’d see me differently. Which would never happen. Ever.

"Hey, don’t pull such a face, Ni. I promise you right now that nothing will hurt you, okay?" Thinking I had replayed every single horror movie I’ve ever watched in my head again, Liam kept me by his side with his arm around my shoulder as he led me out of the room again. I was more worried about my thoughts revolving around him than the house all of a sudden.

"Okay." Was all I replied, wrapping both my arms around his waist, trying to get the most out of this situation now. It complicated our walk downstairs to his room a bit, but Liam didn’t complain, he just turned out the lights again, rubbing my shoulder a bit, maybe so I wouldn’t get too freaked out. Too late.

Despite the fact that I obviously had bigger problems, I still shivered a little when we were plunged in complete darkness again, though I was in Liam’s bed now, with the wall on one side and him on the other, I couldn’t even stand the one second he was not touching me to rearrange the blanket.

"Liam…" He was really close, I saw his figure over me before he leaned down to press his lips to my temple, making my eyes fall shut. I could’ve just turned my head, accidentally of course, so maybe his mouth would’ve met mine…just kidding, ha ha ha…

"I’m right here, baby." If he continued to call me that I would start crying for the third time today, no one called me that besides him.

I felt him lying down, his hand had somehow ended up in my face, it was both calming and a little (very) distracting to feel him stroking my skin softly, playing with a few pieces of my hair a bit, but that wasn’t quite good enough. Since it was still very loud outside, I didn’t have to wait long for a bit louder thunder, using it as an excuse to move towards Liam, he took it the way I had expected, moving his arm around my waist under the blanket to pull me closer. Not close enough yet.

"Niall… are you sure you’re gonna be okay tomorrow?" What a good time to remind me that tomorrow I’d be all alone in this house because I was too young to go out with the others.

"Sure…I’ll just watch TV or something… go on twitter…" And die. Nothing special.

"I can stay if-"

"No. You’ve been planning this, it’s for your birthday, you have to." Since no one except for Louis was 21 yet, they hadn’t been able to celebrate Liam’s birthday properly because we had been in the US that time, so now that we were in Canada they’d go out here.

"Well, my birthday wasn’t so bad, I’d survive staying here I guess." When he chuckled quietly, I could nearly feel his breath on my forehead, trying to scoot closer without him noticing, but it’s not like he would’ve minded, we had slept with me nearly on top of him before, I was just a little shy all of a sudden.

"It’s okay." With what excuse would he stay in anyway, ‘Niall can’t be alone, he needs a babysitter, I’ll stay.’, yeah that would so not make everyone laugh at me.

"I hope so…" He sounded more worried than I was about not being cuddled into him right now, I liked the fact that he cared so much but I wasn’t feeling well at the thought of being alone here either. "You can just sleep in my bed… if you want to, I mean."

"Really?" Right after it was out, I mentally slapped myself, I shouldn’t have sounded so excited.

"Yeah, sure, if that helps." It would, because his smell was everywhere in here and I could just stay up and pretend to sleep until he came back, that was a pretty good plan. "You need to sleep now, though, it’s quite late."

"Sorry for, you know… waking you and stuff…" I wasn’t really sorry, for the record, I just wanted him to keep on talking for a bit while I pretended not to notice how I moved closer.

"That’s fine, you can always come to me, no matter what time it is." My eyes were still closed, so I was a bit surprised as I felt his lips on my cheek, again, he was so nice today, I didn’t feel so embarrassed about being so touchy-feely anymore. "And I’m quite proud you came to me instead of the others." Oh. Well, there did my pale face go.

"I-I… it’s just that…you know…the others would maybe laugh at me or so… I don’t know…" In fact, I felt so caught all of a sudden, I quickly gave up my tries to get closer to him, moving into the other direction instead. That’s something I should’ve considered, his room was the furthest from mine.

"I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t…" Then he made a pause, making his lie very obvious, which was fine, I knew he was just trying to comfort me. "But you know what, it doesn’t matter, because you’ve got me. So come back here."

I might have understated Liam a little if it came to watching my movements, because as soon as he noticed how much distance I had brought between us (well, it was still too close to not getting made fun of), he nearly squished me against his chest, leaving me no choice but to snuggle my head into the crook of his neck. What a coincidence. Not.

It immediately made me relax to be this close to him, not nervous as you might think. It’s just that, normally I would’ve probably gotten all blushed and giggly about my crush hugging me this tight to his body, but it was different with Liam. I had gotten used to being like this with him as friends first before developing this unhealthy obsession, he was familiar, calming, everything I associated with being safe and loved. That didn’t make anything easier at all, because how the hell would I survive us growing out of this phase where everything was allowed? I could’ve just gone and kissed his cheek or jumped on his lap with everyone watching, but imagine me doing that in five years.

I just wanted to keep him forever.

"You alright?" Liam made me snap back into reality, which wasn’t bad either, because he still wouldn’t let me move more than an inch, I felt him resting his chin on my head, his legs against mine under the blanket, not loosening his grip.

"I am now." Wow, what a dumb answer, luckily it was muffled by his shirt.

"Alright." He seemed to be pleased though, kissing my head before letting go with one hand to play with my hair instead, it seemed to be his favorite activity to do, I don’t think he even noticed it anymore. Like a cat you stroke. But it’s not like I would complain, because it was my favorite activity as well. "Do you think you can go to sleep now?"

"I guess… I can try…" My fear was nearly gone, it was still storming outside, but all I really thought about was Liam’s warmth and his smell and his fingers in my hair and how his lips felt when he would sometimes randomly kiss some parts of my face. So…

"If you can’t that’s fine too, we can just talk, you know. I’ll stay awake until you’re asleep, promised." Trust me, he would, he really would. And my heart would burst too.

"Thank you, Li… I love you." Even though I meant it, it was nothing I wasn’t used to telling him, because he would never ever guess what I really wanted to say, but it did make me nervous, saying it out loud, it seemed to be so much easier to tell everyone else even though with him, I truly meant it.

"Anything for you. I love you too, babe." Yeah… it was kinda embarrassing how fast my heart started pounding every time he would reply like that, because for a tiny second, you know, I could just make up that things were like I wanted them to be. If we actually had been dating (which was a ridiculous thought) then nothing would’ve been different, not our words or the way I was snuggled up in his arms. Not healthy at all. Especially not when I knew I’d have to watch his next girlfriend doing the same, just … more.

We talked a little bit longer, mostly him though, quietly, so I would get tired probably, which worked out really good in the end. I just drifted off while he was going on about how great my birthday present was, but all I thought was that I couldn’t imagine him giving me anything better than letting me sleep in his arms like this to be honest.

 

Somehow I felt strangely well as I woke up, for a second surprised that I wasn’t in my own room, then last night came back into my mind slowly.

That’s why turning around, it disappointed me a tiny bit to see the bed empty besides myself, there was light outside which meant Liam was probably already up and wouldn’t come back. Dang it.

Not bothering to look for a clock, I threw back the blanket (which seemed a lot like someone had tugged me back in, I usually woke up with it somewhere on the edge of the bed), shivering a bit, because wow, it was actually cold. Thinking about that, I could’ve just stolen one of Liam’s hoodies, they seemed to be staring at me from where his suitcase was, but I resisted as I walked by to the door, it would only bring people to false conclusions and destroy my plan to act like I had slept in my own bed. Liam wouldn’t say a word to anyone, I didn’t even have to ask him to keep quiet, he was just so sweet and nice, he’d never get me embarrassed in front of the others.

The house was as empty as it had been last night, only not dark anymore, not creepy at all now, maybe I really needed to just grow up. Well, I’d love to think the same in a few hours all alone in here. Oh god, just the thought made me shiver even harder as I tried to be quiet on my way to the kitchen, just in case everyone else was still asleep, no need to wake them, I didn’t mind being alone with Liam, not at all.

My dreams found an end as I heard Louis’ laughter, why was he so happy in the morning, I was just tired and sad because Liam had left me, not a good combination to face my bandmates.

The first thing that came to my mind was I should go back to bed, then I remembered that I was terrified of my own room and that I actually also didn’t want my bed just Liam, so I could as well stay and face Louis’ amused face when I came into view. He was sitting on the table, eating some cereal, while Liam threw a glance over his shoulder, giving me a smile. That didn’t make up for letting me wake up all alone.

"Good morning." It didn’t come out in a normal way, but with a slight sarcastic undertone that Louis’ voice always seems to have, I usually ignored it. Or tried to.

"Hi." As I walked past, he reached around to ruffle my hair, I wish I could’ve just been a bit taller, but that would’ve also meant I couldn’t have fitted perfectly into Liam’s lap anymore so let’s forget that.

"Slept well?" If I wouldn’t have known Liam better than the back of my hand, I would’ve accused him of spilling my secret, but he came up behind me, rubbing my bare upper arms a bit with his hands before simply reaching over me into the fridge and giving me a kiss on the back of my head before stepping away. It always was like that, no one commented it, Louis would ruffle my hair, so would Zayn, Harry sometimes did too, but he also tended to hug me while Liam was the only one doing all of those things plus giving me kisses, not that I’d complain. They all did it out of routine anyway, because I would always stay so much younger than them, it wasn’t weird, not even to me.

"Yeah…" I barely remembered to answer Louis, I was both stuck with the remaining feeling of Liam’s hands on my arms but also with the decision of what to eat. There was nothing there, we weren’t really supposed to eat junk food, but since I didn’t even remotely look like any of the others and also never would, why bother changing my eating habits, I hadn’t managed to do it until now, it was too late to start anyway. Besides, it wasn’t like I had to loose weight, the problem were probably my non existing muscles.

"Well, that doesn’t sound like it." Hearing this, I made sure to not sit too obviously next to Liam, deciding that being able to look at him over the table was better than giving Louis bad ideas, I wasn’t so good at hiding things. "Did you have homework to do?"

Liam groaned at that, he didn’t look at me though but Louis who grinned over his joke. “If we’re gonna start with this again I’ll make you take one of those tests and then we will see who could use homework better.”

"Seeing as I am finished with school unlike some other people in this room-"

"No, I didn’t have homework." I threw in, Liam looked like he would explode or something, could be that yesterday we had had our weekly ‘Let’s make fun of Niall, because he’s got a teacher with him on tour’, which might have ended with me nearly starting to cry. I’d be free of all of this teasing in a month hopefully.

"Okay, then maybe you couldn’t sleep because of the storm, it was pretty loud." Even though it sounded caring, Louis was still grinning while Liam gave up completely with an annoyed sigh, he gave me a sympathetic look before going over to eating his cereal. It wasn’t one of the kinds that taste good, it was just nasty stuff that I should’ve probably been eating as well, but I sticked to pop tarts.

"What storm?" Okay, that was too much, I had practically told him that I had been in my bed for two hours trying to build up the courage to even go to Liam’s room.

"You can’t fool me, Nialler, I’m years ahead of you." Literally. "So do you need us to call a babysitter over tonight?"

"No, thank you." Having a cool comeback that would have made Liam laugh would’ve been better, but acting like I wasn’t being bothered was better than pouting like I wanted to. This would never stop, would it.

Louis just shrugged anyway, I made sure to look down now, as if I was still tired, maybe he’d stop making conversation with me. “Liam. Don’t glare at me like that, I was just asking a simple question.”

"Why don’t you go and ask someone else simple questions." It made me proud that Liam was always defending me, however it usually didn’t work out and got him angrier than me.

"Alright. Liam, do you think we should get Niall a babysitter tonight?" This wasn’t even about me anymore, I continued eating, as silent and innocent as possible, not once looking about from the table. "Or maybe a pet hotel."

"You know what…" Someone was standing up, I hoped it wasn’t Liam getting ready to throw punches or something.

"What? Don’t get so angry, it’s only eight in the morning." Really? Only eight? Why the hell was I awake? "Besides…" I didn’t tense at first as I felt Louis’s hands on my shoulders, but when he continued to talk, I didn’t dare to move. "It’s quite funny how much you miss your dog. So much you have to coax leprechauns into sleeping in your bed." Well… umm… at least I got the pet hotel joke now? Shit, why did nothing ever stay a fucking secret?

"So what? Niall’s slept in your bed as well." Hahhaha can we stop this now please.

"That was when he was fourteen and only because you weren’t there." SERIOUSLY. This was not something I needed to be reminded of, it was true, yes, Liam had not been there for one night, I got homesick, the end is not hard to guess.

"Shut up, Lou, he’s my little brother, he sleeps in my bed whenever, now just leave already." Wow, this was just getting worse, they were basically pouring not small amounts at a time but fucking bags of salt into my wounds. Little brother. Babysitter. Not being able to sleep alone.

This was just screaming ‘FRIENDZONED’. Or even worse.

"Don’t get so worked up, save some for later." Louis was still in a good mood, unsurprisingly, because he always seemed to be amused, but when he finally stopped touching me to go, he squeezed me way too hard, not to hurt me, but it was strange like, it made me feel as if he had just realized how much I hated being referred to as the little brother by Liam. But then again, if he knew everything, there wouldn’t have been so many missed chances to make fun of it.

"I didn’t tell him." Was the first thing Liam said as soon as we were alone, I hadn’t thought that he had said anything, so I was quite surprised at how eager he was to make sure I didn’t blame him.

"I know." Then I shrugged, trying to smile at him over the table. My problem was not the fact that Louis knew, my problem was something that I’d never be able to tell him. Which was extra hard, because I told him everything. "I don’t actually care, it’s fine."

"We’ll just lock the door." Because that was totally convincing everyone that Liam was alone when my room was empty. Why would he even care? I was the one that was hiding a crush, not him. "Or next time he’ll take a photo and tweet it out, if this Niam thing starts again your birthday present is ruined…" So that was why. Because people can’t think that we are together, what a good morning. But wait…

"What is my birthday present?" Now I leaned forward a bit, trying to keep the sudden feeling of sickness down.

"It’s a surprise, I can’t tell you, can I." Liam seemed to relax again, his smile was genuine now, with those crinkles by his eyes that I could’ve looked at forever.

"Well, you could make an exception just for me. I won’t tell the others, I’ll act surprised, I promise." He had gotten me all excited now, which wasn’t good, because I knew he wouldn’t even think of telling me.

"It doesn’t matter, because it’s just from me and not the others. I can’t even remember whether I told them or not to be honest." Just from him. Okay, this wasn’t supposed to make me feel as if I had just been running a marathon and needed to catch my breath. Besides I would never compete in a marathon so what did I know.

"Give me a hint." I begged him, but he just laughed, reaching across to touch my chin for a second, making it REALLY hard now to not stand up and fall into his lap.

"I just did before. Just wait, you’ll know in six days." What was the hint? That he couldn’t need people thinking Niam was real, that was not a hint, that was a tragedy.

"You shouldn’t have told me, now I can’t stop thinking about it and I hope for you it’s a mind-blowing surprise because my expectations are extremely high right now." What would be a mind-blowing surprise though? Yeah, no, let’s not get into this.

"I expect you to at least act like you love it even if you don’t like it at all, which I highly doubt." Why was he so sweet, he seemed even more excited about this than he had been for his own birthday.

"And why would I do that?" Let’s face the truth, hell would have to freeze over for me to tell Liam fucking Payne I hated his present and not use the chance to hug him the rest of the day and maybe continuing the next as well.

"Because you love me." BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH.

"Well I thought you loved me too but you left me alone in bed this morning." Oops. It just slipped out, it wasn’t even supposed to sound mean, I was half laughing while saying it, but it made Liam’s face drop a bit.

"I’m sorry. I couldn’t fall back asleep, I didn’t want to wake you, I thought you could use the sleep." The fact that he was being so serious plus making a very guilty face made me immediately forgive him, not that I had been mad in the first place, but a little hurt. Now it was good though, he had just been thoughtful, of course, he always was.

"It’s okay, I was just kidding. And of course I would act as if I loved it…" I made a tiny pause, grinning at him. "I’ve done it the last three times as well, haven’t I."

"Niall!" Liam was pouting now, he was cute when he was pouting, even if it wasn’t real, maybe he just played along with my joke so I wouldn’t be disappointed. Either way, I was chuckling, his birthday presents had always been my favorite ones. Partly because of whom they came from, but not only.

"Sorry. I really liked them." You know what, I think it was okay to go over to him now, I was just trying to make him ‘feel better’.

"No, too late, now I’m mad." He shrugged, acting as if he didn’t notice me even as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind, more because I wanted to hug him every single second of my life than to make him forgive me. Which would have been stupid, he wasn’t even mad at me in the first place, and if he had been, it would have all been forgotten instantly after what I said next. As I said, I got away with everything.

"But I’m really sorry, Li. I don’t want you to hate me now." I knew exactly which tone of voice to use, putting down my head on his shoulder between my arm and his neck, things like that usually made him give in.

"Why do you always sound like a beaten puppy, Niall, come here." See?

It still surprised me when he actually pulled me onto his lap, maybe he thought I had been serious, well, if that was the outcome he could think about whatever he wanted to. “I don’t hate you.”

"Proof it by telling me what the surprise is." Now I was just laughing, he sighed at my stupidness, however the corners of his mouth went up a little before he kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to capture this moment right here, who knows maybe after this time he’d never let me sit on his lap ever again.

"Nice try, Ni. You might have to just wait." Ugh.

"But I hate waiting." I sounded so whiny, it should have been illegal to overreact so much, all I wanted was him to feel sorry for me and either hug or tell me. Or both.

"I noticed that. You mentioned it a few times before, like, every day for the past three years. Remember when-"

"No." Hm, wonder which example it would’ve been out of the ten billion choices he had.

"I just don’t want to ruin it for myself, I think I have a right to see your face when you find out. Which won’t be today or tomorrow or anytime before your birthday, sorry, babes." This changed things a little. The way he talked, how happy he was to make me happy was probably worth waiting. I mean, I already had confirmation that he had tried really hard to make this good, therefore he wanted me to like it, so that was actually enough for me, thinking about it.

"Well, I’ll survive." Liam was still smiling at me, his arms were around my waist, I didn’t want to get up now, so I smiled back quickly, snuggling my head into his shoulder, who cares if someone walked in now, this was how I wanted every morning to turn out like, no one could ruin this for me.

 

We spent the day looking at the city a bit, until we got recognized, that was when we got split up somehow and I ended up alone with Zayn, who thought it was a good idea to sneak into a random cinema and force me to watch a movie with him. Which meant I couldn’t call Liam to come join us, so I was stuck there. But I mean, it was fine, I’d see him again later. In his bed.

After I had tried to enjoy myself while actually being scared because the girls in front of us said a lot of things involving our names and I wasn’t quite sure whether they knew we could hear them. But I’m pretty sure I did not regret leaving my shirt on when everyone had been half naked a few days ago. They disagreed, hard. Also about the law that would forbid them to do things with me Zayn nearly pissed himself at. That was the point we left for good.

When we came back, everyone else was still out, so I suggested we could get pizza and cry over pictures of Liam. Just kidding, I only said the first part. Out loud.

In the end, I was the only getting pizza, Zayn was busy going back to his room and Skype with Perrie, he let me say hi and get myself embarrassed as she told me that I could be proud I was nearly sixteen. And that I was cute when I blushed which ended with both of them laughing so loud I still heard them as I walked back to the living room.

So that’s where I ended up after an eventful day of crying at two am, girls wanting to rape me to being alone eating pizza and watching TV. And I couldn’t even go out alone because I was afraid of getting recognized with none of the lads being there to help me out and also I wasn’t technically allowed to do so. Yeah, embarrassing, thanks.

As I heard the front door open, I didn’t really have any expectations, it wasn’t that late, but since they’d go out, they would leave too soon again.

Harry stole my last piece of pizza while walking by, I thought about complaining, but he gave me a innocent smile while showing off his dimples and I thought back at how he had made sure I wouldn’t get squished in between our fans today, so I shut my mouth again, watching as Louis fell across the couch behind me. Damn, he took all the space where Liam could’ve sat. See how insane I had become?

"Here." A bag dropped in my lap from above, I expected something gross or stuff like condoms, but then I almost turned around to ask Louis how he knew my favorite kind of chocolate milk, which seemed kinda strange.

"Thanks." Maybe because he didn’t know it.

"It’s not from me, Liam couldn’t come back without bringing his favorite boy a gift, obviously. And I’m not even kidding now, because that’s what he said." If he had then excuse me if I go crying. But I highly doubted it, like everything that came out of Louis’s mouth.

"I saw it and said ‘I can’t go without buying it for Niall.’" Liam had just come around the corner, he looked a bit worn out from today, but still managed to smirk at me before looking at Louis after falling into our second, smaller couch. I felt like leaning against his instead of this one, but it would’ve been obvious and besides that Louis probably wouldn’t let me go because he was busy untangling my hair for some reason.

"That’s the same thing, Liam." Then he suddenly leaned forward, so close I felt his breath in my ear, but before I could move away out of shock, he managed to whisper something to me. "And he did say you’re his favorite boy."

"I heard that." Liam didn’t seem bothered by it, while I got even more confused, at the second thought though, I felt the need to smile really big, that’s why I quickly made sure to act as if I didn’t care and started drinking.

"Yeah, and I heard you as well when we were in the store. So are you gonna deny it?" Say no, say no, say no…oh wait, right, I didn’t care.

For not caring I stared very obviously at Liam, when I noticed my mistake, he had already locked eyes with me, I tried to act normally, as if it had been pure coincidence that we were looking at each other while nearly choking on my chocolate milk as Liam smiled again. “No. Whether I said it or not.” I nearly threw up on myself, by the way.

"Good. Niall, where’s the remote, this show sucks." And then they were done with the topic, I forced myself to move my hand and give him what he wanted, staring at the screen without actually seeing what was on, my heart was pounding so loud, I was surprised they didn’t have to turn up the sound.

That’s how the next hour passed by, I couldn’t get over it, so I only talked if it would have been suspicious not to, everyone left at some point to change clothes or whatever, but when Harry and Zayn came to join us too, Louis was forced to sit up, Liam just came back, looking even better than he had before, seeing that Zayn had taken his previous seat so he took the seat behind me carefully. I had thought of sitting on the couch as well, but now I was glad that I hadn’t, as I was about to move to the side a little so Liam could sit properly, he gently stopped me, obviously not minding me sitting between his legs.

"Okay?" He asked, making everything worse by letting his hand wander from my shoulder over my cheek to stroking the hair out of my forehead, my throat was so tight, I didn’t even know how I managed to answer him.

"Yeah…" It came out in a whisper, but not because I was trying to not disturb anyone, I couldn’t have spoken any louder without my voice breaking away, so I tried to clear my throat silently, but it didn’t work that well.

Liam didn’t stop after that.

He stayed there, behind me, at first not really touching me, but after some time he would just randomly play with my hair, leave his hand on my shoulder, all that stuff. Was he even aware of what the hell he was doing?! Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing I wanted more than this, but he was probably just doing it because, as if it was routine, nothing special. In fact, even if it came off differently because of my goose bumps and my lack of breath, this happened all the time, like, every day, and not even only when no one basically saw us, no, he did it on stage as well. Now imagine nearly having a heart attack and trying to sing, yeah, good luck with that.

My problem was that, on one hand I was used to it, on the other I was afraid he’d stop, so I told myself this was the last time over again, which was the reason why I reacted so heavily every time he did something like this again.

I was just scared of it stopping okay, because as everyone had nicely pointed out today, I was growing up, we all were, and one day his girlfriend’s wouldn’t think it was cute how close we were, and they also wouldn’t understand anymore if he missed calls because he was hanging out with me.

Thinking all this made me really sad all of a sudden, I leaned my head against Liam’s knee next to me, closing my eyes because no one was watching me anyway, except for him maybe, but he didn’t comment on it, just moved his hand so he could run his fingers through my hair. At first I just got tingles over my body all over again, but then I got used to it again, actually getting so sleepy by his slow movements that I nearly slept in.

"Niall." Well, okay, now it had been obvious, I had nearly fallen down because I was so tired. "Come up here."

"There’s no space." I whispered back, no one heard us, or pretended not to, or simply ignored it, maybe the movie was interesting, I didn’t know. However I was right, when I turned a little, even if Harry moved completely on top of Louis I would have to squeeze into Liam really tight to fit… wait…

"Yes, there is. Come on, you’re sleepy." No one could’ve resisted this sweet smile, so I did what he said, letting him hold my hand as I stood up so I wouldn’t fall, because my whole body had started to hurt from sitting on the floor for this long, also I felt like passing out.

Liam just moved a little into Harry who threw a look at me before making some space as well, so now there was about half a seat, not much, but Liam didn’t care, he just pulled me next to him, with his arm around me. Even if this hadn’t been my plan, I had no choice really but to lean my head onto his shoulder, curling up beside him.

"Better now, right?" About two million times.

"Yes…" I should’ve used the chance to appreciate how we were sitting, but I could hardly keep my eyes open, it also didn’t help that Liam was so warm, I hadn’t even noticed that I had been cold until now, it really shouldn’t have surprised anyone that I slept in within five minutes.

 

No idea how much time actually had passed by, I had the tendency to stop caring about everything happening in the world when I was with Liam, everything I knew was that the others were talking again, but I didn’t feel like fully waking up or opening my eyes, so I held onto Liam’s hand that had somehow ended up in mine. Well, who cares about the how.

"When are we gonna leave?" That was obviously Liam’s voice, I would’ve known it from the other room as well, but since I was half on top of him I heard it pretty loud too, even if he kept it low.

"Thirty minutes or so." Noo, I didn’t want him to go or to get up, what would I do all alone.

"Okay, I better get Niall to bed… " Yes, please carry me, I’d just keep on playing asleep.

"Do you think he’s gonna be okay?" Now I could identify it as Harry’s voice, he seemed worried, but not as much as I was when Liam started to move under me, slowly pulling his hand out of mine.

"I hope so…" That didn’t sound convincing at all, but he continued shifting me softly, moving around until he could stand up, at least that’s what I thought, I also didn’t hear anyone else in the living room anymore, but I’d never know because I refused to open my eyes.

"Someone should take a photo of him sleeping, he basically looks like a puppy." Well, I had guessed wrong, we weren’t alone…

"Shhh, don’t wake him, Zayn." Liam was the only one whispering, he was also closest to me so it made sense.

His fingers brushed over my arm gently before he lifted me in his arms without any problem at all as it seemed, watching my head so it would hit his shoulder. Okay, I helped a bit with that as well, he’d never know though, I was too excited about this as to ruin it all by opening my eyes.

"It’s true though, what are you gonna do when he gets older and taller, you can’t forever baby him like this." What an interesting conversation.

"Yes, I can. Just watch me." Well that was making me feel good on one hand on the other, not so.

He made my thoughts disappear with a kiss on my forehead, Zayn chuckled somewhere in the distance, I didn’t care what he was doing, Liam was carrying me, seriously what else could I have wished for.

I admit it, I got a tiny bit scared he’d go to my room, but he just took extremely long cradling me to his chest and sprinkling some kisses across my face while heading for his own. If it had gone after me, he wouldn’t have had to get there at all, he could have just continued to cuddle me while I pretended not to notice.

But my wishes never became reality, before I really knew how he managed to lie me down in his bed, I was surrounded by the blanket instead of his arms. Well, that’s something he deserved credit for, picking me up and putting me down with me hardly noticing, especially the last part didn’t really follow the script I had planned out in my head.

At least he stayed there, I felt him sitting on the edge but his hand in my face stroking me was even more obvious, why couldn’t he just continue this the whole night or at least stay here? I felt a panic attack coming the second they’d close the front door. Okay, maybe the second Liam would make attempts to get up, he had asked me whether I needed him to stay, but I couldn’t make him do that, of course I knew he would, I probably wouldn’t even have to really try and sound scared, because I already was.

"Liam…" My voice was just a whisper, but it had been so silent besides our breathing, he heard me instantly.

"I’m here, Niall, go back to sleep." His fingers didn’t stop stroking my temple, which made it extra hard to force my eyes to open.

At least there was some light coming in from the hallway, so I could look up at Liam if I ignored the pain in my eyes, he was slightly smiling at me, but he didn’t really seem too happy about the situation either.

"I’m cold." I was whimpering, because I really didn’t feel good at all but also if, you know, if I sounded extra sad and alone and whatnot, maybe he’d just stay with me because he felt so sorry for me.

"One second." He left the bed without hesitating, going over to his suitcase, well, if he left me alone after all, I would at least have something to cuddle with. It seemed he didn’t find anything unworn, so he actually came back with the hoodie he had worn before, obviously not sure whether I wanted it or not. YES, JUST GIVE IT TO ME OR WEAR IT EVEN LONGER. "Sorry, I can’t find the clean one, is it-"

"That’s fine." Perfect, to be exact.

I wasn’t really planning on sitting up absolutely clumsily, it just kind of happened that I nearly fell off the bed, but Liam quickly came back to help me, even more worried now. Hm, maybe this hadn’t been so dumb after all. “I’ll help you, come here.”

Like expected, the hoodie smelled exactly like him, also he continued to hold me after actually putting his clothes on me without me really helping, I was just really tired okay, this had nothing to do with the fact that enjoyed him taking care of me. At least not entirely.

"Are you alright?" No, kiss me.

"Yeah…I’m just tired." What a lie. Well, I was tired, yes, but I would’ve preferred being tired with him lying next to me instead. "How late is it?"

This had been really dumb, before, when I had been playing with me phone, I had kinda gotten really depressed, so now when Liam reached out for it, since it was closer than his, he had a very nice view at himself. Because I had him as my background. Well, a picture of us, but I wasn’t really keen on seeing myself all the time so I had arranged it with half of my face cut off, because, who cares.

"Like ten…" Liam paused for a second, I knew why, so I didn’t interrupted the silence, just kept my eyes fixed on the floor, trying to control my breathing when I felt him wrap his arm around my waist again. "That’s cute."

"What?" I was so good at playing innocent, forcing myself to yawn quietly to make it all a little more believable.

Instead of answering, he turned the screen of my phone towards me. Wow, this really was a great picture of him, really completed my “Liam” folder.

I wish this had just been a joke.

"Oh. Yeah… I felt like changing it." Because my pervious picture of him was almost a month old now, not really up to date, even the fans had probably better backgrounds of him.

I got no answer, but he smiled at me softly, suddenly leaning so close again, I thought I could feel his breath on my face. “You should go back to sleep now, you look tired.”

"Hmm… " Why couldn’t I just ask him to stay? "Can you keep on talking?"

"Yeah, sure. But you have to close your eyes, okay?" Right now it wasn’t a good thing that he had seen me falling asleep so often, he knew exactly what to do so I’d get even sleepier than I had been before, which wasn’t really hard though, his voice was really calming, and the way he was leaning against me, keeping his weight on his elbow, as well. "Niall?"

"Mhm?" I had nearly fallen asleep actually, he had been talking for a while, continuing with his attempts to try and kill me with kissing and cuddling me to death.

"Are you really gonna be okay on your own?" Due to my tiredness, I didn’t think about his words, also not what would happen if I woke up later in the middle of the night all by myself, because right now he was here and I felt alright.

"Sure…" Then I turned to bury my head further into his pillow, sleeping in, dumb as I was.

Well, at least that’s what I thought I had done, because there was another storm that night, one that made me go from dreaming to sitting up straight in less than a second, only shocked at first, but when I looked around, it slowly came creeping into my mind that Liam was gone, and so was everyone else. Because I couldn’t open up my damn mouth.

Niall acting like a baby part two, yay… Holy crap, since when was it normal for things to fall down without you touching them?! I swear to god, someone was in the living room, probably with an axe.

That was the only time I actually did something that I considered brave, it was getting up and locking this fucking door before quickly snuggling back under Liam’s blanket, not turning on the lights, because what if the murderer saw it from the hall? He’d just have easy game to find me.

Okay, I just needed to calm down, find a solution for this.

I had three options, the first one was trying to go back to sleep, which was definitely not an option but suicide, the second was calling Liam and crying so bad he’d have no choice but coming back, tempting, and the third was distracting myself until he came back and then act as if I had been sleeping the whole time through.

As I decided on the last option, I kinda had hopes that it was already so late that he’d be back soon anyway, but my whole life flashed before my eyes as I saw that it was only 11:49 pm and at the same second heard another thunder. I wasn’t even afraid of thunder god damn it… at least I thought I hadn’t been.

There was no one to call, not even my friends back home, because that would’ve been even more embarrassing than telling Louis the whole story tomorrow. Provided I was still breathing then.

As I grabbed my phone again, I suddenly had a brilliant idea, right, I wasn’t alone, I could just go to twitter and whine about my life and everyone would feel sorry for me.

So that’s what I did, just a simple tweet that I couldn’t sleep and I had millions of answers, this would keep me distracted for a while, the whole night if I wanted to. I liked answering random people and following them, simply because I enjoyed going to their page afterwards and seeing them freak out. They were like expressing my feelings whenever Liam touched me.

The only thing I hadn’t considered though, this was public, not only for our fans, but also the lads. Oops, I should’ve maybe planned this out a little.

At first I thought I hadn’t seen right, but no, Louis had actually just tweeted me, for everyone to see ‘Everyone go tell Niall to go back to sleep or ill come back and make him’. No, not Louis, couldn’t he send Liam or something…

On the other hand, who cares, this was a free country, I was allowed to stay up as long as I felt like, so I acted like I hadn’t noticed Louis or anyone telling me what he wanted them to.

Well, until my phone vibrated in my hands and I nearly dropped it out of surprise. Oh shit.

"Yes…?" Even though my instincts told me to whisper, I didn’t.

"Niall." Liam breathed out, as if he really didn’t know what to say and had to calm down first before continuing to talk to me. Wanna know the funny part? I knew that he wouldn’t be happy at all now, before I had even picked up, but my heart had made a jump when his name had showed up and his voice caused me to nearly forget about the reason why I couldn’t sleep. "Why are you awake?"

"Why are you stalking me on twitter?" I was asking the real questions here.

"Louis does. But it doesn’t matter because I read your tweets." If you wanted to be really exact here, I might have mentioned that I was scared.

"But I’m fine I-"

"You don’t have to lie." Then he sighed heavily, I swallowed my protest down, looking down and pulling the sleeve of his hoodie over my free hand. Why was I so selfish, this was for his birthday and now he had to be worried about me.

"I’m not…" I mumbled, when in reality all I wanted to do was tell him to come back. Or beg.

"Yes, you are. Ni, listen, I wouldn’t have offered to stay with you if it would have bothered me. And if it’s because of the others, I can tell them to shut up and not make fun of you or make up a story. I just want you to be okay." This hit me really hard, also because he didn’t sound mad or annoyed, but caring. Now I missed him so much all of a sudden it started to hurt. "So, do you want me to come home?"

Only now I noticed that there wasn’t anyone talking in the background, something you’d expect if he was out, but it was only a small thought before I faced the bigger problem, which was what slipped out of my mouth. “Yes…please…”

"Okay." He seemed more relieved than I was, I was mostly worried that he thought of me as a bother now, his annoying little brother that wouldn’t let him have fun, something along these lines, so his laugh surprised me. "It would’ve been awkward if you would’ve said no, because I already got a taxi."

"You… you don’t have to, I’ll be fine on my own as well…" NO I WOULDN’T.

"I want to. It was really lame anyway." There was one of the reasons I loved him so much, he somehow managed to turn every situation around if I felt uncomfortable, and somehow he could always tell when that was. "None of the guys need me there anyway, and I’m really tired, I should’ve just not gone with them. So don’t feel sorry or anything, actually all I’ve done so far was thinking I’d rather be with you." No idea whether he was making this up but HAD HE REALLY SAID THAT?

My heart felt like it could burst when suddenly something caught my eye, something that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

"Liam…" Now I was finally whispering, too late as it seemed.

"What?" Obviously I had just interrupted him, but I couldn’t even remember a word he had said.

"Did you leave on the light in the hall before leaving?" It was hard to get out a full sentence while trying to stay quiet plus not bursting into tears.

"No, why?" Because there was light, THAT’S WHY.

"Are you gonna be here soon?" I barely dared to take a breath, now remembering all the strange noises I had heard before that I had mistaken for thunder or something. There was actually someone in here, I wasn’t crazy. I’d die, oh my god.

"In a few minutes, why? What’s wrong, Ni?" EVERYTHING?!

"Liam… someone turned on the light in the hall and I thought I’m overreacting but… but there’s strange noises all the time and…" I ran out of breath at this point, eyes fixed on the gap between the door and the floor. This couldn’t be real, I was always thinking someone was after me but now there actually WAS, this was simply too much.

"Niall, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong, you need to keep calm, just stay where you are. Did you lock the door?" CALM?! How was I supposed to stay CALM?

"Y-Yes I d-did…" Great, I was tearing up.

"Ten minutes, okay? " That was too fucking long! How could he still try to be comforting I was actually freaking the fuck out, the only reason why I didn’t yell around was because then I’d die even sooner!

"I just heard someone walking around, Li." It was true, though I wasn’t entirely sure, it could’ve been that I had misinterpreted the noise, but fact was that the light was on without a reason, that was enough to get me short of breath.

"Stay where you are, Niall, I’m almost there." Now that his voice wasn’t so calm anymore either, I got even more nervous, usually I just believed whatever he told me, if he said it would be alright, then at least I had something to hold on to, but now that he seemed worried I panicked.

"What if die, Li?! I d-don’t know what to do, I’m s-so scared." A sob escaped me after the first tear fell, which made everything worse. If there had been any doubt whether I was able to stay alone for one night, well… it was gone now.

"You don’t do anything at all, stay in bed, I’m nearly at the front door. I need to hang up-"

"No! No, you can’t, please don’t. Liam. Don’t." This was not only about my own safety, I considered myself better hidden in a locked room than Liam standing around in the hall.

"If there’s really someone inside, I need to be able to call help, it’s just for a few minutes, I just go in and come and get you, alright? Niall?" That sounded like a plan. A really bad one.

"What if he has a gun?!" WHAT IF HE SHOT LIAM?!

"I’ll be careful, if I’m not there in ten minutes, call the lads." The hell would I do, I’d call the police and the ambulance just in case, the thought of someone hurting Liam was worse than getting hurt myself. "Okay? See you in a sec, babe."

"Okay…" He just hung up on me, plunging me into silence, the storm had turned to drizzle now which was even worse, it made everything even creepier than before.

I just sat there, staring at the door, trying not to blink too many times, but my tears wouldn’t stop falling so I kinda couldn’t help it. This was even worse than yesterday, something was wrong with me, or this house to be exact, but why ME?! Out of every person on this planet I was the worst at dealing with situations like this.

There was no sound for a while, at some point I remembered that I had forgotten to check the clock, but I also didn’t care anymore when I heard fucking VOICES. There were MORE people in here than just me and Liam and that stranger.

This was my absolute low point, I was shivering so bad, you’d think I was half naked in a snowstorm rather than in a bed with a hoodie on, I didn’t even know anymore what the worst scenario was that could have happened, I also didn’t have time to imagine it, luckily (or not), because suddenly whoever was here seemed to be right in front of my door. KNOCKING.

"Niall? Niall, I’m sorry I scared you." Wait a second… that wasn’t Liam. That was Zayn.

I was up on my feet without thinking this through, it could’ve been a trick or something, I definitely would never survive a horror movie, all I’d do was call Liam and cry and then mess it all up by locking up my door.

Luckily the only ones standing behind were Zayn, who looked a bit confused but a little amused as well and Liam, at least someone who shared my relief. Before I started to feel embarrassed, I pushed passed Zayn who had opened his mouth to say something, falling right in Liam’s arms instead. The shock hadn’t left, I couldn’t get myself to stop shaking, not even as I buried my face in Liam’s shirt, holding onto him so tightly, nothing in the world would get me to let go of him now.

"Sorry, Nialler, really. I came back before because I forgot my phone and then I couldn’t find it. If I had known that you were still awake, I would’ve told you." It’s not like I honestly cared about his story, I was trying to keep my sobs in.

"I thought you went to the toilet…" Liam threw in, he was more busy with hugging me and rubbing my back than answering Zayn.

"I did. And I couldn’t find you guys anymore afterwards and I had no phone so I figured I could as well come back. What are YOU even doing here?" Protecting me from you, Zayn.

"I got bored. And I’m tired." While saying this, he leaned down to kiss my head, leaving his lips there for a second or two, making the lie really obvious, but I appreciated the afford.

"Alright. I’ll let you guys sleep now, okay? Sorry again, Niall. Really." Someone messed my hair up even more, I didn’t answer, my throat was too tight anyway, besides my face was glowing, not a good combination to talk to someone after thinking they wanted to kill you with an axe.

"You wanna go back to bed?" There were a lot of things I wanted, but most of all it was not loosening my arms which would interfere with his suggestion, so I shook my head, still not looking up. "It’s fine now, nothing can happen anymore. Look, they wouldn’t let us stay here anyway if it wasn’t safe, besides now I’m here and I promise you I won’t leave you alone anymore for the time we’re here."

"I just…I don’t know…" My voice was muffled by his shirt, it wasn’t easy to speak between all the tears and the knot in my throat, but it made Liam sigh lightly.

"I’m sorry, Ni babe, I shouldn’t have left. I didn’t want to really, but the others convinced me somehow and I thought you’d be asleep and wouldn’t notice anyway. Louis showed me your tweets then, I might have been… worried about you slightly before, so I just got a taxi, before even calling you. I’m sorry." This wasn’t right at all, but it felt so good to hear him say those words, I didn’t interrupt, just sniffed slightly as he made attempts to move us, but I obeyed, still clinging to him desperately as he guided me back to his bed after closing the door behind us.

"It’s not your fault…" Was all that came to my mind, I didn’t know how to tell him that I loved how much he cared about me but that I didn’t like the reason why he cared about me. This was literally so dumb, especially because I refused to let him go to change his clothes.

"It isn’t yours either." Then he rubbed my shoulder softly, pressing a few more kisses into my hair and eventually poking my side a little to make me giggle against my will. "I’ll just take my jeans off really quick, it’ll only take me one second."

So I let him go, even if it hurt, and crawled back into the messed up bed instead, not wanting to watch him at first, but I accidentally did anyway. Liam just threw his jeans and socks somewhere, then he sat down next to me, I grabbed hold of his arm immediately, trying to get him to lie down with me.

"No stress, Nialler, I’m here, I won’t go away." Nights like these, I really needed the reassurance, and he could tell, so he continued to talk to me like this after pulling me into his arms, keeping them tightly around me as I put my head down onto his chest, fingers twisted into his shirt. That was the only good aspect of him having it still on. "Can we agree on one thing, please?"

"What…?" It made me feel nervous, something I very rarely got around Liam, especially now that I was practically on top of him.

"Next time you need me, can you just tell me?" Somehow it sounded as if he was a little disappointed now that I had tried to act like it had been okay, so I leaned on my elbow, trying to look into his face despite the darkness. I couldn’t really tell what he was thinking, but before I knew what was happening, he had brought one hand to the back of my head, pulling me down until he was able to kiss my forehead. "Please?"

"I just didn’t… I didn’t want to keep you from doing stuff, you know I… I should be able to survive on my own, it’s just…" Just that I was having problems since around this time last year I’ve realized I’m forever stuck as the band baby. Right now I was not helping anyone to forget that.

"You’re not keeping me from anything. I don’t care if anyone gets mad or laughs, and you shouldn’t care either, because I don’t mind staying with you, not at all." Then he made a pause as I snuggled back down against him, not moving his hand from my head though and just sorting some mess of hair out before continuing, with a bit of a change in his voice that he was obviously trying to hide. "I always say you’re my little brother, but you’re also my best friend. So if you think that it’s embarrassing because you’re older now, I’m doing this because I love you, not because I think it’s my job or because you can’t take care of yourself. All I want is for you to be okay. So promise me?"

"I promise…you’re my best friend as well." It had taken me some time to whisper the words, because… well, do I have to explain myself after this speech, seriously?! I loved him so much in this moment, it actually made my tears spill over, but Liam didn’t notice, he was still busy giving me chills all over my body with what his hands were doing, chuckling slightly so I could feel his chest move under me.

"Thank you. Are you tired enough to sleep?" He had never told me to go shut up because HE was tired, not ever.

"I think so…" Due to the fact that I was still silently crying, I tried my best to not let it show in my voice, I wasn’t sad in this moment, I was just so happy that I had him, my emotions spilled over.

"Okay. You’ll see, from now on the nights are gonna get a lot better." Of course they would if he stayed with me, his pure presence made every moment of my life about a million times better. I wished I could tell him that, to say something nice in return, it’s just, I could’ve told him so much, I had no idea where to start, so I ended up not saying anything at all, just letting him pet my back softly. "Goodnight, baby. Sleep tight."

"Goodnight…" Then I just took a breath. "Hey, Liam?"

"Hm?" Again, it wasn’t helpful at all when he caressed my face, but I kept myself together for this one time.

"I love you too." I don’t know why it came so hard over my lips, I had told him before, just not as often as the other way around, maybe it was because I thought he could just hear it in my voice, that I didn’t mean it the way he did and that he’d be so disturbed that he’d never talk to me again.

"I know, Ni." As a reward, he intertwined his fingers with mine, kissing the back of my hand before just simply keeping on holding it the whole night through.

 

If you might have wondered, the next day I woke up exactly the way we had fallen asleep, Liam hadn’t woken up yet, so I spent a bit of time looking at him, appreciating the fact that for once I could just mindlessly stare without being considered creepy or having to blush. But I have to admit, as I felt him stirring under me, I pretended to be asleep again, purely so he’d try and wake me softly.

Our stay in this house got a lot better after Louis and Harry finally got over the fact that I had thought Zayn was a murderer, they would make up jokes throughout the day and randomly start laughing. But hey, at least Liam thought it hurt me so deeply that he needed to give me a cuddle every time. So, that was a lot.

On one hand, I was really excited for my birthday (no, that had nothing to do with Liam’s surprise, of course not), on the other, that would be the end of our tour, which basically meant I’d go back home and not see anyone (Liam) for a while until I had to be back for interviews and such and, scary enough, move into my own apartment. Yeah, the things I was forced to do now that I was nearly sixteen.

That’s why every time Liam let me sleep in his bed, which was every night like he had promised, and when he hugged me on stage during our last few concerts, or when we were just fooling around, it always seemed as if it was the last time, I just fucking hated saying goodbye to him, maybe even more than to anyone else. Actually, not maybe.

So on the morning of my sixteenth birthday, I was a bit grumpy at first, I hadn’t been able to sleep well, so I was still tired as Liam softly shook my shoulder, not thinking about what day it was at first. “Nialler, time to wake up.”

"Hm, no." I turned to the other side, knowing that it would help, because Liam was leaning over me, actually he was on top of me, trying not to crush me by keeping his weight on his elbow.

"Come on, sleepyhead." Really, I loved him, but I didn’t want to get up, he could just keep on lying in this position though. "Niall."

"What?" His voice was so close, I almost opened my eyes just to check, almost, instead I turned a little, cuddling closer into him.

There was a bit silence then, I started to wonder whether I had been dreaming this conversation when I suddenly felt his lips on my cheekbone, his stubble scratching over my skin slightly, not that I minded, embarrassing enough, I kinda liked it because I was used to it. But not to him whispering while still nearly giving me a kiss, that made me almost choke. “Happy birthday, Ni.”

Oh right, that was today.

Finally, I let my eyes flatter open, blinking a few times because of the light before searching for Liam’s eyes. I could still feel his breath ghosting over my cheek, and his lips against my skin making it feel all warm. Seeing as today was my birthday, he should have really just kissed my mouth instead, that would’ve been a surprise worth dying for.

"Thank you…" I tried to turn under him, wiggling a bit until he let me move onto my back while he remained on top of me, smiling down brightly. WHAT WAS HE WAITING FOR I NEEDED THIS SURPRISE NOW.

"What’s wrong?" Of course he knew the reason why I stared at him like this, but he just smirked, ruffling my hair before getting off of me. "Let’s go eat breakfast."

"Haven’t I waited for long enough?" I didn’t move, or made any attempts to, I really wanted to know okay, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep last night because of that.

"That’s why I’m saying we should go, I’m hungry too." He could have at least stopped laughing to make it more believable that he had forgotten.

"You could at least try." How long was he gonna keep this up? Like last year probably, when I had thought he had forgotten my birthday and had actually been really mad, but no, he had texted me at 11:59 pm, to go and open up my front door. At home, in Ireland at my dad’s house, of course, it’s not recommendable for fourteen year old’s to live alone. Yeah, he had seriously taken a flight to come and wish me a happy birthday in person, but I really didn’t wanna wait a whole day again, I had been so excited.

"I’ll tell you in about…" He rolled around to grab his phone, studying the screen a bit before looking at me again, winking. "…five hours."

"FIVE HOURS?!" Actually, I hadn’t been that loud, I just turned onto my stomach again to bury my face in his pillow, groaning while Liam started laughing, way too amused at this time of day. In five hours I’d nearly be in a plane back home, how’d he plan on telling me exactly?

"Don’t be so grumpy, it’s your birthday. I bet the others won’t have you wait so long." Yeah, but I wasn’t in love with the others…oops.

"Fine." When I sat up, Liam was already standing, holding his hand out to me, I took it, hoping he wouldn’t let go so quickly again, but that would’ve been weird anyway, right…

My mood didn’t exactly get any better when I nearly tripped and Liam was trying hard not to giggle but giving me a squeeze instead that I pulled out of, just because, he knew I wasn’t really mad, but I couldn’t stand waiting for my life, that was common knowledge but he made me anyway. Not fair, and I didn’t even get a kiss for that.

Everyone else was already up as well, Liam had obviously let me sleep longer than we normally did, so now I was tackled out of nowhere, falling on the couch before I was able to check who it was. Which wasn’t necessary anymore, because by the way I felt like being suffocated, more than one of my bandmates was piling on top of me.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Yeah and I was deaf now, too as they both screamed right into my face.

"I can’t breathe, Harry." It was obvious that it was him and Louis now, Zayn wouldn’t wanna get involved in something like this and I heard Liam laughing from further away. Too bad, he could’ve thrown me on the couch whenever…

"Cheer up, I know it’s hard to be away from me for so long but it’s gonna be okay, babe." Unlike Liam, he used nicknames only to tease me, I hardly had time to see how big he was grinning over his joke before he was planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek, not getting up though.

"You know I was actually planning on having breakfast and-"

"Don’t say another word. Just stay here." Where would I have gone? Most importantly, HOW? Some weight was lifted off of me when Louis stood up now, destroying my hair, but Harry was still too heavy for me.

"Come on, let him breathe." At least Zayn tried to help me, he was slightly pulling Harry’s arm until he obeyed, not looking any less amused after standing up.

I just remained seated, one, I didn’t want to move and two, I didn’t dare doing anything else than Louis had told me out of fear they’d jump on top of me again.

"Happy birthday, Niall." Zayn just sticked to hugging me, but I actually preferred this way of wishing me a happy birthday to nearly killing me. And no, I didn’t mean Liam’s version. Who, by the way, hadn’t come to rescue me and now I was really questioning whether I still wanted to know his surprise.

Just kidding, after Zayn had let go of me and Harry had settled down on the other couch, I made eye contact with Liam, trying to look somewhat like I had the other day when they had been talking about me looking like a puppy. It didn’t work, but at least he came sitting next to me, with his arm around my shoulder, knowing exactly what I wanted. “It’s only four hours and fifty minutes now.”

"Shut up." Was he actually counting though?

The other two looked like they wanted to ask what we were talking about, so maybe Liam really hadn’t told them which made it even better, really, at this point he could have given me dirt and I would’ve probably even kept it just because.

"Liam, get off the couch, it’s Niall’s for the day." Louis came back just when I had settled under Liam’s arm, what great timing, at least he brought me something that looked a lot like food.

"We’re only here for two more hours though…" I mumbled, only for Liam to hear, he chuckled before kissing the side of my head but actually followed Louis’s command. Now they were all standing except for me, which was really weird until Louis handed me the plate he was holding.

"I’m sorry we don’t have a cake for you, I hope this will do, wait a second…" They had used food coloring to make my pancakes look the irish flag, even with one candle that Louis lit up now. This was actually really sweet, I managed a genuine smile even if we all knew where my thoughts were at, Liam probably knew it too, because he winked at me as I looked at him, like I automatically seemed to do.

"You should wish for something." He told me, probably thinking he had guessed what I really wanted, but no, when I blew the candle out, his surprise seemed to be pretty far off my mind. Liam himself on the other hand wasn’t.

They piled me in presents, even though Zayn had really put effort into his, because I would always make sure to tell everyone I knew how great of an artist he was, which was true, so he gave me some of his drawings and graffiti sprayings. The ones I had looked at and made sure to tell him twelve million times that if I had a own flat, I’d put them on my walls in hope he would give them to me. Now he had.

Louis and Harry were a different chapter, they had probably bought a whole store that sold our own merchandise. Yeah, well now I could come to our next concert dressed in clothes with our faces on. Even boxer shorts. Let that sink in, I had boxer shorts with Liam’s face on, that took my obsession to a whole new level.

Besides that though, they had also bought me some snapbacks, and my own sweatpants in a different color because “Sometimes I’m worried you don’t change and I’m really sick of this grey”. Well and because the teasing wasn’t enough yet, coloring books for little children, for my flight home obviously.

And if that had sounded as if I was mad, I wasn’t, for the record, because I wasn’t really short of money, so fun gifts were great, but Zayn’s as well since I wouldn’t be able to buy them, well, and then…

"Liam, if you tell me now you forgot Niall’s birthday I will strangle you right here." They actually threw worried glances at me, as if I would burst out in tears any second and they were disturbed by me smiling, did they remember how grumpy I had been last year or…?

"I’ll text you what it is." While saying this he was actually looking at me, with that annoying grin again, I was gonna explode. "Only four hours and ten minutes, Niall."

"Only five minutes until I come over and steal your phone to look at your messages." They all just laughed at me, I was still alone on the couch, only surrounded by things with their faces on now, that made me a lot less pathetic, really.

They probably had a whatsapp group without me in it, because instantly after Liam had put his phone back into his pocket, out of my reach, the other three took theirs out to check, immediately starting to grin. WHAT WAS IT SOMEONE TELL ME.

"That’s really cute, now my presents seem like crap." They did before, Harry.

"Aww, Liam, come on, you make us look like bad friends." Okay, enough, one more word, I swear.

"Niall, don’t kill Liam just yet for not telling you, you’ll love him again in…how many hours?" I loved him right at this second as well, but this was not about my feelings, this was about my lack of ability to deal with the fact of not knowing something when everyone else did.

"Four." Liam answered, so I got up, pissed off about them laughing again.

"I’ll go pack." It was really childish, and quite embarrassing because I’d have to pack all of their gifts into my suitcase now as well and I wasn’t sure how I’d make it fit or if I could even carry it all.

"Let me help you." I didn’t complain when Liam came to help me pick my stuff up, but only because I didn’t want to fall down and give them another reason to tease me. "You can put some stuff in my suitcase if you want to."

"If you wanna open everything up at the airport again, then okay." How stupid, I’d have to squeeze everything in at one point today anyway, better here than later.

Surprisingly though, everyone except Liam, who sticked to simply smiling, nearly pissed themselves laughing at my comment, so I stumped off, not to Liam’s room, but upstairs to my own. You know what, I may have been scared going back the whole week and Liam had actually gotten me some of my clothes since I refused to step inside or borrowed me his, but now I didn’t care anymore. Then I’d die, so what.

The problem was, I accidentally dropped my whole suitcase, spilling everything on the floor, some things under the bed as well. Great. Now I was here in this creepy room having to spend even more time in here than I had in the first night and to top that, I’d have to crawl around and under the bed. There was no way I’d survive this day.

"Niall, are you really mad at me now?" Oh, Liam had actually followed me with the remaining items from downstairs.

"No…" I couldn’t even pretend to be when he was looking at me like this, because damn, I was so ungrateful, I actually didn’t even deserve whatever he had planned. "No, I’m not. I’m sorry…I just can’t deal with not knowing."

"But it’ll be worth it, you’ll see." His mood got better as soon as I smiled shyly at him, still sitting on the floor and trying to reorganize my suitcase as he came over to me. "Let me do it, it’s your birthday."

"No, it’s fine." It kinda was tempting, not having to be part of the whole packing process, however the fact alone that Liam offered me to do it was making me feel a whole lot better already, if he just stayed her and talked with me, then that would’ve been enough.

He didn’t just talk, he actually stayed to help me, not even letting me carrying it downstairs in the end, so in return I helped him with his stuff as well, even if he tried to talk me out of it and told me to go do something more fun. So then I told him that being with him WAS fun no matter what we were doing, I wasn’t even trying to achieve something with that, it was true after all, but it seemed to be a huge deal for Liam because he came to hug me until we both stumbled and I landed on top of him in his bed. Now this was a lot better.

I had to go through a lot more birthday wishes on the phone while we went to get something to eat (I even got to choose, but only because no one really cared anyway), and when we met some fans, which turned out to be really embarrassing when they asked whether I had been able to fall asleep the other day. About that…funny story…

When we got to the airport, I wanted to just grab Liam and force him to finally tell me, I wouldn’t see him for two weeks or so, he couldn’t do this to me, it was bad enough to not have him around for that long, but I didn’t want to spend our last hour together with trying to solve this mystery.

"Wait, Ni." We were about to go get our tickets, everything was a bit more complicated if you were trying not to be recognized so that’s why I was surprised when Liam kept me from walking. "Give me your passport."

"What? Why?" I think I was old enough to go get my own tickets, honestly, was he even allowed to get them when we were going to different destinations?

"I’ll explain it in a bit, okay?" He shut me up with a quick kiss on my forehead, I didn’t even want to know by how many hidden cameras this had just been captured.

The others were laughing again as they walked by, I was starting to think there wasn’t even a surprise but just a really big inside joke going on between them. But no, Liam wasn’t mean, especially not to me, right?

That’s why I trusted him, staying with our security meanwhile I was waiting for the others to come back, this was just really strange, and maybe if I hadn’t been busy worrying what was up, I would’ve long guessed it.

"Here." I expected Liam to give me both my passport and my ticket, he only gave me the first though, pulling me with him.

"Wait, how am I supposed to get on? I need a ticket, you know, what is this about?" Really, what was going on?

"You have 56 minutes to figure that out." Wow, now he started with the counting again, that’s when I just gave up, trying to enjoy his arm around my waist, keeping me close to his side so I wouldn’t get lost. Like last time, that had been pretty scary, I admit it.

"Seriously, Niall, I thought now that you’re older you’d be a little smarter as well". How nice of Louis, I decided not to get mad, simply because Liam was already trying to prevent a fight, I was just helping him.

"It’s okay, Ni, I actually would prefer if you wouldn’t try to figure it out." That was out of question anyway, because right now I didn’t think about anything besides that I didn’t know how to survive not seeing Liam’s face for so long, I mean, I could maybe get him to Skype with me, but not every day, he had a life away from me, and so did I. I just didn’t want to live it right now.

After security check, we weren’t really running that much danger to get recognized anymore, and even if, it wouldn’t cause much trouble, so you’d think I felt a bit less nervous and stuff, but I didn’t, this was getting too real for me, so I kept on clinging to Liam while we were waiting, anxiously watching the departure boards.

"Don’t you think you should tell me now? I’ll have to go to the gate in twenty minutes." Ugh, such little time, I sat closer to Liam, ‘accidentally’ making our legs touch as I turned to look at him, being met by a soft smile, again.

"Not yet." When was it appropriate to start crying? Fifteen minutes before? Ten?

"Please, tell me, Li." I moved even closer, until I decided it was okay to put my hands on his thigh, he didn’t seem to mind anyway, his arm had been around my shoulder the whole time as well.

"Be patient." HOW.

"But Liam, I’ll have to leave soon and then we won’t see each other for so long, what if like, the plane leaves early or something, you won’t have time to tell me." That wasn’t even my biggest concern, it was being separated from him earlier.

"It won’t, trust me, babe." His face changed a little, from happy to slightly worried, might have been caused by my sad voice that would’ve actually fitted better to a funeral speech or something. "You okay?"

"I guess, why?" Far from it, actually. I was lucky no one else was watching, the others were busy with themselves, and other people didn’t seem to know or see us, so I sat down properly again, putting my head on Liam’s shoulder.

"I don’t know, you sound a bit sad." What if I just didn’t get up? I could’ve just pretended to have fallen asleep under Liam’s soft strokes over my check. But then I’d be stuck here instead and I wouldn’t see him either.

"I just… I’m going to miss you." Maybe I didn’t mean him specifically, maybe I meant all of them, and maybe I also didn’t mean that I’d miss him every day but just a tiny bit. Or not.

"Aw, Nialler, I’ll miss you too." He stopped caressing my face, wrapping both his arms around me instead, resting his cheek against my head, it was too comfortable to get up in a few minutes, I felt like crying, really, after being with him for so many weeks every single day, I didn’t even know how to be without him now. I mean, the others had been there as well and everyone, but I was mostly with Liam as we all know. What a surprise. Speaking of that…

"If you don’t tell me now or give me my ticket …" I didn’t finish, because I didn’t know what would happen then, probably I’d cry, but I would cry either way.

Liam dared to chuckled, I decided I could wait a few more minutes, but at some point, I’d have to go. So I tried to lean back, stand up, but Liam wouldn’t let me, he just kept on hugging me close to him.

"Liam… I gotta go, I can’t miss the plane." Even though I desperately wanted to.

"That’s not your plane, baby." Wait what?

"Liam?" Finally, he let me sit up straight, letting his arm slip down to my waist as he smiled again, maybe he found it funny that I had absolutely no idea what was going on. The others maybe did, but I didn’t pay any attention to them, I was busy trying to not get my hopes up for nothing after his words.

"Yes?" How could he sound so innocent when clearly he was not?!

"What is this about? I’ll explode if you don’t tell me." The plane I thought I’d get on was forgotten to be honest, I was only focused on Liam now, clinging to the last piece of a chance I had not having to leave him right now, I was happy for every second, really.

"Well, you’re not going to Ireland today. I won’t tell you anymore so don’t even bother asking." Why was he taking so much pleasure in making me suffer?

"And you?" My heart was pounding almost uncomfortable now as I looked into his eyes, trying to search for signs of any kind, but all I realized was that his eyes were really hard to look away from.

"i’m not going there either, obviously. What would I do there without you?" Of course not, even though it would have been a very good surprise as well for him to come home with me. Forever or so.

"Are you going home?" Instead of an answer, I got a smile that somehow said ‘no’, however I didn’t want to think of him and me going somewhere together. I’d be crushed if it turned out to be wrong, but I also couldn’t deny that there wasn’t really any other explanation for his behavior, so I checked his face once more, yep, still smiling, before putting my head down on his shoulder again, deciding to do something against my priorities, not asking and waiting.

Liam seemed to be pleased with that, he squeezed me with one arm, his free hand somehow remaining on my thigh, I did my best to not think about that, trying to focus on the others instead, who were getting ready to go on their plane, which I had thought was Liam’s as well, but he didn’t make any attempts to move. Well, okay.

"Has he still not figured it out? I’m just asking because I didn’t hear any screaming." Would I be screaming? Hopefully.

"You could just wait until-"

"Shhh, you’ll give him hints." Oh, really, I didn’t deserve any hints, of course not, thanks so much Liam.

"Sorry. It’s a pity we can’t be there to see his face though. Have fun then, I guess." The whole time while they were talking, I hadn’t bothered lifting my head, what was the point anyway, I couldn’t have taken part in their conversation anyway. Besides I was more thinking of Liam’s hand and how he couldn’t move it any further up before I’d have to jump up and leave.

"We will". Liam was already having too much fun, any more wouldn’t do him any good.

They gave us half hugs, since I refused to sit up properly as everyone was laughing at me, at least I was out of danger of having embarrassing problems when Liam’s hand left me, what was the purpose of putting it on my thigh anyway, I mean, I wouldn’t expect my real older brother to do that.

As soon as we were alone, I didn’t speak up immediately, maybe if I changed my tactics and acted like I didn’t wanna know he’d be so mad that he told me anyway. “You know-“

Before I was able to finish though, Liam suddenly let go of me, putting his hands over my ears so I wouldn’t hear the announcements of the departures, it also wouldn’t help me to check the boards because there were so many planes leaving, so I rolled my eyes at him, annoyed, he still wouldn’t stop grinning.

"I don’t even wanna know anymore." Yes I did, oh my god, I couldn’t stop thinking about that he was still here and I was still here as well obviously, that could only mean we’d go together, knowing that made it really hard not to smile. I wouldn’t have to leave him just yet.

"Really? Well that’s a pity because I thought I could tell you now, but if-"

"TELL ME!" I had actually grabbed his hand without thinking, I couldn’t really wait any longer, I’m serious.

"Okay." Liam seemed to be nearly as excited as I was, at this point I didn’t care anymore where we were going I just wanted confirmation that it was with him. "So, you know how we’ve been talking about places we haven’t been to yet? I mean, at least not for long enough to really see them or… do stuff there?"

"Yes, I do, please just tell me." Thinking back to that conversation, I had mentioned about ten million places I’d like to visit again so that didn’t really help me figure it out, Liam made a pause before continuing, he gave my hand a squeeze even though I was nearly squishing his.

"Okay, so… don’t think it’s because I’m trying to make fun of your age, but you know like… we didn’t have much time in Paris yet and besides you told me you haven’t been to Disneyland which is not okay." PARIS? DISNEYLAND?! "So… do you want to go?" DID I WANT TO WELL I DONT KNOW WAS THERE ANY LIVING PERSON WHO WOULDN’T GO TO PARIS WITH LIAM PAYNE?! "Niall?"

"Y-Yes." I nearly choked on my words, he seemed a bit worried, because I hadn’t done anything besides staring at him with wide eyes and probably an open mouth, trying to get it into my head. "Yes, I do, sorry I didn’t answer, I really want to, really. Thank you so much, I love you, I don’t know what to say, I didn’t expect this at all, but this is really one of the best presents someone has given me, like, no, I mean it IS the best and-"

"Okay, Ni, calm down." Liam relaxed again now that it was obvious I was losing my mind. BUT DISNEYLAND. "For a second I thought you were disappointed."

"NO! Of course not, Li, what the hell, who would be disappointed by that?!" It just hadn’t fully sunken in yet, because… Liam and me going to Paris. Like. Wow. I couldn’t believe this. He had come to visit me in Ireland for a few times, I had been with him in London, but we had actually never been somewhere else alone for more than one day, so this was like, I don’t know. "Are we really going?"

"Yes, of course." The fact that his whole face lit up when I asked, out of breath a little, was the breaking point for me where I just couldn’t hold my smile back anymore, but somehow I was tearing up now as well. He shouldn’t see me crying after he had told me something like this, it weren’t tears of sadness, but I pulled my hand out of his anyway to throw both my arms around his neck, hugging him as tight as I could. There was another reason why I loved getting presents from him, because I needed to say thank you in the most affectionate way possible.

"Thank you." I was forced to whisper, since I was scared he’d notice I was crying, it couldn’t get any more embarrassing than this, if someone was taking pictures now then I didn’t want to know what anyone was thinking we were doing here.

"Did I make you cry?" Oh shit. He was trying to pull back, maybe to check my face, but I just held on him tighter until he gave up.

"No." My voice broke away at the end, I buried my face in between his neck and my arm as he chuckled softly, trying to calm myself down by breathing in slowly, but it didn’t really help, it just made me want to stay this way for a few more hours.

"I knew it had been worth making you wait." So he enjoyed making me cry like the baby I was? "Aww, you’re so cute, I’m so happy you’re excited." See, and I was happier even more now because he was happy as well, everyone was winning today. Me a little bit more, he kissed the side of my head a few times, obviously not caring about anyone seeing us hugging anymore, at least now I understood why he had been worried about the Niam thing starting again, it wouldn’t help drowning rumors by going alone to Paris, would it. At least that’s what everyone else would tell you, I personally wouldn’t mind going straight to the front page with a story like this. Provided Liam wouldn’t get mad, of course.

"I’m happy too." My answers were short because I felt like choking, Liam understood though, he continued to hold me until we had to get going (sitting in a plane next to each other for more than eight hours, this WAS the best birthday I had ever had, no question), drying my cheeks for me all while keeping this smile up that made me wanna do a backflip. Wait, no, because I’d break my neck and then I couldn’t go to Disneyland anymore with Liam, bad idea.

Could you believe this though? Because I couldn’t.

 

It had taken Liam about four hours to get me to calm down, because after he had convinced me that this was REAL, instead of not being able to wait until I was able to hear what the surprise was, I was now too impatient waiting for it to happen. Which was stupid, because we’d only stay for like, three days, so I should’ve wished for time to pass by slower instead of keeping him from sleeping on the plane, but damn it, I couldn’t stay awake alone with that excitement, I needed someone to listen to me babbling on and on. Well, maybe I could’ve asked those girls a few rows behind us who nearly fell into Liam’s lap as they saw us, I mean, I understood, that’s how I behaved after not seeing Liam for a while as well.

It didn’t get any easier when we landed, Liam had fallen asleep on my shoulder for the last hour, I resisted waking him, simply because I enjoyed his weight too much, but also because I didn’t want to annoy him too much yet, after all I didn’t want to come back with him never wanting to go anywhere with me ever again.

"Niall, shsh, it’s almost two in the morning." That was the first thing he told me as we were waiting for our suitcases, but he smiled a little at me, tired, and as he saw how sad my face had gotten despite my tries, he pulled me closer to his side again, completely ignoring the girls from earlier. Yes, come on, take pictures, post them.

"Sorry." I decided to lean against him, of course without any second thoughts.

"It’s okay, I know you’re excited, so you’re excused." Liam laughed quietly and my stomach made flips, would I also be excused if I threw up on him in public?

For his sake, I tried to not talk too much after that, and if I did, not as if I would lose my mind any second. We had one room in our hotel, with separate beds (we weren’t a couple after all, you know, even if I sometimes acted like it), I had no excuse really to go sleep in his, there was no storm outside, and I was too embarrassed to pretend that I was scared again, so even if it was somehow a bit unfamiliar by now, I managed to fall asleep on my own that night, of course not without watching Liam for a few minutes, I was so happy that I wasn’t home right now without him, it was nearly sounding mean in my head towards my friends and family even though Liam had told them. But still.

The next two days were making the rest of my life hard to live up to, almost impossible. You know, Liam had gotten those fast track tickets where you don’t have to line up at all, besides I think my inner child was more present during our visit in Disneyland than it usually was anyway. We met a few fans, yes, but luckily we didn’t cause any mass hysteria, which wasn’t my point, my point was that yes, people would know that we had been in Paris all by ourselves, there’d be pictures, besides the ones that we took.

I also didn’t mind walking around the following day, Liam was with me, he kept me entertained, agreeing with everything that I suggested, never failing to smile when our eyes met.

If anything, I fell in love even harder during that time, I couldn’t believe how I never seemed to get enough of his company, how I could’ve filled every single second with words because I was so desperate to hear him talking and I had so much to tell him. Liam could’ve easily been the only person I’d see until the day I died, which would be soon if my body decided to react this heavily every time we touched, this was really cheesy, but it was true. And he’d never even know.

So of course I was a bit (extremely) sad when we had to part for real at the airport. Last night I had gotten really emotional, so I made up a lie and told Liam that I had spilled coke in my bed, he had already been asleep so he just moved to the side a little, not saying anything and holding up his blanket for me instead. The fact that there was no spot on the sheets has never been mentioned by either of us.

"Thank you again, Li, I know you want me to stop saying it, but really, thanks." I was really just trying to waste time here, I didn’t want to go.

"Anything for you, I’m glad you didn’t get annoyed by me." Never in a million years would that happen.

"No, never." Couldn’t the whole airport just stop working right now?

"I think you have to go." He smiled at me, I didn’t care what he was saying, I couldn’t even look away from his face.

"Hmm… yeah." As slowly as possible, I moved closer until Liam laughed, quickly getting what I was trying to achieve and putting his arms around me and pressing a kiss into my hair.

"Take care until we see us again, alright?" What if I just didn’t let him go?

Ignoring his question completely, I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, pressing my face tightly into his hoodie. “I’ll miss you.”

"I’ll miss you too." We remained like this for a bit, his words had made me even sadder which was hard to imagine since I was already on the edge of killing myself here. "You really have to go."

"I know… okay… bye then, I guess…" As I stepped back, Liam’s smile faded, I tried my best not to tear up, I swear, at least not while I was still with him, but he noticed that my mood was at a low point.

"Hey… I’ll call you, all right?" He touched my chin for a second, I managed a forced smile before nodding and turning around to go, thinking that this wasn’t even the end of the world, I was just dramatizing this whole thing, it was just because we had been together for this long now, for sure, not because I suddenly had a really bad feeling about all of this.

A feeling that turned out to be right. In case you might have wondered how many times he actually called me, well, he never did.

 

"Thanks for letting me stay." Since I was sixteen now, I was able to get a place for my own in London like all the others, but there had been some complications which meant I couldn’t go there until next week, which was a bit stupid because I’d have to be here for a few interviews and other stuff. Short, Harry and Louis had offered me to stay with them meanwhile.

"That’s fine, we’ll have fun." Harry winked at me, very obviously, which made me bring a few steps between him and Louis, I wasn’t really keen on staying with them anyway, this wasn’t making it any better.

"Come on, Niall, loosen up, I thought going to Paris and never being sober in Ireland would make you come back even more hyper than before." Louis was fumbling with his keys, I didn’t even know why both of them had come to pick me up, on the other hand I appreciated it, also how they nearly knocked me down to the ground. Since other specific people didn’t care where I was, they could see pictures online now. Provided they still knew my name, I mean, eleven days is maybe a bit too much time to remember someone you’ve spent nearly every day for half a year with.

"I’m not hyper. And I actually was sober except for a few times." And what was he saying about Paris? Who had been in Paris?

"Aren’t your friends like, fourteen, that’s not even legal, shame on you. You are supposed to be a role model." I laughed along with them instead of getting angry, there were other things I could get mad at, compared to them Louis’ joke deserved an oscar.

Their apartment looked like the last time I had been here, which was about two months ago or maybe even more, I didn’t know, usually when I was here I had stayed with L-.. someone else.

"You can have this room, sorry it’s a bit empty." It was indeed empty, there was nothing in here except for a bed that probably was one hundred years old judging by the look of it and a closet I wouldn’t put my clothes in anyway. Whatever, I could’ve gotten myself a hotel, sure, but when I had talked to Harry on the phone, he had probably noticed that I was nervous about going there by myself, I was just used to sharing my hotel room with someone else, it was scary enough that I’d have to go to my apartment next week.

"That’s fine, it’s only for a few days anyway." And then I could finally bury myself somewhere never to be seen in the daylight again. Well, until our next tour.

"You won’t be in here much anyway, you still have to tell us about your surprise." Oh.

"Didn’t… didn’t Liam tell you already?" I was nervous all of a sudden, my laugh sounded fake even to myself, I pretended that it was essential for me to carry my bag over to the bed while Louis and Harry were still standing in the doorway, their stares burning holes into my back.

"Not really. We haven’t really seen him, you know." Yeah, I knew. Things like "LIAM PAYNES NEW GIRLFRIEND" didn’t exactly escape my attention. Only caused me to have a mental breakdown which is not what we are talking about right now.

"Hmm. Well, what do you think it’s been like?" Because I really didn’t feel like recalling all of this, I had managed to lock it away for now, I wasn’t dumb enough to analyze it all over again while I had company.

"Throwing a shadow over the rest of us?" A few days ago, I would’ve agreed without a second of hesitation, now, not so sure.

"Pretty much." I lied, taking a quick breath before turning to face them again, I tried to think of nothing at all, happy that they weren’t so trained in telling when something was up with me, so they bought my smile this time.

"Liam just knows how to make hearts melt, I think Sophia could write us a novel about that." Sophia. My hands clenched into fists, maybe I was cold, who knows.

"Yeah, probably." Then I laughed, walking past them to go to the kitchen, if I stuffed my face like I usually would, no one would notice how quick my breath was going and how I was slightly shaking, I couldn’t stop it even as I tried.

"Make yourself feel like home…" Harry mumbled after I had already opened their fridge, I was used to this, when we were on tour everyone just took what they felt like taking, if we asked then this would be going nowhere.

"Thanks." All I wanted was to bring the attention away from me and Liam and people called Sophia that enjoyed stumbling into my life and destroying it to bits and trips to Disneyland that meant nothing after eleven days or promises like "I’ll call you", yeah, who kept promises anyway, not Liam Payne.

"We thought we should reunite since you’re here as well now, but Zayn said he’s busy." We all shared a look now, I had just taken charge over their whole couch, sprawling out, because I had reached a point where I didn’t care eating off of my chest, while Harry and Louis were sitting on the other, obviously not minding over me behaving like they were guests instead of me. The reason why no one was surprised about Zayn having no time for us was because he obviously liked being with Perrie better, maybe he was someone who called back when he said so, I should ask her. "So Liam’s gonna come over later."

I nearly spit out a mouthful of pudding, what the hell, why was he coming over, what did he want from me?! “Oh, okay.”

"Actually, I had thought he’d insist on you staying with him, but maybe his walls are too thin for that." They both laughed over Louis’ sex joke, I wondered whether they’d shoot me if I asked them to.

"Whatever." Wow, I had never wanted to kill someone so badly in my life, I had to actually keep my hands busy now to not grab my phone and google Sophia for the tenth million time to find out something about her that would force Liam to break up with her. But she wasn’t a stripper nor had a criminal past and her parents were rich enough to make Liam’s money not the main point in this relationship, trust me, I knew how to do my research.

"Yeah, you got us anyway. I just found it strange, because you’re usually stuck together like glue." If he didn’t stop this then Harry would be living by himself from now on.

All I did was shrug, pretending to be busy, which I actually was, with eating my feelings, I also didn’t look at them because I was scared I’d burst into tears if I heard one more comment about how Liam had simply replaced me. Actually, he hadn’t replaced me, because we hadn’t been dating or anything, he had just been too busy for me and I shouldn’t have gotten so attached or taken his words so seriously. It’s just, everyone else had called me as well and they hadn’t taken me to Paris before or let me sleep in their bed or babied me for three years.

The real problem was that what I had feared the whole time had actually happened now that I hadn’t been prepared. But why NOW?

I didn’t get up from this couch the whole day, only to use the bathroom, I had to mentally prepare myself for seeing Liam while talking and acting as if I was really watching TV. Exhausting.

"Do you think Sophia likes ten week old chips?" WAIT, WAIT WHAT?!

"Uhmm… why?" Louis was standing there in front of me and Harry, holding a bag of chips, examining it a bit critically while I tried not go and flip over the TV, if he said those words now I would fucking jump out of the window or run naked down the street.

"Oh… I thought I told you… Liam said she’d come too. Is that… okay?" WELL NO.

Harry and Louis looked at me first, then at each other, they probably had noticed how sharp I had inhaled and sat up straight all of a sudden, but I shut them out for now as I let that sink in, blankly staring at the wall, at some picture of a photoshoot of us, but I didn’t see anything.

Why? Why would he bring her here? Why would he even come in the first place? If he didn’t wanna talk to me anymore out of non existent reasons then he should at least stick to them, fucking asshole. No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.

"Yeah. Sure." My voice sounded dead somehow, I had no energy left to pretend as if it didn’t affect me like before, because it was killing me to be honest, they could consider themselves lucky I wasn’t crying yet.

"Are you okay?" Harry was scooting closer a bit while Louis just kept standing there, still having no answer for his rotten chips, if he asked me again then I’d just suggest we should offer her some, maybe she died, completely accidentally.

"Sure, I… I think I just nearly threw up because …because of all the stuff earlier, I’ll be right back." There really was some kind of sickness deep in my stomach all of a sudden, but I doubted that it had been the food, I got up anyway, trying not to run as I headed for the bathroom, locking up behind me just as I broke out into tears, sliding down with my back pressed into the door until I hit the floor.

This was just not fair. Had I really been worth nothing at all? He had told me, that I was his best friend, that he loved me, that he’d always be there for me yet he had just cut me out of his life like that, WHY?

He had had girlfriends before but that hadn’t caused him to completely ignore me, it had never made a difference before just like you wouldn’t suddenly abandon your real little brother just because you’re in a relationship, but Liam had. And to be completely honest now, I wasn’t sure whether I really wanted to even see him tonight.

The thing was that, I hadn’t called him either, but only because after I had waited two days, trying to distract myself with family and friends, the news had come out with his girlfriend, that’s when I had thought he’d call me when he had time to, I didn’t wanna bother him, but turned out he didn’t actually care about keeping his promises. He hadn’t even told me himself, I had seen it on fucking twitter.

When I thought about making up some excuse and sneaking out, pretending to be meeting someone, I heard the doorbell, great really.

My eyes were a little red as I managed to stand up, splashing some water into my face, not caring that the towel didn’t look really hygienic.

Before going out again, it was getting really obvious now, I checked the mirror one last time. Wow, I really did look like a child, compared to the others, no wonder I’d never have a chance, not even remotely, and now I wasn’t even good enough anymore to be the little brother, I was just no one.

"Where’s Niall?" That was Liam’s voice, he still knew my name, what a surprise.

"In the bathroom, I’ll go check on him if he doesn’t come out in five minutes." They all laughed, I could hear a girl laugh as well that made my hair stand on end. Ugh, I shouldn’t have been so judgmental beforehand, this was nothing personal after all.

When I came around the corner, I expected exactly nothing, that’s why I gasped as Liam had wrapped me up in his arms before I could even look at him properly. It was a tight hug, but it didn’t last as long as it usually would, I had hardly time to return it when he already let go again, smiling down at me while I tried to not look as if I was attending a funeral.

"You look good." Really? That was all?

"Thanks." My mouth nearly hurt as I forced the corners to go up, Liam looked more than good, he looked like everything that had been missing in my life the past few days.

Maybe I wanted to say something else, but he didn’t leave me any time to open my mouth before he brought my attention to this girl that had absolutely no idea how much I wished she wasn’t here right now. Was it creepy I already knew how she looked like because I had probably spent five hours stalking her? Well, considering the fact that she probably knew me already as well, that was only fair.

"Niall, Sophia." The two people Liam Payne switched back and forth as his number one. Well, he probably wouldn’t switch us back anymore, because she was too pretty and besides, she was a girl and I wasn’t.

"Hi." This was maybe dumb, you would think I was experienced enough to know what to say to a complete stranger, but I think she forgave me instantly since she hugged me, messing everything up even more because she smelled slightly like Liam and now I was stuck thinking about them making out. By the way, she hugged me longer than Liam, now this is what you call depressing.

"Hi, Niall. Liam told me so much about you." Did he, well you could’ve also just turned on the TV or logged onto twitter once a while, just a thought. "You turned sixteen a few days ago, right? Happy late birthday."

"Thanks." At this point, everyone else was sitting already, talking while I was stuck here with Liam’s fucking girlfriend, it couldn’t have gotten any worse now. At least that’s what I thought.

"Did you enjoy Paris?" This was like being five and visiting your parents’ friends for Christ’s sake!

"Uh, yeah, sure. Who wouldn’t?" Well, I guess she enjoyed visiting other things with Liam more. Okay, that wouldn’t help me get these images out of my head.

"That’s great." She smiled at me, as if she was about to pinch my cheeks, then she left me standing just like everyone else to go sit next to Liam. Of course, where else?

I followed her example, as if I was in trance, only that I took the empty space next to Louis and no one else, this had to be a freaking joke. They knew each other since maybe eleven days for crying out loud! Maybe they have met before due to the fact that she was Andy’s girlfriend’s sister, but we had just been on tour for god knows how long, HOW. What was Liam even doing?! And why was he so happy?

"Is Zayn hanging out with Perrie again?" YES LIAM BECAUSE ZAYN HAS PRIORITIES.

"Yeah. I told him he could bring her but no chance." I understood Zayn, I would have rather been anywhere in the world right now, too.

"Maybe he didn’t want to see me." After saying this, I started laughing hysterically, no one joined, they all looked at me as if I had gone mad. Maybe they were right.

"Why wouldn’t he? This is not about you." Liam actually looked at me while answering, I knew what he meant, but to me it sounded like ‘Shut up for once the world doesn’t revolve around you.’.

So that’s what I did for the rest of the night. Staying quiet with the excuse that I was jet lagged. After flying from Dublin to London, yeah who doesn’t get jet lagged on that way, they wouldn’t know anyway, I didn’t even think anyone cared about me not talking.

So after I hadn’t spoken for half an hour and played with my phone instead (at least I still had the fans, someone who appreciated me after all), I got up, stretching slightly, trying very hard not to meet Liam’s or Sophia’s eyes, if I did then I could guarantee for nothing.

"Where are you going?" Oh, they still knew about my presence, how delightful.

"I’m going to bed, I’m really tired." Then I forced myself to yawn, this was a new low point.

"It’s nine." Why did Liam always feel the need to give me an answer to everything, I was trying to ignore him.

"I’m very well aware of the fact that it is nine o clock, thank you very much, I actually learned to read a clock ten years ago." Even I was scared by how sarcastic my voice had gotten, it’s just, I was so freaking pissed off and sad, I couldn’t hold it in, so I just left with a short and simple "Goodnight".

The only one who replied was Sophia, who still sounded as if she was talking to a toddler by the way. “Nice meeting you, Niall. Goodnight.”

Yeah. Goodnight.

Even though I could hardly resist it, I didn’t slam the door, there was only one reason why I didn’t lock it, I told myself that it was because I was already lying in my bed, but I wanted someone to come check on me. Well, not someone, just Liam. I wanted him to come and apologize and tell me he was sorry and that he loved me more than Sophia because she was just a flirt so I could go stay with him instead because it’s all been just one big misunderstanding.

Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t even think of coming, I just stripped off into my boxers, crawling completely under my blanket, maybe I’d suffocate, that would make me feel a bit sorry for Louis and Harry since they’d have to get my dead body outside, but I couldn’t please everyone.

I was drifting in and out of sleep, crying in between, not once checking the clock but at one point I heard someone open the door softly, if this was Sophia as well trying to mother me I would strangle her right here.

"Niall?" It was Harry, I shouldn’t have been disappointed because I had known Liam wouldn’t come, but I couldn’t help it.

"I’m sleeping." Actually, I had planned on sounding annoyed, instead my voice gave away that I had been crying my eyes out, it really was not to be overheard, so instead I buried myself under the blanket again, as if he wouldn’t see me then.

"Can I talk to you?" Hiding obviously didn’t help.

"Why?" Maybe Liam had left me a note saying he didn’t like me anymore just in case I hadn’t gotten it yet.

Harry didn’t answer, I felt him sitting down on the bed next to me, pulling the covers until I gave in, but I wouldn’t turn around so he could see how red and wet my face was, no way. “What’s wrong?”

"Nothing, I’m tired." One mistake was that I sniffed, but honestly, I don’t think Harry was stupid enough to buy my dumb excuses anyway.

"Hey, Niall… does it bother you that Liam is dating Sophia?" He was now leaning over me, it was nice somehow not having to be alone, but he just happened to be the wrong person trying to comfort me.

"As long as he is happy." There, I hadn’t said anything negative about her, I also hadn’t spilled my secret.

My answer made Harry sigh nonetheless, he ruffled my hair a bit before speaking up again, as if I had given him confirmation already. “You know… he’s been worried about you before they left.” HAHA OF COURSE. “I haven’t really thought about this before, but I talked with Louis and we’re really sorry we said all those things earlier. It must suck being in your position now, I know how much Liam means to you and how much you guys hang out. But don’t think he replaced you or that you don’t mean anything to him, because he loves you so much, Niall.”

"Hm." I didn’t know how to reply, I wished I could have believed him but something made it very hard to.

"Look, he didn’t have a girlfriend for a while now, it’s just because it’s so new, things are gonna go back to normal again, you’ll see." What if he was lying? Just to make me feel better for now, why else would he say those things when it was obvious that none of this was going to happen.

"But it’s never been like this…" Harry had made me talk without me wanting to, but I just needed to say it out loud, I had locked it up the past few days, which had been hard because I was used to having someone to go to. Liam.

"Why don’t you talk to him tomorrow? After we’re finished with everything, I’ll make sure you’re alone with him. Or if you don’t want to, I can talk to him as well. Or Louis." I shouldn’t drag any of them into this, after all they only knew half the truth. They knew that I was probably going to have trouble surviving without Liam by my side, but I just didn’t think that any of them understood just how much I really needed him and that I was both sad but also fucking jealous because of Sophia, I couldn’t tell anybody though, that would kill about every possibility I had getting Liam back.

"Okay, I’ll talk to him…" Even though I didn’t know what to say, because I knew the problem anyway. He had either realized that I was annoying or that I was too old for all of this, maybe he had just been waiting for the day he could finally stop babying me, yeah, he was probably glad he didn’t have to sleep in a bed with me anymore or give me kisses or even call me.

"Once you’ve told him how you feel it’ll get better again, I promise." Harry seemed convinced by his own words, or maybe he wanted me to believe that he was because nothing he said really made me feel any better, I appreciated the afford though. "Are you gonna be okay on your own? Do you want me to stay?"

I knew what he was doing, he was trying to make up for Liam’s absence by taking over his part, it seemed that everyone else had realized that something was strange as well now. “No, thank you, I’ll be fine, I’m actually really tired.”

"Okay. You know where we are if you need us, right?" Then he hesitated a bit before rubbing my bare shoulder and standing back up, up to now I hadn’t moved at all, I had just been staring into complete darkness, but as I heard the door close again, I sat up, grabbing my phone.

I had some messages, but I ignored every single one of them since they weren’t from importance to me now, just unlocking my phone and going straight to my photos.

There were so many from Paris on there, it was almost embarrassing how much photos you could take within this short period of time. Even if it hurt like hell and I started crying after the second, I forced myself to look at every single picture, analyzing Liam’s face when he hadn’t known that I had been watching him, I just wanted to know whether there had been signs that I had missed, that he had just played happy the whole time and the second I looked away he had had to take a breath because he was so annoyed. But no.

All I knew after checking those pictures and then continuing with the ones other people had taken of us and going over to reading Liam’s tweets from that time and looking at the picture of us he had tweeted was that I missed him even more now.

 

The next morning I felt like absolute crap, I had managed to get up before the others, just so I had an hour longer to mentally prepare myself for seeing Liam again.

It wasn’t even that he hadn’t called me or whatever, the real thing that hit me so hard was that he treated me just like everyone else, as if he had suddenly forgotten everything that had happened and everything he had told me, that he’d always be there for me, that crap. What was even wrong with him, that is no way to treat anyone, not someone you hardly know but especially not the person you called your best friend.

I would never tell him any of these things though, that was something I knew as well, no matter what he would do, at the end of the day I’d come to the realization that it was my own fault. Liam didn’t treat people like this, I was the only exception, therefore there was something wrong with ME.

"What are you thinking about so hard, Nialler? You’ll forget to swallow." It was true, even before Louis had walked into the kitchen, I had just been staring at the wall for a while, deep in thoughts and with a full mouth, it was all just sticky and gross now, I nearly choked while swallowing. Eating hadn’t been a good idea at all. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah…" I pushed my plate away from me slightly, the sight of toast had suddenly started to disgust me.

Louis didn’t seem really convinced by my answer, couldn’t blame him, I had not even bothered to lift my head, just blankly staring at my hands as he walked up behind me, rubbing my arms so unexpectedly I tensed up for a second. See, this is what was coming out of all of this, now I was scared of touches. “It’s gonna be okay, you’ll see.”

"Mhm." I could’ve also pretended I had no idea what he was talking about, but since it was obviously impossible for me to keep my moods to myself, that wouldn’t have helped me either, he and Harry had discussed this last night anyway. Maybe they were planning on throwing me out now, maybe Liam had convinced them that I was actually just a bother to everyone, in a few days maybe I would be out of the band as well, you never knew. "Am I annoying, Louis?"

"What?" He had settled down next to me, his spoon halfway stopping on its way to his mouth when the question just slipped out, but actually, I was really interested in his answer.

"Am I annoying?" I asked again, refusing to look at him, maybe the fact that I was even talking at all was bothering him but he just acted like it was okay, I mean, Liam had managed to do that as well, for years.

"No, you’re not. Why would you think that?" Oh I don’t know hm maybe because it’s true.

"Do you think I’m too childish?" Really, I was speaking to the table, not to him, I also didn’t care about what he was saying really, he was probably lying anyway, someone had to take up with me after all, maybe Louis and Harry had lost some bet.

"Niall, if this is because of Liam, then stop talking right here." See, now he was telling me to shut up. "Liam is just a bit too focused on Sophia right now, this has nothing to do with you, he doesn’t like you any less, he doesn’t think you’re annoying or childish. He still loves you like before."

But he liked HER more. That was what I really wanted to say, instead I shrugged, because who treats the people they love like this? “It’s just… he never once called me, it’s like… it’s like I imagined everything before.”

"Oh, Niall…" This had just come out too sad, Louis nearly forced me to put my head on his shoulder as he hugged me, it’s not like I cared anyway, I couldn’t even cry, I barely moved my eyes one centimeter to the side. I felt bad to be honest, because I didn’t want to say anything about Liam that would make him mad at me if he ever found out.

"Promise me you won’t tell him any of this and that you won’t go talking to him." Just in case they really cared as much about me as they pretended, I couldn’t need either Louis nor Harry running to Liam and making me look even more like a child that couldn’t speak up for itself.

The silence worried me a bit, I nearly pulled away to actually look at Louis this time, or glare, but then he sighed, giving me a squeeze before letting go again, maybe he had noticed how I slightly moved, not so familiar with this. “Okay, I promise.”

"… So am I too childish?" I still hadn’t gotten an answer to this one after all.

"Niall. Stop. Look at me, do you have the feeling that I’m mature? That anyone in this band is actually acting like their age? You fit in perfectly with us and if Liam decides to choose some girl over us then this is his problem but don’t you dare starting to think it’s your fault." I know, this should have been comforting, the way he had said ‘if he chooses some girl over US’, but the truth was, he was just choosing her over me and now that Louis had made me realize that, it had just made everything worse.

Liam hadn’t been too busy with his his girlfriend to come here, had he? And Harry had said ‘We haven’t really seen him’ which didn’t mean that they hadn’t seen him at all, besides even just once would’ve been more than the number of calls or texts I had gotten. Besides, would it have killed him to hug me those few seconds longer? He had let me sit on his LAP in front of his other girlfriends yet he was behaving as if I was contagious now. This was actually completely against me.

"Yeah. Sorry. I’ll just talk to him today or so… I’ll go change now." Every fake smile started to hurt me, even if it had just been half hearted, but I needed Louis to think that I believed him, I hated how him and Harry would now always keep an extra eye on me.

As if this conversation hadn’t dragged me down enough, I met Harry as well just as he walked out of his bedroom, luckily too sleepy to do any more than nodding slowly at me, I made sure to pass him by as quickly as possible, grabbing the first pieces of clothes that I found before locking myself into the bathroom. I hadn’t even been here for a full day and this was the second time I needed to isolate myself from them. To be honest, going to a hotel didn’t seem like such a bad idea at all anymore.

After I had managed to excuse myself from joining Louis and Harry by saying I needed to check my mails while in reality I had just been sitting on the bed, staring at the black screen of my laptop, occasionally pretending to be writing whenever someone walked by, we left too soon. I hadn’t managed to form any sentence in my head that didn’t sound dumb and by the time we actually arrived for the interview my head was completely blank.

The fact that Liam wasn’t here yet worried me a little, not because I was actually scared about his health but I was scared he was having too much fun to be on time, which was so, so wrong.

"Niall!" I turned around, not having time to localize where the voice had come from before Zayn was hugging me already, if we are making this about details now then he had both hugged me the longest but also the tightest. "Sorry I didn’t come yesterday, but you’ll have to tell me when you go to your new place, I’ll have to make sure you really put my presents up like you promised."

"Of course I will." There was a bit of normality, I hadn’t noticed it until I had seen how genuine Zayn’s smile was, but Harry and Louis were both starting to act a little weird around me, that’s why I was a bit more relaxed now. Maybe I could just stick to Zayn for the rest of the day until we were done here, then I could make up some lie and disappear until late at night, perfect plan. And it certainly did not contain any unnecessary conversations with people who did not even want to talk to me in the first place.

"I hope so. Now, how was your time at home?" FINALLY! Someone who didn’t bring up Paris, god bless, Zayn, seriously.

I kept on babbling about everything that was remotely worth telling, I didn’t even care if he was still listening, I was just trying to distract myself, especially as I saw Liam, I didn’t give him one look, I just kept on talking, pretending that he was as invisible as I had been to him.

Unfortunately though, he had somehow decided that he could see me again, or maybe Zayn, I was starting to feel something between both incredibly nervous but also an extreme urge to just go and cling to him as Liam walked towards us, couldn’t the interview start right now, everyone is already here, hello, help me.

For the first time in so long (actually, twelve days are not that long they just seemed to be for me), my prayers had been heard, as I stepped away a bit, so Liam was forced to hug Zayn first (it’s not that he wanted to hug me anyway, but he also couldn’t skip me, too obvious), our interviewer walked in, Louis and Harry sat down on the couch and I saw my chance.

"Move." I hissed, I had just nearly fallen down trying to be there quick enough before Liam would face me, now standing in front of Harry, trying to make him give me his space on one end.

"Why?" We both looked over, I accidentally met Liam’s eyes, the only other free space was next to him, Harry was smiling softly as he understood. "Go."

"No." What was wrong with him, we had agreed that I would talk to Liam not that I would squeeze into the tiniest place next to him for ten minutes. Or maybe even longer who knows all my other nightmares were coming true as well lately.

"Okay, guys." Clearly, this was only meant for me, since I was rude as fuck and standing with my back towards the interviewer, but he would soon ask me the same question that I always heard ‘What is it like being so much younger’, maybe he just thought I was too immature for any of this. He could team up with Liam and write a novel on that topic with headlines like ‘And then I pretended that I liked him’.

I wanted to tell Harry to go to hell, instead I tried to get every single emotion out of my face while walking to the other end of the couch, not once giving Liam a look, I didn’t even flinch as I brushed his leg with mine, it would have almost been impossible not to.

From the corners of my eyes I saw him looking at me for a second or two as Louis answered something that had been asked, but it wasn’t my fault that I had to sit here, couldn’t he just get over himself for once, maybe pretend to not feel the urge to push me off? We were so lucky right now that this wouldn’t be filmed, only recorded.

"Niall, your birthday was a few days ago?" Maybe in fifty years people would still ask me this, ‘Oh, Niall, how was your sixteenth birthday by the way can you please give me some details and a summary of everything that has happened afterwards?’.

"Yeah." I got some warning glance from Louis, but what else did he want me to say, maybe I should have sounded more enthusiastic.

"Well, I hope you had a good one. Any partying? Or didn’t the others let you?" Everyone laughed a little, so I joined more or less, shaking my head slowly, I was supposed to answer as everyone would expect me to.

"No, we didn’t have time anyway, it was our last day of tour." Then I suddenly remembered that my life wasn’t a secret, just in time for my hands to get sweaty before the next question, which wasn’t only directed towards me.

"So then Liam took you to Paris instead?" If someone hadn’t noticed by now, it was completely clear at this very moment as no one gave an answer for a second, oh no, I wouldn’t answer this, I hadn’t created this mess, I wouldn’t help keep up a facade.

"Yeah…" Yeah WHAT, Liam? "He deserved it." WHY WAS HIS HAND TOUCHING MY THIGH GET IT OFF.

Liam had actually managed to smile, while I was just glad I hadn’t started bawling, it was so fucking obvious that he regretted our trip, when we had been there I had always been thinking about how I would be in a situation exactly like this now but how I wouldn’t shut up because I was so proud, now look where we were.

Interviews like this hadn’t happened to me up to now, maybe a few times when I hadn’t been next to Liam, but especially when we weren’t being filmed, he usually wouldn’t stop looking at me and smiling, squeezing me and pulling me closer to his side, sometimes even kissing my head slightly when no one was focused on us.

Now all I got was his hand touching me awkwardly just so no one would notice how we hadn’t really talked since then, taking it away immediately as soon as the others tried to make up for us ruining the question by being extra funny for the rest of the time. Of course, Liam had no problem to join, of course.

I was up and ready to go as soon as we had said goodbye, already heading towards the front door when someone stopped me by almost violently grabbing my arm. “What the hell are you doing?”

"What does it look like, Harry? I’m leaving." Far, far away.

"No, you’re not, Niall. You can’t act like this, everyone will notice, you need to go sort this out with him." Why ME?

"What if I don’t? What if I don’t care anymore?" After this, I had no intend anymore to ever try and talk to Liam ever again, I just wanted to go somewhere and not think about anything.

"If you don’t then I will. And don’t tell me you don’t care or maybe last night will slip out of my mouth as well." He would never do that, would he? "Go now, he’s all alone."

We both looked over, extremely obvious, but he didn’t notice, he was a bit away, standing there and obviously searching for something in his pockets. And he looked so good while doing it, it shouldn’t be allowed to let someone like Liam out in public. Just standing here looking at him properly for the first time today made me miss him so much I felt as if I was dying.

"Go." Harry left me no choice, I had been too captivated by trying to think back at a moment where I could have just gone and snuggled into Liam that I didn’t see it coming as he pushed me forward a little, quickly following Louis and Zayn outside.

So now I was just standing there as well, staring at Liam as he found what he had been looking for, pleased with himself until he nearly bumped into me. I was surprised his hands didn’t burn holes into my hoodie as he automatically kept me from falling down.

"Niall." No worries, he had already let go again.

"Sorry… You know I, I…." It was so dumb, how I couldn’t stop looking at his face, as if the answer was written there, but he just looked confused, not sorry or on the edge of a breakdown like I did. Nothing.

"What’s wrong?" Do you want the whole list or just my suicide note?

"It’s just I… I was wondering if…" The reason why I didn’t finish was because I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. Did I want to apologize? Ask him who the fucking hell he thought he was for ignoring me like that? Or just tell him that I loved him and that I would go and jump off a cliff now? One thing was sure though, I should have decided a little faster.

"Niall, I’m really sorry, I have to go." Of course.

"It’s fine, it wasn’t important anyway…" Finally, I managed to look away from him, lowering my eyes so now I was staring at his shoes, trying not to cry again.

The next moment was really awkward, I thought Liam would just rush past me and outside, leaving me standing there, but as he took a step, he suddenly made some sound, as if he was mad at someone, but as I checked his face, he was still having this ‘What a normal day’ expression.

"You can tell me later? We can do something tonight, okay? I’ll call you." Wait a second… "I really have to go."

"Y-Yeah, okay. Alright. See you later." Please let this be real, just please.

"Alright." Liam smiled quickly before leaving, I was so shocked, I couldn’t follow him, I couldn’t even turn around or move or think, so I kept on staring at nothing, ignoring every single person that worked in this Radio station who said hi to me.

Maybe… maybe he just felt like it was his duty to meet up with me, but there was a possibility that he wanted to actually talk to me. You know, if he was really trying to avoid me then he could’ve just done exactly what he done the past few days as well, he didn’t have any problems with that as it seemed, so why hang out with me? This meant there was still a chance, right?

 

"Where’ve you been?" You would think I didn’t have to explain myself anymore, maybe it was the fact that I came back only two and a half hours later, Louis seemed so relieved that I was back, he actually hugged me.

"I walked." If I would’ve come back here instantly, then I wouldn’t have had any time to think about this alone, which had been necessary to come to two conclusions. One, a single word from Liam lifted my mood up to a point where I would consider it unhealthy, two, my hopes were up too high for tonight and I couldn’t help it. Short, I had made exactly no progress yet I felt as if I had just taken some drugs.

"What? Why? Didn’t you get recognized?!" Yeah, about that, maybe he was so shocked because he knew how scared I got when I was surrounded by so many people at once, luckily I had a hoodie and knew how to make sure whomever I met wouldn’t yell their heads off.

"Twice. But they were all calm." Because I had promised them I’d follow them on twitter but only if they waited one hour to post the picture. Right I still had to do that.

Before Louis could close his mouth, Harry was already there, grabbing me by the shoulders. “And?”

They both seemed disturbed as I smirked, maybe thinking I had completely lost it now, but I took a breath, trying to make it seem like nothing. Deep down I was still embarrassed over last night. “He told me we could do something tonight and talk.” I didn’t have to mention that I didn’t have the guts to actually ask Liam what was up, being so annoying had probably caused all of this in the first place, I wasn’t stupid enough to go and do exactly what he hated the most about me.

"See?! I told you!" Harry nearly jumped up and down while Louis said something that sounded very close to ‘Thank god’, maybe I had heard wrong over Harry’s voice, yeah, probably. "That’s great. Everything will be okay again, you just need to talk with him. See, now you won’t have to go out with me and Louis tonight because we would have dragged you along."

"I wouldn’t have gone with you anyway." And then I laughed, just like that, it really surprised me actually, this hadn’t been funny at all how come I was just laughing out of nowhere? Right, I was going crazy over how Liam had given me the same promise that he had just broken for no reason at all again, trying not to expect much of this when in reality, I did. I admit it, I just was like that, I would always have some hope left and right now I had like a ton of it even if I told myself that I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t call me at all. Truth was, I’d be crushed.

"Come on, we’re not that bad." No, they just weren’t Liam.

"Well, maybe I would have thought about it." I didn’t even care where they were going, there was no way I’d be going with them, it would first of all just feel like being the third wheel and secondly, they would try so hard to cheer me up that it would depress me even more.

"There’s no need to now." The thing was, Harry was as happy as he could be which made me feel a little calmer, but then I looked over to Louis, who clearly had to try and smile when in reality he seemed to actually not share our excitement. Maybe he was thinking the same thing that I had thought. What if he wouldn’t call me?

"Haz, calm down." Maybe they thought I hadn’t seen the look they exchanged, but I had.

"I’ll go quickly I… I promised those girls I’d follow them." Actually I hadn’t felt like leaving and automatically giving them the chance to talk behind my back, however the silence was becoming awkward as soon as Harry had stopped telling me how everything was gonna be okay, I didn’t want Louis’s negativity to influence me. Even if it was just for this short time, I had something to look forward to and hope for, what else was I supposed to do besides for waiting? There was no way I’d ever be able to go make the first step, Liam wouldn’t have done any of this without a reason after all.

Spending time by myself was horrible, all it did to me was making me look at all those fucking pictures again, stalk online and mindlessly stare at a wall without really having one thought that could be considered smart, I just wanted this fucking phone to vibrate.

It didn’t. At least not before Harry and Louis were about to leave, it was only like five or something, still enough time, but they were both so negative about it now I almost felt dumb for still thinking he’d call. What was the use in lying to me AGAIN?

"You know what, if he doesn’t call you then I’ll go and tell him something." They wouldn’t, because Louis had promised me he wouldn’t talk to Liam, and Harry wouldn’t go by himself.

"It’s okay, just have fun, it’s not so late yet." My smile wasn’t fake this time, because I was so naive and stupid, I really believed that things would be the same again after tonight and I hated myself for this.

"Just call us before you hang out here by yourself, okay?" They were so worried, it seemed they were about to decide and stay, something I couldn’t have survived right now, I didn’t want to be left alone with my misery but it was still better than being controlled .

"Yeah, it’s gonna be fine." We were discussing in the fucking doorframe here to make this clear, they both had shoes on, but wouldn’t go.

That was the second reason why it felt as if I had had to hold my breath just to be able to breathe again as my phone actually DID vibrate, all of us nearly jumped, because it had been in my hand and I almost dropped it to the floor.

Immediately, my heart felt like jumping out of my chest when I looked at the screen and it actually read Liam (actually it said Liam with a heart at the end but the others couldn’t see it anyway). “It’s him.”

"Okay, okay, we’ll go, now, bye, text me!" Even though Harry’s face had gone back to pure excitement and made me feel like a high school girl going on a date with her crush, I still saw Louis being worried before I closed the door after them, too shocked for a second to even pick up right away.

That wasn’t a bad idea at all, he shouldn’t think that I had been waiting for his call for a few hours, because I hadn’t okay. But what if he would hang up now?!

"Hi." Oh god, could I have sounded a bit more breathless, probably not.

"Niall, hi." I was nearly biting my nails off completely as I walked up and down, thinking that the sound in his voice was caused by the bad signal of my phone. "About tonight…"

"Yes?" There was just something about hearing him talking to me over the phone that made me both wanna go cry but at the same time laugh out of relief. He hadn’t forgotten, no matter what we would do or if we would even talk about anything at all, I would still see him and it was all out of his free will.

"I… you know I won’t be able to make it. I’m sorry." And yeah, then this happened.

"Oh…" Everything just stopped for me in this second, I froze after walking up and down out of excitement, the smile slowly fading, this had to be a joke. That’s all I thought, the tears didn’t come immediately, I was so surprised first of all because I had been stuck thinking that we would meet, I had been 100% sure.

"I’m sorry, b-" For a second there, I thought he’d call me babe like he used to, however he either was extremely talented in talking himself out of something or I had just been hallucinating. "But you could tell me now whatever you wanted to say before, if you want to."

"Nothing. It wasn’t important." I didn’t even sound sad or disappointed or anything, I just sounded like I felt, dead.

"Are you…sure?" Liam had hesitated, I didn’t know what to think of it and honestly I was so sick of analyzing his behavior by now, there was nothing going to come out of it anyway.

"Yeah. I’ll hang up now." He was lucky anyway that I had even informed him, I could’ve also just gone ahead.

"Wait!" For what? It seemed he was really sorry, but I didn’t believe him. "I… I hope you still have something to do tonight now that I wasted your time."

It’s fine Liam, I have wasted yours as well haven’t I. That wasn’t what I said, though I wanted to, instead, I lied. “Sure, I’ll go out with Louis and Harry, see you soon.”

Then I hung up, not even waiting to go to my messages, reading what Harry had probably sent me the second he had been out of this door, for a second I thought about my possibilities and the consequences, then I texted him back. ‘We’ll go eat something, I’ll tell you everything later!’.

 

______________________ 2 weeks later

 

Technically I hadn’t invited Liam over. But then again, I also hadn’t invited any of the others yet they were all here in my living room, everyone of them pretending to be watching TV while I was busy watching their expressions. Well, I wouldn’t recommend a career as actors if this was how they tried to make me believe that they were watching this comedy.

My new apartment was pretty cool, Zayn had helped me unpack like he had promised, together with Perrie, but it was fine, I liked her.

I had been lucky, I had been able to go here three days earlier than expected, which meant I had had to spend only two more nights at Harry’s and Louis’s place after… this incident. They had believed me, that I had actually met up with Liam, that we had talked this out and the reason he had ignored me had been because of Sophia and how she got jealous easily besides we were getting older anyway, it was fine. At least that’s what I had been able to make up in this short time that I had had before they came back.

The following days, I had worked on my plan a little, pretending to be texting Liam, stuff like that until I had finally been able to come here, then it had almost gotten too easy. Since we didn’t have much stuff to do lately, I would just make up lies whenever someone asked me, that my cousin was here, I couldn’t hang out because I hadn’t heard their calls, now it was too late. Liam had tried to call me as well actually, twice, I had never answered or talked about it.

My only fear was that they could all start talking about me, then all the lies would just blow up, that actually none of them had seen me for two weeks besides this one time we had had to give some interview sort of stuff where I had managed to act as happy as I could have possibly been, before rushing off with the excuse that I was hanging out with someone.

Reality was a lot different than that. To keep it short, I wasn’t over the thing with Liam, not at all. Not even now as I was staring at his profile, wishing that he would just look back at me and smile, if anything, I was just getting worse, why else would I be in this situation now? It was all because of him.

I wasn’t so good in judging my own mental state, I could only guess what the others would say if I would tell them what I was really doing at night when I ignored their calls. I had a feeling they should never find out.

"Can I go get something to drink?" Liam was actually asking me for permission, he was the only one who probably knew the way to the kitchen besides Zayn, before… this had happened, he had been the one helping me find a place I could move to when I was old enough. Who else, I hadn’t been able to go one day without him, I still wondered how I managed to do it now.

"Sure, if you find something." I doubted it though, I wasn’t as calm as I pretended to be, if I’m being quite honest.

Harry had called me up, I had answered my phone because it been in the middle of the day, telling me something about how we all should hang out together or something and why not do it at my place since he and Louis hadn’t seen it yet. Yeah, how could I have said no again? Actually I didn’t plan on Zayn and Liam coming, Zayn was engaged and Liam hated me, so why would they come, right? But they were both here, acting as strange as Harry and Louis. Something was up, maybe they had talked after all, which wouldn’t bother me so much, I had bigger secrets to keep. Besides Louis had promised me he would never go and tell Liam anything or ask him about this and I doubted that Harry would do that whereas Zayn wasn’t really involved in any of this.

While Liam was gone, everyone else was still pretending to be watching TV, what was the point of hanging out if no one talked? All I knew was that I wouldn’t be the one to speak up, I was highly alarmed, already looking for excuses, for example why Liam and me weren’t being as close as we used to be but seemed even further apart than it would be normal for friends. Friends, I guess you couldn’t call us that anymore either.

It really surprised me actually that Liam came back with a full glass, I hoped he wouldn’t get some poisoning from touching this glass, not sure whether I had ever bothered to wash any of my dishes, maybe.

"So…" All eyes were on Louis now, who cleared his throat after Liam had sat down again, farthest away from me. Despite me, no one was confused, that wasn’t very calming, I shouldn’t have let them inside. "Well…Niall uh… I’m sorry, but Harry kinda lied a bit about how we just wanted to hang out." See, they had planned something.

"Why are you here then?" I pulled my legs to my chest, out of instinct to protect myself, both my sleeves covering my hands.

"There’s something we need to talk about … that all of us should hear…" What? What could they know? Nothing. Only thing we could be talking about was how I had lied about solving my problems with Liam, maybe he was suing me because I had damaged his reputation by calling him my friend. Or… or they were throwing me out. Oh my god, that would at least explain their discomfort.

"About what?" My heart started speeding up a little, not too much since it had already been going pretty fast ever since Liam had given me a hug half an hour ago when everyone had come in. Maybe I’d die of a stroke now, just thinking about how I had survived sitting on his lap nearly made me throw up.

"Did you…see any of the stuff that’s been in the newspaper about…us?" Well no, where would I get newspaper from if I didn’t leave the house. I also didn’t really spend my time googling us or searching twitter anymore, because I didn’t need any confirmation on how everyone was more interesting than me, how everyone was more active on twitter, probably had more followers by now, or any photos of Liam that everyone knew because they had been posted so many times. I had my own that no one would ever get to see.

"No, why?" They exchanged looks, which made me shiver, this had obviously not been the answer they had hoped to hear. What the hell was in the newspaper about us? Most likely something negative about me, how I should leave because I was not only too young but also had almost gotten non existent during the past two weeks. There was no other explanation, they were throwing me out.

"Because it’s about you and we’re worried." Now Zayn had taken over the speaking part, he didn’t fight as much with his words as Louis did however he didn’t sound very comfortable either.

"Why? What are they saying?" Okay, I just needed to not freak out, what could it have been? I didn’t go out so much after all, there could be nothing in there.

Before any of the others answered Liam reached in the pocket of his hoodie slowly, careful not to look up just once. He seemed to be the most devastated of them all which made the least sense of all, what was his problem, wasn’t it enough that I was ignoring him? What did he want me to do? Leave the country? Die?

He took too long unfolding the page of some magazine or newspaper, or maybe he didn’t and it just seemed like forever to me until he put it on the couch table, right in front of me where I took it with shaking hands.

There was me, only a picture of me, no one else, from a few days ago, maybe three, when I had actually been outside, I knew what was up before I read any of the text, before I actually looked at the thing in the picture that had been circled.

It had been warmer than I had thought that day, I had been wearing a hoodie, pulling one sleeve up without thinking, only realizing my mistake a few minutes later. I had thought no one had seen me, that there had been no paparazzi or anyone who knew who I was. I had been wrong.

Right there, in HD probably, was my arm completely cut up and red, with a few band aids in between that didn’t make the sight any better, the whole world knew probably, how could they not, with the headline ‘One Direction’s Niall Horan (16) self harming’ on the fucking front page.

"That’s photoshop." I heard myself say, still staring at the picture, did it really look this bad? Was this my worse arm or the other? Thank god I had only pulled one sleeve up not both.

"That’s not the only picture. And not the only magazine talking about it." So what, some people were talented with photoshop.

"It doesn’t mean it’s true." Immediately, four pairs of eyes were on my clothed arms, I felt my stomach twisting as I realized that I couldn’t talk my self out of it now, what should I tell them as a reason? Should I even say something at all?! I couldn’t just stand up and yell at Liam that it was all his fault, that I sat up every night crying and cutting myself, that I just needed him back like before and how the hell he had ever thought that I’d be able to go on without him.

I couldn’t do that, but I wanted to. Instead I just sat there, letting the paper slip out of my fingers and onto the floor, staring at the muted TV with my arms wrapped around my legs, pretending that nothing had happened.

"Niall…" Harry was trying now, speaking softly and scooting a bit closer, I didn’t want any of them touching me now, I just wanted them to disappear.

"What?" It was meant to sound annoyed, but I nearly didn’t bring it out because of how tight my throat suddenly was, I was so mad at them, now I was tearing up as well, great.

"If it’s not true then show us." He was whispering, it had gotten all too quiet now, I could see my vision get blurry, not being able to hold those tears back or keep the quiet sobs in. I was so pathetic god damn.

"I-It’s n-none of y-your b-busin-ness." Especially not Liam’s, why was he even here, I still didn’t get it, did he want to laugh at me or something.

"We just want to help you, Nialler." Help. Wasn’t it a bit too late for that… "Please tell us what’s wrong."

There was absolutely no way that they hadn’t talked to Liam about this, that he hadn’t told them that I had been lying, they HAD to know the truth, at least Harry and Louis, so why were they asking.

I stayed quiet, just continuing to cry and avoiding everyone’s eyes, how could I have been so stupid, who goes and rolls their sleeves up after slashing their whole arm, I was so fucking dumb. There, a new point why Liam could hate me.

"Niall, we love you so much, why are you doing this to yourself?" Maybe Louis, Harry and Zayn loved me, but I knew someone who didn’t therefore turned Zayn’s whole statement into a lie.

"You love me?" Before anyone could mistake the question directed to themselves, I turned my head, actually looking at Liam whose eyes seemed red but I wasn’t able to see much between all my tears, he opened his mouth, obviously shocked that I had just asked him like that. I didn’t leave him any time to think of another lie, trying to laugh which sounded scary because of how serious everyone had gotten and the fact that I was bawling my eyes out. "Yeah, sure."

Without waiting for anyone to recover from me doing something so extremely unexpected, I stood up, I couldn’t take any of this anymore, even though this was my place and they were guests, I slammed the door of my bedroom shut behind me, going straight to lie in my bed, facing the wall where I just continued crying, only a little harder.

Fucking shit, I didn’t even deserve anything in my life, I was just messing up friendships and annoying everyone and upsetting my band members and the fans by going out like the dumb idiot I was with rolled up sleeves risking my whole career. Why had they even come here, why did they care, I had lied to them after all, for weeks and even now I couldn’t admit what I had done.

My door wasn’t locked, because I thought about how they’d call an ambulance or something if they couldn’t get in and maybe think I was cutting myself again, as if I would die from this, it was just what I deserved anyway. Liam had hurt me much more than I could have ever hurt myself, no one was judging him either.

As I heard someone knocking, I expected everyone, just not who it actually was. “Ni? Can I please come in?”

"No." Did he think calling me nicknames helped?! Since when did he want to talk to me anyway, he could just go home and back to Sophia, was he even allowed to be away from her for so long?

Of course, he tried the handle anyway, closing the door behind him as soon as he was inside, unsure of what to do as it seemed because it took some time before I felt the mattress give in a little under his weight.

"I think we need to talk…" NOW? NOW HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME?! "What you said before I… I do love you. A lot."

"No. No you don’t." I hadn’t turned, I was just staring at my wall, with my back towards Liam who sounded pretty guilty, broken, but he had no reason to feel any of this, he couldn’t come here and pretend that last month hadn’t happened. "That’s not how you treat people you love."

"Niall, I…. nothing I have done would ever change the fact that I care about you more than about anybody else." At least he had managed to make me sit up. All this bullshit he was trying to make me believe, what was even wrong with him?

"I don’t think so…" I mumbled, no idea where this had come from, but suddenly I felt really like just spitting it all out, for once in my life, getting rid of everything that I had wanted to tell him for so long.

"It’s true. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted any of this to happen. I’m so sorry." He was staring at me, I felt it, though I was focused on how close his hand had gotten, so I moved into the corner until he let it drop with a sigh. "It’s my fault, isn’t it? Is it because of me? Because of what I have done?"

Agreeing would have hurt him, I knew it, because who liked to be the reason that someone else was mutilating themselves? However that didn’t seem enough, I hadn’t said everything yet but I needed to as long as I was strong enough to talk in a somewhat normal voice, as long as I was determined to at least make him feel some of this pain as well.

"Do you even realize what you have done, Liam? Don’t say yes now, because you don’t. You made me believe that you fucking cared about me, that you would always be there for me, you made me trust you completely just so you can go and walk out of my life like that?! With no fucking explanation?" I was getting really mad now, he probably heard it in my voice, not interrupting even as I suddenly switched from the past to the present, nearly yelling now, finally looking at him. "There is no one that I fucking need more than I need you but you left me! You were always there, always, I thought I could rely on you when you told me all those lies, what is wrong with you?! If you didn’t want to do any of this, if I was too annoying for you or too immature then why did you fucking keep this up, you were just playing with me! But I got it now, Liam, so don’t pretend that you care, you’re only here because you feel guilty, this is not about me, just say it, it’s not because you love me or because you care, you feel like it’s your duty to be here just like you always did. Thank you very much, for all those years of lying, must’ve been hard work, you can go now."

After that I started crying even harder than before, Liam didn’t get up though, he remained seated, tearing up as well, which was completely uncalled-for, HE wasn’t the one who had been left by his best friend, HE wasn’t the one who had gotten hurt like this.

"Nialler…I never lied to you, I promise. You were never annoying me, you’re not too immature for me, I love you, just like you are. There is nothing that I regret more than what I have done to you, trust me, please, just this one time, if I could go back and change it, I would, in a heartbeat." Fucking liar, now he was crying for real, just like me, we weren’t talking, more like yelling the first thoughts at each other that would come to our minds. "Please, believe me, I’m so sorry, you’re my best friend-"

"Just shut up! I don’t believe you anyway! You are everything to me and you left me standing with nothing, I would rather die than put you through the same, SO GO OUT NOW!" That was the point where I completely lost it, Liam winced as I started screaming even louder, trying to push him off my bed, but he was too heavy for me.

"Niall, please stop, just listen to me-"

"NO! I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU DIDN’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME NEITHER, YOU NEVER CALLED ME, YOU IGNORED ME FOR A MONTH, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU CARE!" Really, I didn’t know what I was saying, it all just came crashing down and I was confused because a part of me wanted to hit Liam until he finally left me alone, the dominating part though just wanted him to pull me into his arms, believe every word that he had just said, never letting him go again.

"I do care! I’m not here because I think I have to, I want to, Niall please, that one time when I had no time, I really wanted to see you, I missed you so much, if I had known what you had told the others, I would’ve come to talk to you sooner. I thought you wanted me to leave you alone after what I had done, you never picked up your phone, trust me, I had no idea how badly you were hurting!" He had grabbed my hands, so I would finally stop pushing him, not letting them go even as I tried to get away from him.

"Oh really, well if you missed me so much then I guess you ignored me out of mistake, and accidentally replaced me with Sophia and everyone else, you don’t need me anyway, right?" His face seemed as if he was in pain every time I would get sarcastic. Good.

"None of this is true." We were still holding hands against my will, but he was just so much stronger, no pulling helped to get him to let go, so I just stopped, not returning his squeeze though.

"Then tell me, if what you say is true then why? Why did you promise you would call and never did? Why didn’t you want to see me? Why did I suddenly stop mattering to you if you love me like you said? WHY?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?" That made Liam shut up, he suddenly looked away from me, letting go of my hands carefully, I immediately got back into my corner, legs pressed against my chest. "See, you can’t even tell me that."

"You have done nothing, Ni. Sometimes… sometimes if someone avoids you it’s not because they hate you, but because they want to save you, because you might be better off without them." Now he was speaking in riddles, perfect, that’s what I needed while I was crying my eyes out after everyone had found out that I had cut both my arms because my best friend had decided to abandon me.

"When would I ever be better off without you?" I sniffed, seeing Liam’s face go a bit softer, his hand moved a little until he probably realized that I would only back away from his touches.

"I know it, Niall." What? "I know you like me too much for your own good."

"You…" WHAT?! HE KNEW THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM? WHY? HOW?

"Look, Niall. I’ve realized it a while ago, and Paris has not exactly helped making me think otherwise. But then I came back home and I was worried that I’d hurt you in the end, because suddenly there was Sophia and she would probably understand if we acted like we always had, but it would give you false hopes. I thought if we stopped hanging out so much, you would eventually stop liking me this way. But now I see it’s been the worst thing to do ever, and I’m so sorry. I wanted to keep you from getting hurt and now…" There were tears in his eyes again as he finished, shaking his head slowly, not looking at me but at my arms.

I was speechless, I thought my head would explode if he would say anything else, but of course, I hadn’t exactly been hiding my crush, had I? It didn’t really make things better now that he had told me the reason, it didn’t change the fact that I had had to be without him for this long, that Sophia still existed, that he would probably still not go back to normal but most of all, it didn’t turn back time.

"Do you want me to get one of the others?" I might have nodded to this one, I wasn’t entirely sure afterwards, I was frozen, silent tears streaming down my face as Liam used the chance, leaning over me to press a kiss into my messed up hair. This made me cry even harder, I had wished for this so long, I just wanted him back. "Niall, I really do love you. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t have been able to do that, it hurt me as well, seeing you at the interviews, not being able to be with you. And most of all that I haven”t been there when you needed someone even if I have been the reason in the first place. I know I promised you I’d always be here. I’d promise you again, I just wish you could believe me. I miss you." That had probably been the saddest smile I had ever seen on him, through my blurry vision, I had nothing good enough to say in return, I just watched as he squeezed my hand gently before getting up, walking towards the door.

 

______________________Liam

 

"One of you should probably go in…" It was hard not to cry, I tried to clear my throat quietly, looking at my feet rather than into Zayn’s face. This was too hard, this whole day was just getting worse and worse.

"What happened?" I threw a glance into Niall’s bedroom before answering, Louis was on the bed next to him now hugging him while Niall was crying his shirt wet. Why was Louis allowed to hold him but not me?

"Nothing I… we finally talked this out, you know…" No one knew besides me and Niall, I had felt like I wasn’t really in a position to tell anyone about Niall’s feelings towards me, there had never been a reason to either. The problem was, Niall didn’t know the whole truth and I had no idea how to make him understand.

"What about his arm?" Looking at the damage he had caused himself would probably be the death of me one day. It was MY fault, no one else’s, because of me he had hurt his perfect soft skin, had lied to all of us, spending two weeks by himself to do god knows what. He was only sixteen for Christ’s sake, how had I ever thought I could leave him alone? I had known how much he needed me, it made me shiver to think how many weird noises there had been in his apartment that I hadn’t been able to cuddle away, I hadn’t been there for so many things, it was driving me the fuck insane.

"I don’t know I… I didn’t ask him to show me. He… he did it because of me." Finally, I met Zayn’s eyes, I thought he’d judge me, because I would if I were him, but instead he hugged me.

"I don’t know what happened between you and Niall, but I know that you two need each other. Don’t blame yourself, I’m sure there are reasons you did what you have done." Yeah, they just seemed to be pretty stupid now looking back at everything. I had just fastened everything up, everything that I had been scared that might happen had already happened behind my back. "I’ll go look after him, Harry is in the living room if you wanna talk to him."

All I could do was nod, not checking for Louis and Niall again, it bugged me that I wasn’t the one calming Niall down, that he rather had someone else doing it, that he had backed away from my touch. What if he wanted one of the other’s to stay over night as well, what if they slept in his bed instead of me? I couldn’t even complain or be a bit upset over it, because I had caused this myself.

If Niall would just understand HOW much I loved him, maybe he’d forgive me. But I wouldn’t probably even forgive myself, I had done the worst to him, he meant everything to me and I had managed to completely break him on pure purpose. What had I been thinking?

"You know what I can’t stop thinking about?" Harry nearly made me jump, I had gone to the living room without noticing, I had been looking at the empty walls, thinking about how much time Niall had spent here alone after we had always planned how often I’d come over after he moved in here because he had been worried a little about living alone. There was a reason I only lived about ten minutes away.

"What?" I couldn’t sit down, I was too worked up because of everything unlike Harry, he was still looking at the newspaper article instead of me.

"That day when he said you two hung out and talked about everything, why did I believe him? He could’ve just told me that you didn’t have any time and I would’ve come and ripped your head off. If I had known then I would have forced you two to talk to each other much sooner, but he had this planned out, Liam and I didn’t get it." It was true, Niall had managed to fool everyone just so no one would ever accuse him of doing something like cutting himself or bother him about our ‘fight’. Yeah, I knew about the first night he had spent at Harry’s and Louis’s house, also how they had checked on him later when he had already been asleep, still mumbling my name in his sleep. Those were things that made everything even harder.

"He didn’t want you to get involved, because he thinks that I hate him and that no talking would have helped." All of this had only come out today, when I had gotten a call from Harry, telling me to get over instantly, that’s when he and Louis had showed the pictures to me and Zayn, I had nearly lost my mind, because I couldn’t believe it. I had thought that Niall was somewhat doing okay, because he was always with his cousin or other people or never had any time to pick up his phone. That’s when suddenly Louis had asked if I had noticed something when I had been hanging out with Niall since we had solved the problems between us. Well, and as I had no idea what he was talking about it was clear. Niall had lied and he also wasn’t doing okay at all.

"Sophia wasn’t the only reason for this, was she?" That was the thing, they knew me too well, they knew I’d never let Niall fall because of a girl. I’d never let him fall because of anything ever again.

"No." I answered truthfully, twisting my fingers together, I couldn’t tell Harry, not Niall’s secret nor the one thing that no one else knew about, either way I’d betray him, but I needed his trust back not mess up every non existent chance to ever deserve it again.

"You can’t tell me?" It didn’t seem to disappointed, not even surprised, I wasn’t checking his face though. "If I had to make a guess it would be you realized he’s in love with you." Oh.

"I…I don’t think we should-"

"It’s okay. Everyone knows, Liam. I know that you know, I was just wondering why it suddenly became a problem." And here my explanation was starting to get a little suspicious, I wasn’t lying, I was just leaving out some part.

"It partly is because of Sophia, I realized that you know, if he has to watch me with her, it would only hurt him. And later on as well, I didn’t want him to make himself false hopes. Paris made this even clearer, I had always hoped it would go away, but how could it have gone away when we had always been this close?" It sounded legit to me, but Harry hesitated, finally putting that horrible picture away before catching my eyes with his.

"You look differently at him than you look at her. Always have." One second, this was no answer to what I had just said.

"Well, she’s my girlfr-"

"I meant that, if I didn’t know that she was, I’d think that maybe she’s not the one. If you understand what I mean." This was definitely not the kind of conversation I wanted to have now, he could think whatever he wanted to, but… "But whatever. Niall is more important now." Exactly.

"Yeah. It’s my fault that he… you know…" I pointed at the paper on the table, it luckily was flipped over so now some advertisement was staring at me instead of the picture of a very sad looking Niall with dark circles and an arm that made me want to go back to his room instantly to protect him. But from what? Myself? I had tried that already.

"It’s not your fault, we all know how much you love him, you did it for a reason, which was to save him, you couldn’t have known that he’d react this way." Why was no one yelling at me? I deserved to get yelled at, especially by Niall, even though he had already done that, but it was his good right. Deep down though, I knew that he hadn’t done it because he hated me so much, it was because I had hurt him so badly that he hadn’t known what else to do. That was even worse, it would have been healthier for him to hate me.

"Yes, I should have known. Last year, when I flew over to Ireland for his birthday, remember how he called every single one of you to check whether I was okay because I hadn’t wished him happy birthday? Just because he didn’t want to believe that I had forgotten. Or how he would try and stay up every single night when we went out without him to see whether I was okay even if he nearly always fell asleep with his phone dropped into his face. I know him so well, I know how much he needs me yet I still did this to him." I was nearly starting to cry now, it wasn’t good relieving all those moments, it just showed how much of an asshole I was.

"You just wanted the best for him. Just like he always wants the best for you as well. There’s a reason why everything is gonna be okay, because you can’t go without each other. He will forgive you and you’ll both be fine." How did he manage to sound so convinced? In a situation like this I mean.

"How do you know?" Did he really think that Niall’s crush on me would go away, because otherwise I saw no permanent solution for any of this, after all we’d be stuck together for a few more years. Forever, hopefully, because I couldn’t let Niall out of my sight ever again.

"I just do." Harry smiled slightly, taking the empty space beside me to put his arm around me, rubbing my shoulder a bit. "I’m just glad that you have sorted this out, it was killing me to never be sure whether he was okay or not. But I know you’ll take good care of him now."

I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what, he was talking as if it was a good thing that I was here now, I doubted Niall saw it the same way. How could anyone still believe in me when I had messed up the only thing I had ever been 100% sure about?

We didn’t talk for a while, Harry let go of me after a bit just to lean his head against my shoulder, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket a few times, but I never once took it out. I knew who it was, but I wouldn’t have known what to tell Sophia, I definitely would not tell her the truth. Of course, the pictures of Niall were everywhere, but no one knew about what had caused them and if we were smart we could just sort this out without anything more getting public. We had already talked to our management, who had agreed that we could go and talk to Niall first before anything else happened, but you couldn’t really just ignore it, besides, someone had to talk with his parents as well, he was underaged.

For now though, I was just glad that he was fine and breathing and with Louis and Zayn.

When they came back, I felt a bit uncomfortable over the fact that Niall wasn’t with them, they hadn’t really left him alone, had they?

"He fell asleep." Thank god.

"Did he say anything about his arm? I’m worried if it will get infected or something." Harry left my side to sit closer to Louis, I was worried about Niall’s arm as well, but more about the image I had of him waking up and being all by himself.

"No. We just talked about Liam." Louis looked at me now, his face was softer than I had expected to be honest. "Someone has to stay over night and I dare to say you’d do a very good job at that."

"Niall is mad at me, I don’t know if he wants to have me here, you know, I-"

"We just had to reassure this boy for forty five minutes straight that you still love him, I guess he’d be okay if he woke up and saw you instead of any of us. After all, this is what it’s all been about. You." I knew he hadn’t said it like that because he wanted me to feel even worse, it was just the truth.

"Okay." It probably was a good idea, if I left then I would first of all regret it the second I walked out this door but also, I had just told Niall all of this, how much he meant to me, that I loved him and wanted to turn back time, wouldn’t it be appropriate to be the one to stay? If we’d think back about a month, there wouldn’t have even been a discussion who’d stay. And besides all of this, I wouldn’t have been able to live with the fact that I wasn’t the one staying over night anyway.

"Alright. Our phones are turned on in case anything happens. Even though I doubt that you’re gonna need our help." Why was everyone putting all their faith into me? Yes, I knew Niall the best, I had played his babysitter since day one but I was also the reason why we were even here.

"I hope I won’t." The only case I could imagine was Niall telling me to leave him the fuck alone, also the most likely one, provided he woke up.

"Come on, Li, I know you mean everything to him." They tried to encourage me for a while, cheering me up a bit by telling me that it would be fine, that Niall wouldn’t throw me out or be disappointed that I was the on staying. I don’t know where all of this came from, maybe it was because suddenly I was haunted by the idea that he might never actually forgive me.

I had to live with those worries when they were all gone after some hugging, I could consider myself lucky I had friends like them, I didn’t know what I would have done if anyone besides me would have done something like this to Niall, I’d probably lose my shit, no one was allowed to hurt him ever again, not even he himself.

As soon as I was alone, I didn’t spend much time thinking, I just tried to be quiet as I walked back to Niall’s room, scared that he had already woken up again but the sight forced me to stay in the doorframe for a full minute.

Niall was all snuggled up in his bed, obviously asleep. His cheeks looked a bit red still, probably from all the crying, his hair all messed up making him look two or three years younger, he was clutching a pillow to his chest, holding his phone loosely. There was something wrong with me, how had I ever thought that this had been a good idea, that I could make this face sad instead of happy for every day of the rest of his life. Because that’s everything Niall deserved, only the best.

Before my heart had melted completely I walked to his bed quietly, knowing that it’s not what I was supposed to do but I sat down beside him carefully, stroking his pink cheek with my finger a little before I decided there was no way I’d be able to resist and just pressed my lips to his temple. He mumbled something in his sleep, but nothing else happened and I could have cried.

No one had an idea about how much I had missed this, just going and kissing him randomly, pulling him into my lap to keep him save, even being woken up in the middle of the night so I could make space when he wanted to crawl into my bed, because of bed dreams or spooky houses. Would any of this ever be normal routine for us again?

My eyes fell onto his phone, I gently took it out of his hand without really planning to, just pressing the home button out of interest. Immediately, I wished I hadn’t.

A few weeks ago, he had had this picture of us as his lock screen, cut in a way so his face was outside of the screen and only mine had remained.

Now he had just given up pretending, after all those weeks of not talking properly, he kept a picture of me in Disneyland there, one that he had taken. There was my proof, if I had doubted that he’d be so mad he hated me forever, it was completely gone.

Since I had seen that, I decided to unlock the phone as well, not to read any private message or anything, I just nearly teared up because he had me as his home screen picture as well, now the only thing missing… yeah, I also still was the only person in his phone who had gotten a heart after their name. Why? How could he still love me so much despite everything I had done? I wasn’t worth cutting anything into his skin or lying to his best friends, I wasn’t even worth being forgiven.

It pained me to watch Niall, he seemed so calm now, I had watched him sleeping so many times, whenever I had waited for him to fall asleep first or when he had randomly passed out somewhere, even if he had yelled at me before and cried harder than I could remember, he still looked the same right at this second.

Since I had no idea what I’d wake up to, if Niall would yell at me again or even talk to me at all, I stayed on his bed a bit, carefully placing his hand in my lap and caressing the back of it with my thumb while I stared at him like the biggest creeper ever. He was so perfect, not only the way he looked like, but also as a person, I know that he had been hurting more than me because I had given him no explanation and he hadn’t had any idea at all what I was doing, but it hadn’t exactly been easy for me either.

In fact, I had missed him so much, I might have made up a few lies as well just to get some time for myself, think this through. If we hadn’t found out about what Niall had done to himself I probably would’ve just showed up a week later maximum and begged him for forgiveness.

Sitting here in complete silence that was only interrupted by Niall’s steady breathing really made me realize that there was no way I’d put either of us through something like this again, I’d do anything now to get him to realize that I would never leave him again, anything.

So starting off, I needed things to go back to normal. I had proof that he still loved me and, of course, I loved him as well, maybe even more after being without him so long. That’s why I, instead of sleeping on the couch or on the floor, carefully climbed over him, lifting the blanket a bit to be able to slip underneath with him.

He had slept in my bed more often than in his own probably, maybe that’s why he adjusted automatically to me as I gently put my arm around his waist, pulling him back a little so I felt his back pressing into my stomach slightly. This was a lot better, it was familiar yet somehow made my stomach twist. Even if Niall was still mad at me, I didn’t want to let him go anymore now, so I kissed his cheek, letting my lips rest there a few seconds before lying down, with his hair tickling my face.

Surprisingly, I started to drift off sooner than expected, but everything fell back into place when we were lying like this, when I had Niall’s smell in my nose and was reminded again how perfectly he fit into my arms.

All the shifting had maybe caused the mattress to move a bit too much probably, because when I tried not to think about tomorrow morning, Niall started turning, mumbling something that I couldn’t hear until he repeated himself. “Liam?”

"Yes…?" I carefully answered, not sure whether he really was awake or was even aware that this wasn’t a dream or anything.

He turned around fully, so he could cuddle up into me, just like he used to, it made me hold my breath for a second. “Don’t go away.”

Was this what he was dreaming about at night, he definitely wasn’t fully awake, but it didn’t stop me from pulling him as close to me as possible. “I won’t. I love you.”

 

I opened my eyes to a very confused looking Nialler. It was obvious that he had just woken up as well, because he hadn’t completely pulled out of my arms yet, just staring at me with wide eyes. Okay, well, this wasn’t like I had expected it’d be like. “Niall…” What should I have said? All I did was sitting up on my elbow, my other arm was still loosely resting on Niall’s hip and I knew for sure that I wouldn’t be the one pulling it away.

"What are you doing?" He was whispering, sounding a bit shocked, his voice was still thick from sleep, I could see some pink prints on his cheek from my shirt, he looked so cuddly and small, it just made everything even worse.

"I… I didn’t want to leave you alone after yesterday. I’m sorry if… you didn’t want that. I can go if you’d prefer that." I wouldn’t, I had somehow become obsessed with the idea of making him forgive me even if I was getting onto his nerves. If I just never actually left, what was he gonna do? He didn’t have a car, I could follow him around and hug him every five seconds.

There was no answer, he just looked down at his hands, shrugging slightly, his bottom lip was pushed back and it was about the cutest thing I had ever seen. “Did you sleep in jeans?”

"Oh… yeah." I could’ve taken them off, but it hadn’t really seemed appropriate to do that, however Niall sounded so surprised it nearly made me laugh. There were a lot of things I had nearly done, for example pulling him back down to me and tickling him until his face would finally be back to happy again.

"Wait." Suddenly some life came back into his eyes, I had no idea what he was up to as he suddenly jumped out of bed, I just sat up to watch him going through the messiest closet I had ever seen. Had he just emptied his whole suitcase in there and pushed the doors closed? It seemed like it.

When he came back to me, his face seemed to be a little blushed, but he sat down nonetheless, a bit away from me, handing me over some sweatpants that looked a lot like the ones I had borrowed him some time ago.

"Here. In case you want to change or you know… I found them in my stuff when I was home and I thought I’d give them back to you…" We were both clearly thinking the same thing as our eyes met for a second, Niall pretended he had been staring at the wall behind me quickly before clearing his throat. "I got a shirt from you as well, wait."

"It’s okay, you don’t have to give it to me now." What was he doing? Did he think I was here for that? Or that this would be the last time we’d see each other so now he had to give me all my stuff back?

"Just in case you wanna change." His back was towards me again when he was digging through his clothes again, I relaxed a bit, he was just being thoughtful, nothing more. At least that’s what I thought when he suddenly tensed up, freezing. "Oh."

"What?" This whole situation was strange enough, it got even stranger when Niall ignored me, going back to the bed with glowing cheeks, completely blocking me out while taking his pillow and slipping his hand underneath the cover. Now I understood his ‘Oh.’.

The actual reason why he had stopped searching for my shirt has been because he had remembered that it wasn’t in his closet, it has been in his bed. NOW I was speechless.

Niall tried his best to overplay his embarrassment, he just let the shirt fall into my lap as I didn’t react, trying to quickly get the words out before leaving me alone in his bed. “Here. I’ll go eat breakfast, you can change or so, or use my stuff in the bathroom, whatever.”

Was he really keeping my shirt in his bed, sleeping with it? For how long had he done that? Most importantly, WHY? …Had he missed me that much?

I didn’t find any answers to my questions while staring at Zayn’s graffiti spray on the wall in front of me, this was taking overhand, I felt like with every minute passing we were just revealing more and more things that helped making me feel shittier than the second before, which meant something because I was on a new low. Looking at Niall behaving like this towards me was killing me, as if we hardly knew each other.

That’s why I didn’t even leave him any time to probably sit down in the kitchen, I just changed into my sweatpants because my jeans really were uncomfortable, then I went after him, knowing the way to the kitchen all too well.

"You can keep it." Niall nearly dropped his glass as I walked up behind him, a bit too enthusiastic over my ‘brilliant’ idea. "Sorry, I didn’t wanna scare you."

"It’s okay…" He turned around on his chair slowly, careful not to meet my eyes as he took the shirt I was holding towards him. "Thank you."

"No problem." I had watched his face carefully, there had been a tiny hint of a smile that gave me a little hope despite the fact that he turned around halfway again, but I did notice his hand clenched around my shirt in his lap.

"If you want anything to eat or so… umm… just go ahead." I’d probably throw everything up right onto the table if I put something into my mouth now, my heart was beating too fast for this, I was so desperate to find out what Niall was thinking now, I nearly just blurted out with everything on my mind.

Instead I just thanked him, taking the seat across him and pretending to be reading the back of his orange juice box just to not make him too nervous by staring at him mindlessly. At one point I’d have to speak up though.

So I waited for him to swallow, knowing that he wouldn’t look up from his hands. “I think we… should talk. I mean, if you want to.”

To my surprise, he nodded slowly, sitting up a bit straighter, taking a breath. This wasn’t right, he shouldn’t have been nervous in my presence, he should have been giggly and cuddly and clingy. Like always. “I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday.”

No, no, no. “Niall, you don’t have to apologize at all, if there is one person that doesn’t have to feel sorry, it’s you.”

"But I am. Because I caused this mess just for being so dumb and going outside with my sleeve rolled up." Right, this. I had been so consumed thinking about how much had changed between us, I was nearly leaving the most important things out.

"You’re not dumb. And no one is mad at you for this, we all just want you to be alright, Ni." Right, but he couldn’t be alright because I was a douche.

I got no answer for a while, but I also didn’t dare breaking his silence, he seemed to be thinking about something, tracing the pattern of the table, one hand still around my shirt. The only hope I had left was that he hadn’t thrown me out yet, he hadn’t started crying or yelling up to now either or started accusing me of lying and hating him. At least some kind of start.

"Can I ask you something?" I guess thinking about a time when he hadn’t felt the need to ask me this before talking was no good idea now unless I wanted to depress myself even more.

"Of course." Hearing his voice alone would make it worth it, no matter what he’d say, I was even relieved now that I still remembered all those things about him while I watched his face, how his lips were moving when he talked, how he could never keep his hands still or the nervous habit of biting around on his bottom lip.

"Yesterday…when you told me the reason for…you know, and when you said it doesn’t bother you…does this mean that… I mean, Louis and Zayn said that umm… does this mean we can still be friends?" Oh my god.

"Niall…" This was breaking my heart, now I’d be the one who’d start crying first. "We can always be friends… best friends, if you want to."

"And if we wait a while or so, I mean… if you want to… can it ever be like before?" His voice was nearly a whisper, I couldn’t take it anymore, I didn’t care if he would reject me or think I had gone insane, fuck this.

"Come here, baby." I sounded so weird, I felt I would have to burst out into tears any second, maybe that was part of the reason why his head shot up and not only because of what I had said.

For a second or two, he hesitated, staring at me as I held my arms open a little, tearing up like the idiot I was, then he stood up, walking around the table, immediately wrapping his arms around my neck as I pulled him into my lap, holding him as tight as I thought would be alright with him.

Finally, thank god, finally I was allowed to hold him again, it hit me even harder how much I had missed him now, enough to let my tears spill over. “I love you so much, I’m so sorry, Ni, you have no idea how much I regret this all. Of course it can be like before, babe, right now if you want to.”

"I love you too." He was crying as well, plus his face was buried in between my neck and his arm which made it even harder to understand his voice, I still heard him though, what he chocked out next made me kinda wish otherwise. "Please don’t ever leave me again."

"Look at me, babe." I tried pulling back a bit, but he was desperately clinging to me, no chance of loosening his grip, so let him, rocking him a bit instead, trying to at least get my own tears to stop as I pressed my face into his hair. Please, let him believe me this time. "Ni…"

His face was red and wet as he leaned back just the tiniest bit, just so he’d be able to do what I had asked him to. This sight was horrible, even more since I had been the cause of all of this. “I will never leave you again. Please, I know I have no right to ask you to trust me, but try. I didn’t do any of this because I was trying to hurt you or because you have done anything wrong, I also don’t love you any less or have replaced you. You’re my best friend and that’s never going to change. I’m always gonna be there for you and I’ll do it right this time, I promise.” Then I peppered his face with kisses, catching most of the tears, but new ones kept coming which was not helping me to calm down, I just wanted him to be happy again, nothing else. “Please forgive me.”

For a second I stopped covering every inch of his skin with kisses, that’s when he sniffed, wiping over his eyes a little like a child before he started having a hiccup as well. “Okay.”

"Thank you, this means everything to me." We managed to smile at each other for one second, he was so damn cute when he had a hiccup, I just couldn’t help it, even in a situation like this, when he was still crying, too emotional to stop, but here he was on my lap with his fingers twisted into the back of my shirt as if he was scared I’d get up and never come back, smiling at me.

Niall closed his eyes as I gave him one final kiss onto his forehead, continuing with drying his cheeks with my thumbs a bit, softly stroking them even when I was done, I couldn’t bring myself to stop touching him the whole time, I felt the need to make up for all the lost time and it’s not like he actually minded.

There was still something we needed to talk about, but I didn’t want to bring it up just yet and destroy the peace, so I waited as he put his head down onto my shoulder again. I swear my heart was beating so hard, it surprised me he couldn’t hear it, I felt like a kid on Christmas Morning that pretty much summed up how excited I was, but most of all relieved, for a few minutes there, it was all good and there was nothing that I had kept from Niall, no Sophia, no newspaper articles and no Niall being in love with me.

Unfortunately it didn’t last. “Liam…” His voice was too quiet for this to be the start of a normal sentence, I felt his breath hitting the side of my throat and chills down my spine as he absently played with the hair in my neck. “Does it really not bother you that I… like you this way?”

Did it? At least not the way he thought it did, I had known for a while after all. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. You know… I don’t think I’m even worth it, you’d deserve someone much bet-“

"Don’t. Don’t say that about yourself." Niall sounded so serious about this, it made me stop for a second, how could he still think so many good things about me?

"It’s true though." What if one day he’d decide HE couldn’t take this anymore and leave? I’d have to let him go.

"No." With that he pressed his lips to my cheek out of nowhere before going back into his original position. I was actually kinda glad he didn’t continue to look at me because I felt the blood streaming into my face making this room too hot all of a sudden. He had given me a kiss, he was here on my lap, he let me squeeze him as hard as I wanted to, it meant things were gonna go back to how they used to be, didn’t it?

I kinda gave that answer to myself. “Besides this, I wanted to ask you something else actually…” Without really planning to, I was softly putting my hand on the one arm that wasn’t around my shoulder, feeling the band aids through immediately due to the thin material of his hoodie.

It made Niall shiver slightly, I felt it because he was pressed into me like this, cuddling even closer after what I had said, so I tried to be comforting, holding him tighter, running my fingers through his hair softly. “What?”

"I…would you show me your arm?" Harry’s words from yesterday came back, which had been completely right, I needed to see how deep the cuts were and if we’d have to get them checked or something.

"But it’s gross." Niall whined into my neck, not even attempting to move.

"No, it’s not. I promise you, I just want to see if you’re gonna be okay with leaving them like this. Please?" I really had no right to ask him that if we’re being completely honest, but I needed to check whether he would be okay, see how much of an asshole I really was. This was my fault after all, I should be aware of what I had caused.

"But Liam…" His arm dropped now, he wrapped it around my waist instead, so tight it almost hurt.

"What, babe?" It was so relieving to call him whatever I wanted, kiss him whenever I felt like it.

"What if…" That kind of voice couldn’t mean anything good, he almost seemed embarrassed as he hesitated before bringing the last words out in a whisper. "What if the photo doesn’t show everything?"

Well, that changed things, a lot, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse… “What doesn’t it show?”

"My… second arm." BOTH ARMS?! "And…"

"And?" Now I was whispering as well, what the hell had he done?!

"My hip." You know what, I was about to jump up and tear his clothes off just to be sure he wasn’t keeping something else from me, but instead I just inhaled quietly, trying to remain calm for him.

"Niall, listen. It’s gonna be okay again, alright? I won’t judge you, I won’t think it’s gross, I just want to take care of you." And preferably without starting to cry, he must’ve notice how tight I had both my arms wrapped around him by now, the thought of leaving him out of my sight or letting him go even for one second was scaring me. Could I just move in? Oh wait… my girlfriend…

"But…don’t yell at me. Please, I didn’t want this, I don’t know…. I didn’t know what I was doing…Please don’t be mad." The fact that I had left him once obviously made him think that every single thing could make me do it twice, so he was pleading me quietly while I was speechless.

"Niall, shsh. I’m not gonna get mad, no matter what you did, I won’t yell, babes." I was feeling way too crappy and too sorry for him, did he really think I’d manage to turn his face even sadder or worse, risk being the cause of his tears again?

"Okay…" Niall sniffed quietly, snuggling into me for a few more seconds before he sat back, his face was still a bit red, but it definitely looked better now, not so much that I felt it would be okay to stop cuddling him, but better. "I’ll show you in the bathroom, okay?"

"Alright." Forcing my voice to sound soft, I brushed some hair out of his forehead, getting a shy smile in return before he slowly moved out of my lap to stand back up, immediately reaching out for my hand. This was just not getting any easier, the loss of his weight almost scared me, I was at least as eager to hold his hand as he seemed to be when he shoved his fingers through mine. As if I’d get lost on the way. Or run off, that was more the way he was thinking.

Niall was extremely nervous, his hand was slightly shaking in mine, so I tried to make him relax a bit, showing him that it was okay by occasionally pressing a kiss into his still pretty messy hair, rubbing my thumb along his, it didn’t really help though, he was still shivering as we entered the bathroom, maybe even more than in the beginning.

"Hey, Niall." He looked up, teary eyes again, I had a feeling this wouldn’t be the last day we’d have to deal with all of this. "It’s alright, okay? I love you, no matter what." As he nodded slowly, I smiled, bringing his hand up to my lips. "And I always will."

"I love you too…" Unlike me, he had a hard time speaking again, however he slowly let go of me, fixing some point behind me before starting to take his hoodie off while I held my breath, expecting anything by this point.

Turned out I hadn’t been prepared for this.

If we looked at it from Niall’s point of view, he had been so extremely lucky that they had gotten this arm instead of the other into the papers. But I wasn’t Niall, compared to the picture, reality looked ten times worse. Not only because his band aids had been leaking or because I saw every cut that he had made but because I watched how his chest moved too fast, how skinny and soft he really was, so breakable and vulnerable with those red lines nearly jumping at me in contrast to his extremely pale skin. It was so real.

My eyes stayed too long on his arms, it was only the inside of the one that the whole word had seen but it seemed like the only reason for that was that he had run out of space on the other. At least there was nothing above his elbow, but it seemed like it wouldn’t have mattered because I doubted that all of this would ever heal or fade.

The cuts on his hips were covered up, but when he started pulling all of his band aids off, they turned out to be the deepest. Which was the only positive side, if there was one, I was a bit calmer to see he hadn’t used such amount of pressure where it could’ve killed him. Even though ‘calm’ was somehow the wrong word, just a tiny bit less freaked out.

Still, it left me speechless for good five minutes or more, I couldn’t believe it, I was just standing there like an idiot, not being able to look into his face just once even though I knew that he was getting uncomfortable but I was waiting to wake up from this until his voice got me back.

"I told you it’s gross." And there was so much disappointment in that statement that I felt my heart breaking. It had only been one sentence but what I heard was ‘See, Liam, you keep promising me things and you never keep them anyway, I thought you told me that it would be okay but now here you are staring at me as if I was a monster.’.

Maybe that’s why I took another step forward, limiting the distance between us to only a few centimeters before going down onto my knees. “No, you could never be gross, Ni.” So I softly pressed my lips onto his hipbone, on top of the one cut that had started to heal, I didn’t want to hurt him after all. He backed away from my touch a bit, gasping, but I kept him close by his hand. “And if anyone ever tells you that I’ll kill them.” I continued with the kisses all over both his arms, only choosing the cuts that looked like they weren’t too sensitive for any kind of touches even if I was extremely gentle, I wouldn’t be the reason to cause him even more pain. Lastly, I stood back up, seeing his shocked face didn’t stop me from kissing his forehead before pulling him into a hug, he was half naked after all and it was cold. “Thank you, Niall, for showing me. I’ll put some band aids back on, okay?”

"If you… want to." He choked out, he looked like he had cried a little as I pulled back, but now he only seemed shocked.

"Of course I do, sit down here. Careful." As I made him sit down on the edge of the bathtub, he nearly slipped because he didn’t once take his eyes off of me, probably trying to figure out what I had just done. The only right thing, trying to convince him that he wasn’t gross or had to be sorry for anything at all, because he was just a baby and everything that had happened was entirely my fault.

Niall didn’t talk as I got band aids, somehow wishing I had something to disinfect the cuts as well, but they didn’t look infected or anything, so I hoped that covering up the ones that were still slightly open or too deep to leave like that would be alright.

Everything provided he wouldn’t create new ones, of course. I knew that he had been cutting because of me, but the problem was not out of the world completely, of course we could manage to go back to normal, that didn’t change the fact that I had a girlfriend he was jealous of. Besides, if self destructive behavior could be healed just like that it wouldn’t be such a serious topic, would it.

"You want to put your hoodie back on?" As soon as I was done, I sat down besides him, wrapping my arm around his waist as he let his head fall against my shoulder. I really had no idea what he was thinking of me right now, I took it as a positive sign that he hadn’t started crying or told me to stop touching him.

"No. I have to go change anyway." He sounded so tired, I looked down just to catch him rubbing his eye like a toddler, yawning slightly. Was it too much saying he looked like a little puppy because he did.

"So sleepy, hm?" I breathed out slightly after kissing the top of his head, my face still buried in his hair, which made Niall move closer into me until I wrapped my second arm around him as well, trying to keep him warm.

"Thank you for doing this before." His lips were touching my shirt, I could feel his breath through the material when he talked, giving me a slight stomach twist out of nowhere.

"I’d do anything for you, okay? Besides I am the one who caused this." The reason why I couldn’t stop myself from saying it was because I couldn’t get it out of my head, it was always bugging me whenever I thought about that maybe things might be okay again soon.

"Liam. It’s not your fault, you told me it was because you were trying to keep me from getting hurt, and I believe you. The way I dealt with it has nothing to do with you, you’re here now, that’s all that matters." It sounded so mature and so honest that I got a lump in my throat, how did he manage to say those things and mean them after showing me how much I had hurt him?

"I still wish none of this would’ve happened." Niall got a bit heavier, I think it was because he was getting sleepier, so I cradled him closer to my chest, not lifting my cheek off of his head. "Come on, you should go put some clothes on before you get a cold or so."

He didn’t move one inch, holding onto me tighter if anything before speaking up in a quiet and sad sounding voice. “Do you have to leave soon?”

"No, I don’t. You just have to tell me when I should go or-"

"Don’t. Just don’t go then." How could one person be so cute and perfect, I didn’t get it, he was so so, grateful that I’d stay for longer it made me go completely soft even if I didn’t deserve it.

"Okay. How about you go change so you’ll be warmer and then we can do whatever you want, watch a movie or something, anything." It didn’t matter, I should have called Sophia back, tell her where I was, after all I had just left her standing yesterday, but I didn’t care anymore when Niall looked up at me, with the biggest smile I had seen on him ever since I had told him we would be going to Paris together. He needed me here so badly, and I needed to be here as well, anything besides his happiness didn’t matter to me at that moment, no responsibilities or girlfriends, just Niall.

"That sounds like a good idea." From there on, the depressed mood somehow disappeared, Niall pulled me back to his room, of course holding my hand again, he didn’t want to do anything without me as it seemed. Exactly my plan.

Also, my idea about the movie seemed to cheer him up more than anything else probably could’ve. I knew why, because it involved no one else besides us, maybe also because I saw him sitting on the couch and said ‘That’s no way to watch a movie, Niall’, so then we ended up with blankets, food, Niall lying across my lap or sometimes moving so he was completely on top of me, any way we never stopped touching or cuddling.

I texted both Louis and Sophia when I felt like Niall wouldn’t be sad if I took out my phone, I should’ve probably checked a bit earlier, because even though the others had somehow trusted me completely to make this work without asking or calling me one million times what was up, my girlfriend had.

She had seen the photo as well, of course, so I thought it’d be enough to tell her I was with Niall and that he needed me, I mean, if she got jealous then I didn’t really care.

All Louis wanted to know was whether it’d be okay if he and the other two came over later so we could talk about what we were gonna do because of Niall cutting, I was a bit scared to tell Niall that, but all he did was hugging my arm and agreeing, saying that he didn’t mind anyone coming over as long as I wouldn’t leave.

I admit it, that did make me think a little, like, I couldn’t just stay here forever. And this shouldn’t mean that I didn’t want to, I just had no idea how to manage everything without hurting anyone or making someone false hopes. That’s why I decided to at least stay a few days here with Niall, see what would happen because of the newspaper thing, but looking down at his face while I thought this through made it very hard to think about having to leave him alone again or with any of the others at some point.

 

A few weeks passed by, Niall had no other choice but go talk to a therapist for a while, it was all public, he was underaged, besides his parents freaked out but he never told anyone the reason, he made up lies that clearly didn’t make any sense at all, just to save me from being blamed. I mean no one was allowed to talk about it in interviews anyway, but it wouldn’t have put me into a good light if everyone in our crew and management knew what had happened between us, that he was like, in love with me. I had a feeling Louis and Zayn knew it as well though, Harry was obvious because we had had this talk that night, but they never brought it up to me ever again, they just seemed to be as happy as I was to see Niall happy.

Besides that, Niall and me were practically glued to each other, the others didn’t mind at all, and Sophia had no choice but to go with it. Of course, I still spent time with here alone, but I spent more nights with Niall than with her or alone.

Somehow all of us were scared to leave him alone, especially me, whenever I was busy, I’d make sure one of the others or his friends, whoever, would be with him even if I preferred to be the one taking care of him, texting him constantly, even on dates. The only reason why I was getting away with this all was because Sophia seemed to start caring about him as well, it was extremely hard not to when every time he came over to my place when she was there as well he’d be this bubbly, excited puppy, laughing about everything and cracking jokes. Within a week she had gotten used to how close we were, it was usual behavior for me to give him kisses, stuff like that, but she said that she was starting to see him as my little brother, that it was cute how much I took care of him.

You know what, I didn’t see him as my little brother at all, but I shut my mouth and nodded, because what reason could I have told her instead.

 

"Are you seriously going to walk?" Zayn stared outside before his eyes went back to me, raising an eyebrow. "It’s like, ice-cold and snowing or raining, I’m not sure, maybe both."

"If we wait for someone to drive us we’re gonna need forever." Niall threw in out of nowhere, but I was used to him sneaking up behind me and wrapping his arms around my stomach, leaning his head against my arm, I usually didn’t have to check who it was before intertwining his fingers with mine, leaving him no choice but to keep hugging me.

"Forever, Zayn." I repeated Niall, to make it clearer even though he couldn’t really have misheard it. "And we need to get home because we have to watch this movie later."

"And by home you mean…?" Maybe Zayn thought we had moved in together without him noticing, because our words only seemed to confuse him.

"My place." Actually we hadn’t decided whose place, it’s just that now that we’d have to walk home from the interview mine was closer. Ten minutes, but that counted.

"What is Niall’s apartment then?" It REALLY seemed to confuse him.

"The same. It’s just, my place is nearer today." You’d think he had understood by now that it didn’t matter where we went to because I had forgotten half my stuff at Niall’s place and vise versa. Besides he loved to wear my clothes as well, so there basically was no difference anymore, we both also had keys for the other’s front door after all.

"Okay, whatever, I don’t get it anyway. Make sure you use the back door, there’s liken ten million girls blocking the other one." I doubted that it were millions, however Zayn waved us goodbye, going back to probably wait with Louis and Harry until they’d find a way to get away from here without either getting soaked or being stuck in traffic for hours. Obviously, Niall hated waiting and I didn’t care as much about the movie as about cuddling up with Niall and napping because I hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. So we had no other choice but to walk.

"You have enough jackets to make it home alive?" It wasn’t a joke even if it sounded like it, but Niall’s health and happiness were the biggest concern in my life right now. Actually, not only right now.

"I’ll be okay. I could put on the beanie with the cat ears that this girl gave me before." Though he laughed, this gave me some brilliant ideas.

"That’s actually a great idea, come here." Actually he was already here, because he had been clinging to me like a koala up to now, not that I’d complain, if he hadn’t done that than I probably would have.

"But Liam." His giggle was adorable as I pulled the beanie over his head, watching so he’d still see something and that his hair wouldn’t bother him. Just like expected, he looked so cute I was about to pinch his cheeks.

"Okay, now we can go." It made me happy to see him like this, returning my smile with his dimples showing, trust me, if I would’ve had more time, maybe I would’ve kissed them. Instead, I just held my hand out towards him, it wasn’t anything I spent a thought on, there were billions of pictures of us holding hands and cuddling, no one thought anything of it anymore. They’d be more worried if it stopped.

And still, Niall’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, it always did, he was so grateful to hold my hand, it nearly hurt how little he expected.

"It’s actually really cold." We had had to go look for the back door a bit before trying our best to get away from the building, there was hardly anyone on the streets anyway, Niall was right, it was cold, besides I felt we’d be drenched within a few minutes.

I looked down at him, seeing that I had forgotten something. “Close your jacket.”

"Oh, right." Before he could even attempt to, I had let go of his hand to do it for him quickly, I was panicking at the thought of him getting sick again. See where my need to baby him came from?

"How can you forget that?" Niall just giggled and shrugged, I felt him shove his fingers into mine as soon as he could, so I pulled him along, fastening my steps a bit because his face looked worriedly red, especially his nose, I’m not gonna say it wasn’t cute, because it was.

"I don’t know, I was more worried about having to get a picture taken with this beanie on." In reality it didn’t bother him at all, the smile never left his face besides he had not once tried to take it off, it’s not like I was forcing him, I was just enjoying the sight.

"But it suits you, it makes you look like a real kitten." My kitten. But that didn’t leave my mouth, I just smiled stupidly and inappropriately to myself.

"Meow." At first, Niall was the only one laughing about himself, way too hard, maybe my confused face was part of his amusement as well, or he just really cracked himself up hard.

"You’re so stupid, Ni." I chuckled, mostly because of the sounds he was making while laughing, pressing a kiss onto his beanie which was now wet from all the rain or snow, reminding me to walk a bit faster.

"Maybe I am. But it was your idea to walk home when it has minus degree and there’s a snowstorm about to come, so…" He was walking closer now, I think I heard him chatter with his teeth a little, so I let go of his hand carefully, wrapping my arm around his shoulders instead to share some warmth.

"That depends on the way you look at it, I think it’s kinda christmasy outside." If you ignored the dark sky and the fact that there was only mud instead of snow and actually I hadn’t thought of Christmas at all by now.

"It’s November." Niall threw in, but he laughed before getting all serious again. "I’ll have to get an Advent calendar."

"I’ll get you one, then it’s a surprise." Mostly I said it because I wanted to buy him one, but then I saw his face which made it even better. Right after that I realized that I probably shouldn’t have said that at all, the last time I had gotten him a surprise we ended up not speaking, however Niall’s mood couldn’t have been better at this point so I relaxed again. As much as you can relax when your clothes are practically sticking to your body and you feel like you’re getting numb.

Even though we kind of got lost on the way, we made it home at last, I had started doubting my idea after Niall’s lips had gotten blue, but it had been too late to get back, at least we were home now.

"Take your clothes off." I had been serious but Niall looked a little shocked before laughing.

"Don’t you want to take me on a date first?" Even his giggle sounded weird as he continued to shiver, damn it, I should’ve given him my jacket as well.

"Come on, you’ll get sick." He obeyed, letting me help take everything off until all he was wearing was his boxers and his shirt, which was wet as well, I just didn’t know whether he would be okay with taking it off or not. Seeing the way he got goose bumps all over his body, that’d be a good idea. "I think you should take your shirt off, too. And maybe go lie in bed."

"Wait what?" Now I was laughing as well, but I didn’t want to leave him standing here even longer so pulled him to my bedroom meanwhile. Nothing I was planning on doing now would make me seem any less strange, but I promise, I just wanted to help him get warm.

"You can also go take a shower instead." While saying this, I held my blanket open for him, getting a little colder myself now, after all my clothes were drenched as well, but Niall came first.

He had stopped laughing now, checking me face before letting his shirt drop and doing what I had asked him to. I felt relieved as I got a quick glimpse on both his hip and his arms, the cuts were healing, there weren’t any new ones as far as I could tell. The last time I had checked had been a week ago, I didn’t like getting onto his nerves with it, but sometimes I got really worried.

The situation didn’t get any less strange when I took my clothes off as well, the thing was, I was too tired to go shower or get myself something to put on, besides body heat was warming the best wasn’t it? And Niall could really need it.

"What are you doing?" It almost made me laugh, because he sounded and looked so extremely surprised when I got in bed besides him, only with boxers on as well and pulled him towards me softly.

"I’m warming you up. But if you don’t want to, just tell me." I stopped, waiting what he’d do, I wouldn’t force him of course, if he said I should go, I would. Anything he wanted. Even if it would hurt a little, I was used to him wanting to be close to me, it wouldn’t feel right if we behaved like we probably should have.

Within two seconds Niall made my doubts disappear, he nearly fell into my arms, I have to admit, it did feel new to be snuggled underneath the blanket, like this, I mean, with only two pieces of cloth in between and Niall’s bare chest pressed against mine. I could feel how quick his breath was going, but it didn’t stop me from pulling him into me tighter, kissing his shoulder.

We were lying face to face, with his damp hair tickling my forehead, my arm around his waist, rubbing hopefully comforting circles into his back with my palm and Niall shy at first about where to put his hands or if he was allowed to touch his legs with mine. He was, this was just like before, only with a little less clothes, no big deal. Or so.

"Niall, it’s okay, don’t blush." Or maybe that was still because it had been so cold outside, I pulled him a little closer.

"I’m not blushing." There went the tension, I couldn’t help but laugh as he pouted, because he definitely WAS blushing, so Niall joined slowly before moving closer towards me and making all boundaries disappear by burying his face in my chest.

"Yes, you are …" I mumbled into his hair, feeling him press a kiss onto my skin just beneath my throat, this wasn’t supposed to make me feel any of the things I did, I held him tighter, in an attempt to keep him from leaning back now and see my face, because he wasn’t the only one with pink cheeks now.

"Sht." Clearly, he was embarrassed, since I understood him just too good, I let him be.

We didn’t speak for a while, the official reason for why we had had to leave so early was forgotten, I could watch movies whenever I wanted to, but this moment right here would pass, and I wouldn’t be the one causing it. Niall’s skin was so pale compared to mine, I loved the contrast, and the way his breath hit my throat or how he got more confident as time passed by, returning my kisses now, even if his were a lot lower than mine, causing me a few slight shivers. Something I knew how to make him feel as well by simply cuddling closer into him, which was hardly possible, or gently drawing patterns onto his skin. I was both amazed by how beautiful he was but also by the things he caused me to feel, so much protectiveness over him but also jealousy at the thought that anyone else would ever hold him like this. And the thing was, this feeling wasn’t exactly something I noticed for the first time.

"Are you warm enough?" I was whispering, partly because I didn’t want to scare him, partly because I didn’t trust myself to speak louder.

"Yeah…" Even though we should have probably gotten used to being this close, I still felt Niall’s heartbeat speeding up a little, because we were pressed together like this, it was the most perfect thing I had ever felt.

"And… are you okay?" The reason why I was asking was because I was desperate for him to wanna make this last as long as possible.

"Of course." He nearly purred when I started playing with the soft hair behind his hair, completely relaxed now.

Despite everything, the fact that I had tried to make myself believe that this was like cuddling with your best friend, I couldn’t help suddenly thinking about how fucking intimidate this was, and the fact that Niall had confessed to me that he was in love with me, most of all, I shouldn’t have enjoyed any of this.

The problem was, I did.

I liked how he only wanted me and no one else, how he would have just spent every second of the day with me if I asked him to and the fact that we had been acting like this since forever, none of it had changed. Only that at some point, sometime last year around his birthday, I had watched him a little closer. I remember thinking that I hadn’t noticed how all this time had gone by and he was already turning fifteen. There was this premiere, where we were all wearing suits, and Niall had grown so much, it nearly took my breath away. Though he was still behaving like the little boy from earlier sometimes, he sure as hell didn’t look like him anymore.

And that was the thing, you’re not supposed to treat someone like your little brother just so a few years later he comes out in a suit and tie and you stand there with your mouth nearly dropping open. It was just not right. That was the other reason for my behavior after Paris that Niall had no idea about.

The whole purpose had not only been to get his feelings towards me to fade a little, but also to get mine towards him to go away and stop growing with every night I woke up with him next to me.

I had never failed so dramatically in my whole life.

"Niall…" It’s not a lie if you don’t mention something is it?

"What?" He sounded both sleepy but somehow wide awake, I didn’t know what to think anymore.

"Look at me." As he followed my almost demand, he seemed confused, but I ignored it, watching his face closely, noticing all the things I only knew because I had spent so much time with him since he had been thirteen. He still looked younger than a sixteen year old usually did, however compared to a year ago, there was such a huge difference it made me worry what would happen in let’s say, two more years. I had thought he looked grown up last year, today was even worse, I felt as if locking my thoughts away would only get harder.

"Why are you staring at me?" A good question considered I was both smiling but also nearly tearing up, Niall seemed to be worried, we were still pressed ridiculously close to each other, only that I had moved my hand from behind his ear into his face, just stroking various parts softly. The only thing on my mind was, I was the only one allowed to do that.

"Because I love you." Of course, I had told him so many times, it wasn’t good enough anymore to make him understand. "And I’m so glad you’re here with me."

"Are you getting emotional now?" Niall chuckled for a second to overplay his nervousness, blushed as hell, just so he nearly choked when I placed a kiss on his cheekbone, maybe leaving my lips there for a bit longer that usually.

"No, I’m not." The fact that I was still touching him while whispering made him shiver noticeably, something that encouraged me slightly to cover the rest of his gorgeous face with kisses as well.

"Liam, what-" A few seconds before he had been giggling, obviously enjoying how my fingers were digging into his hip now to keep him close and how my lips were all over his face, but I put an end to that when I kissed the corner of his mouth. "I’m so sorry!"

"It wasn’t your fault, it’s okay." What a stupid mistake of me, really. "Provided it’s okay for you… is it?"

"Umm… yeah… of course…you know that." He added shyly, probably thinking that I’d just go back to cuddling him now, that I had asked just to see whether he would feel weird now, but no.

There were a lot of things on my mind that second, but it for sure didn’t involve anyone else than Niall. This kiss could have easily be seen as mistake, but I had done it on pure purpose and now I was hooked.

Before Niall looked up from nervously keeping his eyes down, I took his chin between my thumb and forefinger gently, holding it in place before doing what I had tried not to think about for a year now. Pressing my lips onto his.

He gasped into my mouth, but I didn’t let him back off just yet, if he had really wanted to, I would’ve, but I knew it was because he was surprised, maybe even thinking it had been a mistake again. I can reassure everyone, it wasn’t.

For a few seconds, Niall obviously didn’t know what he should do, the fact that his mouth was open slightly gave me easy game to try and see if he was okay with deepening the kiss. He was.

All I remember was that I was seeing stars when he kissed me back harder than expected, a tiny noise escaped him as I made him lie down on his back with me on top of him, his arms finding their way around my neck, slightly pulling at my hair, but it felt good, just like everything else.

We were just staying like this, pressed together half naked, never parting our lips from each other. I couldn’t believe it, that I had managed to not do this for so long, I felt I’d have to die if he pulled away now. Luckily, Niall made not attempts to, if anything he pulled me even closer, not complaining when my hands moved all over his body, down his sides, stroking his cheeks and his arms, I just needed to live this moment to the fullest.

Kissing him was the most mind blowing thing I had ever felt, which meant something because… well, I’ve had girlfriends before and stuff.

But with Niall, it was different, because I knew him so well, I knew his habits and his moods, how he liked his tea, the music he listened to, everything you could know about someone and now I was kissing him, and it was perfect, just like everything else, our tongues moved together in sync, I figured out just the right angel to tilt my head, there would’ve been nothing in the world to make it better.

As we pulled apart, Niall was panting heavily beneath me, trying to catch his breath, but I didn’t stop, I kissed down his neck, open mouth kisses to his collar bones, staying a little longer in one place whenever I heard him gasp for air again, his fingers still hadn’t stopped pulling my hair.

When I attempted to go even lower, Niall stopped me. “Wait, Liam. Wait.” I looked up to see his flushed cheeks and swollen lips, confusion was written across his face but also the hint of a smile. “What did you just do?”

"Well, I think I kissed you." Speaking of that, I reconnected our lips again just like that, he seemed as if he would protest, but then he went with it for a few seconds before moving his head to the side a little, just so he could whisper while our foreheads were pressed together.

"What’s that supposed to mean, I-"

"I love you, Niall. I really do. And I have for quite a while." I didn’t know how to make him understand or how this should go on, however I also didn’t care in this moment, I just wanted him, everything that he’d feel okay with giving me.

"But… but why didn’t you say anything, what’s with Sophia, I don’t understand." Now I sighed, leaning back a little so we could look at each other, he was right, what WAS with Sophia?

"Listen to me, I’m gonna tell you something and I want to ask you to not get mad. Please?" If he left now I’d probably kill myself.

"Okay, I’ll try." Niall seemed so nervous, I tried to be comforting by smiling a little, pressing another kiss onto his lips.

"When I told you that… that I was trying to keep away from you because I was scared to hurt you because of how you feel about me, I didn’t tell you the entire story. The truth is that I was trying to ignore my feelings for you since the longest time and… you know, you’ve always been my little brother, and one day I looked at you and you weren’t. It’s just… it didn’t feel alright to see you like that. But it got worse over time and … I don’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you." If I were him, I’d probably punch me in the face now and push me off onto the floor, but instead, he started biting around on his bottom lip, completely ignoring half of the stuff I had said and going right at it.

"So… do you love me?" I could tell he was preparing himself for a different answer than he hoped for, it was killing me to think about how often I had disappointed him by now, that’s why I didn’t hesitate to answer.

"Yes. I love you so much you have no idea." And I shouldn’t have, but I did.

"But… Sophia…" It came out so sad, it broke my heart, like, what was I even doing again? Now I was kissing him and doing what I had tried to avoid in the first place, giving him false hopes and yet staring down at him, softly running my thumb along his bottom lip, all I wanted to do was kiss him again and block the rest of the world out, not think for just a bit.

"Niall… I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. All I know is that I love you and I wanna be with you, but I’m scared because what if something happens? What if we can’t even be friends anymore afterwards? I can’t lose you, we’ve always been so close I don’t even know if this is okay… I mean… it felt so strange because that’s obviously not how you feel about your brother, I… I mean you’re not, but I thought so and… " It was hard, putting all my worries into words because there were so many things that could go wrong and for once in my life I had nothing left to say to him, I just stared at him, wishing he’d understand me without words like he always did, or maybe come up with a solution for this mess.

There was only one thing Niall was really interested in as it seemed, since he brought it up for the third time now, not commenting on anything else. “Do you even love her?”

"I… I like her. As a friend. I thought if I, you know… if we were together for a while maybe I’d get over my feelings for you and start falling for her. But no…" Wow, had I just really confessed to him that I was lying to my own girlfriend because of him? Well, technically I wasn’t lying, I did love her, as a friend.

At least one person seemed to be satisfied, it was so ridiculous how Niall’s mood got lifted up by that, how this was just simply enough for him right now, hearing me say that I loved him more than I loved anyone else in the world even if I had also practically told him that we couldn’t be together. “Li…if I ask you something now, can we pretend, for just tonight, that she doesn’t exist and that we can just move on afterwards without it being awkward or anything? Please?”

My head was screaming no, but I saw his face, how sad he looked yet excited as well and his eyes full of love, I was nodding before I even thought of the consequences. “Okay.”

"Kiss me again?" So that’s what I did.

It was a lot messier than before, because I had proof he wanted me to but also because I was desperate, I didn’t know what I was doing and Niall kissed me back with just as much want as I felt.

Somewhere in between the blanket fell off the bed unnoticed, I was running my hand over Niall’s side not thinking as I slightly pulled at his boxers but he didn’t stop me, he just held onto my shoulders tighter, as if to tell me it was okay.

I parted my lips from his, just so I could kiss down his neck again, not so gentle anymore, but I wasn’t hurting him, I never could’ve, the fact alone that I had access to all of this made me extra careful, I’d treasure every inch of his body.

"Liam…" That unwilling breathy moan did it for me, Niall was tilting his head back to give me more room, however somewhere in the back of my mind I noticed that a love bite wouldn’t help us, so I went deeper instead, wanting to be the cause of more of those sounds.

I let my mouth wander over his soft chest, smiling slightly as his back arched off the bed a little whenever I used my tongue softly or let my breath ghost over his nipples, it turned me on more than expected to see him squirming and moaning underneath me as I reached his tummy, being extra gentle with the healing cuts.

"Niall…" I tried to get him to look at me, stroking his pretty pink cheeks a little until his eyes flattered open, maybe to check why I had stopped with the kisses. "Is this really okay, yeah?"

"Yes, Liam…of course. I love you." His voice was so soft it gave me chills down my spine, there was nothing in the world mattering to me more than making sure all he felt was pleasure.

"I love you too." This time, I think he finally believed me, because he smiled the most gorgeous smile, reaching out with one arm to pull me down again, reconnecting our lips, while his free hand wandered up and down my chest, so slowly, as if he couldn’t believe I let him do that.

I didn’t part from him, not as he started moaning into my mouth as I went for his boxers again, pulling them down now completely as he lifted his hips off the bed to help me before lying down on top of him again, with so little clothes in between now it nearly made Niall hiss, I had a hard time holding back as well though, thinking about how we both nearly were completely naked.

It was obvious Niall was getting impatient, because he moved around under me, thrusting our hips together and causing my mouth to slip off of his as we both moaned. God, how the hell did he manage to make me feel like this?

"Do something, Liam, please." That was when I hesitated a little, not because I didn’t want to, trust me, as I looked into his face, with his eyes shut desperately, sweat glistering on his forehead, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than this, but because if I did, there’d be no way back to change it anymore. "Please."

"Relax, Niall, I got you." I watched him closely, pressing a few kisses onto his closed eyelids and cheeks while moving my hand down his chest again, more slowly now, massaging around his thighs then, making them tremble.

"Stop fucking teasing me." It nearly caused me to laugh, he was so desperate for my touch, he nearly got mad at me, so without further questions, I just wrapped my hand around his length at the same time as I shut his mouth again with my mine.

As expected, he moaned even louder than before now, not even able to kiss me back properly, he was a freaking mess already with only two or three slow moves of my wrist. It was amazing, knowing that I was the reason why he was making those loud sounds, that he only wanted me doing this and no one else in the world.

"Okay?" I asked, just to be completely sure, even if it was obvious that this was more than just okay, I felt his fingernails digging into the back of my neck, his other hand holding onto my free one desperately, pressing it to the side of his face.

"Y-Yes, Li… you c-can - aaah … g-go f-faster…" Instead of doing so, I let go of him for a second, f he just had time for one short horrified gasp before he saw me spitting into my hand, going right back to getting him off, a little easier now that my palm was wetter.

"You have no idea how beautiful you look right now, Nialler." It was true, I don’t think I had ever felt so much love for him than in this moment, it nearly made me tear up to be honest.

His answer was just a moan as I pressed my thumb to his slit, knowing that he was so close, confusing me even more as he suddenly opened his eyes again, letting go of my neck to stop my hand instead, holding it in his and bringing it back up a little, I let him, even if it confused him, but I’d never do something against his will. “Wait.”

"What’s wrong, babe?" Somehow I knew it, I just didn’t think that it could be real.

"I don’t wanna be the only one enjoying this." He had to catch his breath a little, but he smiled, turning his head to press a kiss into my palm that was still flat against his cheek.

"What-" Before I could bring the dumbest question out I had ever asked him, he pulled me down, so his mouth was so close to my ear, I could feel his lips move as he whispered.

"I want you. Completely." It still came unexpected somehow, Niall kissed my ear before allowing me to lean back a little, staring down at him in disbelieve which didn’t seem to bother him at all.

"Niall I…" The problem was that, you know… I kinda knew that he was a virgin besides… "I’ve never… umm… had sex with a… a guy…"

"Please, Liam, please let’s try. I just want you and no one else." I believed him, absolutely and the problem was I only wanted him and no one else as well, something that wouldn’t change no matter how many girls I dated without really loving them.

"I don’t wanna hurt you." It would kill me to see this face in pain, Niall was completely serious with his wish while I had some doubts as I rubbed my thumb along his temple, leaning down to give him a quick kiss.

"It’ll be okay, it just hurts for a second then it’ll be amazing. Please, just try." His words put pictures into my head that made my boxers even smaller than they already were, he was so completely captured with his idea, breaking down my protest.

"You have to tell me immediately if I have to stop, alright? Promise me." Because I had a feeling that he wouldn’t, just so he’d get what he wanted in the end.

"I promise. Please." He hadn’t even taken one second to think about it, his eyes were sparkling as I nodded slowly, letting go of him as I sat up to open my bedside table. It’s not that I was unequipped for stuff like this, I just hadn’t thought he’d be the first person I’d sleep with in this bed. First and hopefully last, that’s what I hoped, but as soon as I did, I quickly tried to focus on something else.

"Try to relax. I have no idea how much it will hurt." I moved between his legs again slowly, parting them a little more, I think I was even more nervous than him, because I wanted this as well, so badly, but I was so fucking scared at the same time.

"It’s gonna be okay, because I love you no matter what." This was the first he was reassuring me that he loved me, not the other way around, I looked up, calming down a bit as our eyes met and he smiled softly. Maybe he was right.

"I love you too, baby." With a final kiss onto his left knee, I opened the container of lube, my hands were still slightly shaky, but I tried to appear comforting to Niall, so I rubbed his tummy a bit, trying to make him relax.

Turned out my methods didn’t quite work out, he tensed up terribly after one finger inside, I stopped even if he hadn’t asked me to, leaving him a few seconds to adjust.

"Go on." Not even now he doubted his idea, feeling so much discomfort, he still told me to continue, but I didn’t, because I didn’t want him to only feel pain while I was doing this. That’s why I hesitated a bit as I looked up into his scrunched up face before kissing the tip of his erection, making him moan in surprise. "Holy shit, Li, just please go on now!"

It worked better now, at least I thought so, he was being distracted with my mouth and tongue, not so much focused on the pain anymore even if he still looked slightly in pain as I started to move three fingers. That was until I experimented a little, moving them upwards and and hitting his prostate nearly made him cum right there.

"Stop! If you do this one more time… I can’t … please, I want you so badly, Liam. I need you." His voice sounded as if he was about to cry, I pulled my fingers out carefully even if I wasn’t sure if three fingers had been enough preparation but Niall wasn’t the only one losing his mind at this point. In fact, I nearly dropped the lube now because I was so nervous but at the same time I couldn’t wait.

As I was about to finally take my boxers off as well, Niall sat up, stopping me without saying anything and pulling them off for me before simply taking the lube out of my hands, making my breath go faster as I got what he was about to do. Before I was able to even say one word, he had shut me up with his lips, pulling himself closer. At first, we just kissed, not careful anymore, it was just plain want now with lots of heavy breathing in between that turned even louder as I suddenly felt Niall’s hand around my length, covering it in lube. I tried my best not to break the kiss, but holy shit, I had never felt this good in my whole life.

"You gotta stop, babe…" My mouth was still nearly touching his, I moaned slightly against his lips before he understood. "Lie back down." I softly kissed his collar bone, reaching out for my drawer again.

"No. Do it without a condom, please, I want to feel you." It was dumb somehow, however he obviously wasn’t a girl and we both were healthy so I obeyed, partly also because I didn’t want his voice to sound so sad and broken, I just wanted to do what would make him feel good.

"Okay." It had definitely been too long since we kissed, so I made sure to do that while he got onto his back again, leaning onto my elbow while I spread his legs further apart with my other hand, taking time to caress the insides a little. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, god damn it." He smiled while saying this, trying to get me to kiss him again, but I first lined myself up, both hands on either side of his face.

"Niall, I know it’s your first time, I just wanna make sure it goes exactly like you want it to." Our foreheads were touching while I whispered, kissing his nose and both his cheeks afterwards, he was panting slightly, because I was nearly pressing into him, just waiting for his okay.

"There is no person in the world I’d rather have doing this and there never will be. So yes, this is exactly how I want it to go." It sounded so completely convincing, I pecked his lips quickly, feeling his breath against my skin while he waited with closed eyes again, looking like an angel.

"Okay. Whenever you say stop, we will stop." Just to make sure he knew, then I finally took a quiet breath before pushing into him slowly.

It went better than before, Niall did catch his breath one time, but he told me to just go on, so I did, carefully, even if it took everything in me I had to not just go faster, but Niall had both his arms wrapped around my neck, keeping our foreheads pressed together, clinging to me desperately. He was trusting me completely and I wouldn’t disappoint or hurt him, I could hold back if I tried hard enough.

"Are you okay, Ni?" Being inside him completely felt amazing, I couldn’t believe it, all I wanted was for him to feel the same. We were pressed together, my hips flush against his, skin slightly sticky because of the sweat, feeling each other breathe. Just this was hard to live up to.

"Yes…" His voice was quiet, I opened my eyes, leaning back a tiny bit to see a tear roll down his cheek, oh god, what had I done?!

"Baby, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you? You should’ve told me, I can pull out-"

"No, no. It’s not the pain it’s just…" Niall took a breath while I made sure to dry his face, planting a few kisses onto his forehead, still worried even if he denied that it had been my fault. "I just love you so much and I never thought this would happen."

"Ni…" I couldn’t promise anything, but I desperately wanted to. Really. "I love you too, I love you so much, you feel so amazing right now, nothing can compare to this moment, I swear to god. I don’t know what will happen, but I promise I just want you to be okay."

He nodded slowly, searching for my eyes before pulling me in for a kiss, leaning away afterwards just enough so he could talk right before going back to kissing me. “You can move.”

I went slow at first, trying my best to keep it down, but Niall soon tightened his arms, kissing me harder as he hooked one leg around mine.

Soon, my lips slipped from his, I still kept my eyes closed and our noses pressed together, but it was almost impossible to keep our moans in. Everything was Niall at this point, I didn’t think anymore, I was just desperate to make this as good for him as it was for me, so I moved one hand down between our bodies, using only the other to keep my weight up a little, wrapping it around his erection again that was rubbing up between our stomaches, wet with pre cum now.

"Oh god, Li…just like this… " His moans would’ve been heard by the neighbors if he had them, but I was privileged enough to be only person in the world to hear them right next to my ear.

"I know, babe…" I felt it was okay to go a bit faster, moving my hand in time with my thrusts while Niall held me so tight, it would’ve hurt if I had noticed, but I didn’t, I opened my eyes when I felt him clench around me, to look at his face as he came into my hand, still with my name on his lips, eyes pressed shut.

Seeing him like this plus feeling it did it for me as well, I buried my face in the crook of his neck, finishing off with one last, sloppy thrust before reaching my high as well.

I was speechless afterwards, just remaining like this, not pulling out for a bit while Niall had his arms wrapped around me, protectively almost, kissing my hair a few times as we tried to catch our breaths. His chest was moving against mine so perfectly it nearly made me cry, he was everything to me, this had just been the most perfect moment of my life and yet I still had no idea what I was even doing.

"Liam?" Niall was whispering, I felt his fingers playing with my hair, giving him a kiss right where his pulse was before leaning up on my elbow to watch him.

"Yes?" We were both sweaty, both panting, Niall’s hair was a mess, half stuck to his forehead, but he looked perfect.

"Was this a one time thing?" This was the point where my self hate came back, because I wanted to say no, I wanted to tell him that I would tell Sophia I was breaking up with her, that I’d be here for whenever he needed me, every day, not matter at what time, that it would be alright. But I couldn’t.

"Niall I… I love you. Please believe me, because it’s true. I just… I don’t know if this is alright. I don’t regret it, this has been amazing, YOU are amazing, I just don’t want to risk losing you, do you understand that? I need you in my life, you are the most important thing to me, I don’t want to ruin it. Or ruin us." Because after all, I had known for a while, that I was in love with him, that the feeling was mutual even if Niall had never told me and I had never once made attempts to make something out of it. Not because I didn’t want to, but because he had been so young, he needed me to be his big brother and be there when some girl or boy broke his heart. Not being the one breaking it. Because what’d we do if our relationship didn’t work out? I didn’t want to risk it or even think about it, we needed each other, we couldn’t throw it away because of something like this.

"I do understand. I … like I said before I just wanted to forget this… for tonight… I don’t expect you to do anything at all, okay? I take whatever you’re willing to give me." That was even worse. He was practically allowing me to do anything I wanted while he would just wait.

"I really love you, I love you so fucking much and I just keep hurting you." It was hard not to cry, because Niall was being so understanding and sweet and I didn’t deserve him at all. I just wanted the best for him, I just didn’t believe that it was me. That was something I couldn’t tell him, because I knew that he’d protest even if I was right.

"It’s okay, Liam, I trust you." That was the worst he could’ve told me, because I didn’t deserve to be trusted either, I had fucking cheated on my girlfriend right now and I didn’t even feel guilty, I was just making plans on how to keep this from everyone, on how to live with myself after tonight and how I should keep away from Niall when we spend every day together, when I knew how fucking much he wanted me and I wanted him in return god damn it.

"You know…to answer your question… I…" Could I really say this without wanting to kill myself? "I wouldn’t mind if this doesn’t stay a one time thing."

He just smiled, cuddling into my hand as I started brushing the hair out of his forehead with my clean hand, placing a soft kiss on his still swollen lips.

"I’ll clean us up, alright?" I didn’t want to leave him just yet, but we were both starting to get cold, so I pulled out slowly, making sure to distract him with lots of kisses before getting a tissue. Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if we would’ve gotten my bed dirty even if I hadn’t had sex with Sophia, not here and not at her place, so she’d know that something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure whether I’d ever be able to spend the night with her again. Maybe I should have just told her, it would be the right thing to do anyway.

None of us felt like going showering or doing anything besides cuddling underneath my blanket after I had gotten it, pulling Niall as close possible after lying back down. We also didn’t get dressed because it didn’t matter, besides I liked how he felt against me and how I was able to touch him without a piece of cloth bothering me.

"Do you have to be anywhere tomorrow?" Niall was cuddled into the crook of my neck, enjoying how I brushed his hair gently with my fingers, bringing our intertwined hands to my lips to kiss his knuckles.

"No…why?" It sounded as if he was already asleep, it was so cute when he was sleepy, I just wanted to cuddle him and never let go.

"We could uuhmm… stay here or… go eat something, you know … whatever you want or-"

"Okay." I heard the smile in his voice which made me happy as well, we could just pretend for one more day, I wouldn’t have to lie to anyone tomorrow, just Niall and me.

"You should go to sleep, baby." He yawned slightly, making me even more protective, so I pulled him closer, burying my face in his fluffily hair. The way he smelled always made me calm down, we fell asleep together so often, I nearly had problems doing it alone by now.

"Can I get a goodnight kiss?" Aww, it almost sounded shy as he leaned his elbow on my chest to look at my face, his cheeks were slightly flushed as far as I could tell in complete darkness.

"Come here." As our lips met, I felt the same tingles in my stomach I had noticed the first time earlier today, I couldn’t live on knowing I’d have to keep myself away from him, I had to find a solution for this.

 

"Do you really have to go?" Niall was being whiny, it didn’t help me that he was making such a sad face, because I didn’t want to go anyway.

It wasn’t exactly my definition of a good night going out with my girlfriend, who, by the way had no idea I had been cheating on her not once, not twice, not even three, but FOUR times in the past eleven days, well, provided we didn’t count kissing because then it’d be up to five thousand.

"You know I don’t want to, it’s just… her birthday." Yeah, and a party where everyone would expect me to act like you would if you were dating someone.

I had been able to find excuses over excuses the past few days, saying that I needed to record something, interviews, band stuff, all that.

In reality, me and Niall hadn’t been apart for more than maybe a few hours. The day after… you know, we had tried to keep it together for not even fifty minutes until I screwed everything and told myself I could just kiss him like last night, just once, then we’d go back to normal.

I’ve been telling myself that since then.

"Can’t she have her birthday on some other day…" Needless to say, Niall was being jealous that I hadn’t told Sophia or broken up, it’s just, I needed my by now fake relationship to be able to look into the mirror and not face reality which was that I wanted to be with Niall forever. And not as friends.

"Hey, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Besides I don’t have to leave just yet." It didn’t make him smile, so I pulled him into my arms, kissing his forehead softly. "I’m sorry."

"It’s okay…" He was holding me too tight for it to even be remotely ‘okay’, this hurt me because, I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want any of this, and he was suffering but he couldn’t say something because we weren’t officially dating, he knew how I was looking at the whole thing, besides he had told me that he’d be fine with whatever I decided. Didn’t seem like it anymore.

"No, it’s not." But what could I have done? If I broke up then I would be tempted even more to give in, maybe it’s what he wanted right now, but I was trying to look ahead…. wow, all my thoughts were just dumb.

"I love you." He just let the topic drop, snuggling even further into me which automatically made me feel worse.

"I love you too." Did he even believe me that? I probably wouldn’t anymore. "Go back to the others, I’ll be there in a second, okay?"

"Hm, okay." With a final squeeze, he let go of me, obviously not wanting to, but then he left me alone in Harry’s and Louis’ kitchen, which allowed me to splash some water into my face.

I had no idea how long I’d be able to play this game anymore, every day I woke up next to Niall, seeing how much he loved me and how badly I was hurting him. What I was doing was even worse than what I had done before, all because of my little self control and lack of ability to make decisions. At some point I HAD to choose one way, either accept the fact that I would never get over him and risk destroying our friendship or stop all of this immediately just because I was a coward. After all that had happened I wasn’t sure if option two even existed anymore, obviously I would not forget how it was like to kiss him and have sex with him.

Thinking of the sad look on his face, I quickly texted Sophia, telling her I’d be late because we had to discuss something. The only thing we’d be discussing was which movie we watched or which game to play, this was not the song writing meeting I had made up, this was simply hanging out at Louis’s and Harry’s place because we hadn’t been together for a while. Perfect timing to be honest, it meant Niall wouldn’t be alone later, something that would have been a reason for me to not go to the party.

When I got back to where the others were, Harry and Zayn were playing Fifa or something, getting way too into it, but I ignored them, catching Louis’ eyes. He seemed as if he was judging me for something, well it was not hard to guess what that was, especially not when he looked at Niall, who looked like a kicked puppy.

Niall and me weren’t exactly hiding anything, we weren’t kissing each other in front of anyone or making it too obvious, but it was clear that we were closer than we had ever been. Since everyone knew that Niall was in love with me, his sad face didn’t stay unnoticed today.

I didn’t hesitate, I just walked over to him, falling into the empty space with my arm around his shoulder. None of us talked, I was still aware of Louis’ stare, but I was too stubborn to return it, like, he had no idea what was going on, he couldn’t have helped me anyway. No one could have, this was my own problem that I had created.

"When you come back, can you sleep over at my place?" The original plan had been I’d only stay as long as I had to and come back here, because Zayn and Niall were supposed to stay over night since it wouldn’t make sense to drive home at night when we were all practically living in each other’s apartments, but it seemed that Niall would rather be alone with me.

"What if you fall asleep?" I shouldn’t have said that, now he’d try and stay up no matter at what cost.

"I won’t." There was nothing left for me to say that would have made him change his mind, he simply leaned against me, reaching out for my free hand, playing with my fingers.

"Alright." Even if everyone could have watched me, I kissed the top of his head, sighing slightly because of how his mood had dropped ever since I had told him where I’d have to go today.

It wasn’t that big of a deal though, yes, I’d have to kiss her, but that was it, Niall wouldn’t have to watch us, there wouldn’t be any pictures he’d have to feel like looking up (something I had caught him doing, but never talked about), you wouldn’t think that he could get this jealous. But obviously he did.

"Ni?" We had been whispering the whole time, even if the sound of the TV was probably meant to make us all deaf, I stayed quiet, I couldn’t need Louis hearing what I was saying, it was enough that he was able to watch us and my pathetic tries to cheer Niall up.

"What?" There, he sounded both pissed and sad, his head was still on my shoulder so I leaned my cheek against it, there was no way he’d agree to look up.

"Are you gonna go home for Christmas?" No idea why I was thinking about this now, it’s just, I had been wanting to ask him for a while so I figured I might as well do it now to distract him a little.

"I don’t know yet. Why?" The sudden change of topic seemed to confuse him, I smiled a little, still watching the TV without actually thinking about it.

"Do you want to stay here? With me?" Just us. Thinking about it alone made me feel all weird, but in a good way, I didn’t need anyone else besides him.

Like expected, Niall did lift his head now so I was forced to sit up more straight as well, his face didn’t look as if he was attending a funeral anymore, that was a start, but it still wasn’t as happy as I wanted him to be. “Really?”

"Yeah, of course." Finally, there was my favorite smile again, it was ridiculous what I’d do to make sure he was okay, I mean it was in my interest as well, but seeing how excited he got, how his eyes were sparkling was worth telling my parents I couldn’t make it.

"Yes, I want to, of course. That’s gonna be so great." Just then, he leaned forward, nearly forgetting where we were, there were about two centimeters between our lips, my heart nearly stopped because I already saw it coming, how he’d kiss me and the other three probably watching us in exact that moment.

Louis saved me, on purpose or not, but he cleared his throat very noticeable, making Niall jump and nearly fall off the couch if I hadn’t been holding him. but I never took my eyes off of Niall to see whether it had just been coincidence. Something told me it was not.

"Sorry." Niall breathed, obviously not so nervous about this as I was. Well, I knew very well that he wouldn’t mind kissing in front of everyone else and probably telling them about what had been going on for nearly two weeks, he just held back because of me. How the hell would they react if they knew what I was doing? They hadn’t blamed me last time, because I had had a good reason, right now though I was just making one mistake after the other.

"It’s fine, Ni. Come here." Just so he wouldn’t noticed how panicked I suddenly was, I pulled him into my lap, holding on so tight he had no chance to get a glimpse of my face. If anything, this was determined to all go wrong.

I stayed for about another hour, Niall nearly fell asleep on me a few times, but I nudged him gently whenever I felt he’d pass out, so he just pressed his face tighter into my neck, not wanting to let me go. This was hard, I nearly stayed after all, but at one point I’d have to see Sophia again, I was starting to feel guilty. It wasn’t her fault that I was a liar and cheated on her with Niall who was a victim as well because I didn’t want to get it into my head that it was too late anyway.

"Baby… I need to go." Niall sighed quietly but he moved out of my lap to my surprise, after giving me a small kiss on my throat.

"Leaving already, Liam?" I had practically ignored everyone else, deep in thoughts while they had been playing video games, so when I looked over, all of them were trying to not make it too obvious that they were watching us, mostly Niall, who, by the way was now curled up on the couch all by himself as I stood up. Shit.

"Yeah… I’ll be back later." As soon as I could.

For a second, I thought Niall would just stay there and pout now, but as I took about two steps towards the front door, he jumped up to come after me, just making up a unnecessary excuse. “I forgot my phone in my jacket.”

I’m not sure but I think I heard someone mumble ‘Yeah, sure…’, however I didn’t turn to check and risk meeting any of their judging faces again, I tried my best to smile at Niall even if he barely looked at me as long as we were still in sight.

However as soon as I was done putting on my shoes, he threw himself at me, making me bump against the door as he pressed his mouth onto mine, so hard I felt as if he was slicing up my lips with his teeth.

"Ni- wait, I-" He didn’t let me finish, actually he was using the chance that I talked to slip his tongue into my mouth, nearly tearing up my shirt in the back.

Even if this was highly dangerous, making out like this with only one wall between us and the others, I gave in, pulling him closer by his waist so I could feel his belt pressing into my skin almost painfully, but I didn’t back away. He should at least know how much I needed him before I went away to leave him worrying.

As soon as we ran out of oxygen, I opened my mouth to ask what this had been about even if I knew, but Niall was faster, he pecked my lips one more time before resting his forehead against mine, our breath mixing as we tried to calm down.

What he said then nearly made me cry. “Just so you don’t forget who you really belong to.”

 

It was so cold outside, I caught myself thinking it’d be a blessing to catch a cold now, because I’d have so many excuses why I couldn’t go anywhere else besides staying inside with Niall, it was ridiculous. Well, not as much as my way of looking at things had gotten.

Actually, Sophia didn’t live that far away from here, I just took my time before ringing the door bell, at least ten minutes of just staring at my phone, thinking about either texting Niall or just turning on my heels to go back and get him.

But I had other responsibilities besides him even if I sometimes tried to block them out.

"Liam!" And before I actually got to think about how I should tell my girlfriend that I had such a bad cold I didn’t want to infect her, she was already kissing me, not as eager as Niall had before, but too inappropriate for a crowded place like this. Which wasn’t even my problem, the music was loud, everyone seemed wasted, no one even looked at us, but it felt SO wrong I nearly pushed her away out of shock of not feeling Niall’s lips instead.

"Hi, babe. Happy birthday." She was clinging to me, obviously a little tipsy, so I had a good excuse why I didn’t want to continue kissing her.

"It’s been so long since we’ve seen us, if I didn’t know better I’d say you found someone else." Then she laughed too loud while I felt myself tensing up. Oh god, why was I here?

"Yeah, of course." I joked, praying that she couldn’t hear the guilt or the tiny hint of truth in my words.

"As if you could be cheating without the whole world finding out." Oh, well I could tell you a story about that… "Next time I’ll make an appointment."

"I’m sorry, I was just really busy." That wasn’t even a lie.

Sophia just laughed, it was obvious that I was the only one taking this situation serious, maybe, if she had been completely sober, she would’ve noticed that something was wrong, I had to become a better actor. “It’s fine, Liam, besides, you can all make it up tonight.”

Wait… “What?”

"Shh, it’s a surprise." She giggled in a way that made me feel very, very uncomfortable, pulling me along by my hand past about fifty or more people who all seemed to be having ten times more fun that I should have had. This couldn’t lead to anything good, I needed to tell her, I couldn’t continue like this. But breaking up on her birthday? Not a good idea.

My worries about how to tell her that I was cheating on here with my baby bandmate who I had claimed was my little brother disappeared immediately when I realized she was heading for her room, pulling me inside and locking up after us immediately. Oh no.

"Hey, listen I-"

"Shut up, Liam." Hardly any noise from outside came through, it made this all even harder for me as she shut my mouth with hers, pressing me up against the door, just like Niall had not even thirty minutes before, the fact alone that I was doing this made me feel more guilty than I had after sleeping with Niall for the first time. What the fuck was I doing.

"Wait, please- One second-" Every time I got her to back away a little, she was trying to kiss me again, successful most of the time, so I used the chance that she was trying to pull me to her bed by pushing her backwards. Not coming after her like she expected, but just standing there.

"What are you waiting for?" It almost sounded annoyed, but at least she sat up, not pulling me down with her.

"I… I can’t do this now." Or ever.

"It’s my birthday." My words didn’t impress her at all, so I sighed, sitting down as well, but with some distance, just in case.

"Yes, but… look, it’s unexpected, like-"

"Unexpected? We are dating since almost two months, Liam. Do you want us to get married before we have sex?" MARRIED?!

"No, I…. " I had no arguments at all, I was just staring at my feet, trying not to let those tears escape at the thought of what Niall would do if I did actually sleep with her. Not that I was planning on doing that, no, I was an asshole, but not such a big one. Besides, it would feel nothing but wrong. I just wanted Niall.

"Then what’s the problem? You’re not a virgin, are you?" Oh god, where was this talk even going.

"No, I’m not… I’m just… not the type to go and have sex with someone after such little time." I rather waited three years but only if we act like I’m your big brother.

"Not the type? Oh come on, I don’t believe you." She really didn’t get it, my eyes got wide as I saw her standing up, not believing that she actually would do it, but yes, she took of her shirt, throwing it somewhere I didn’t see. "Are you the type now?"

"What the hell are you doing, put your clothes back on!" Who did she think I was, no meant fucking no.

"What if I don’t?" I couldn’t tell anymore whether she was really so drunk she didn’t notice what she was doing anymore or if she just really wanted to sleep with me, however I didn’t exactly care anymore either as she attempted to get her bra off, that’s when I jumped up in horror, holding both of her wrists.

"Stop." Luckily, I was way stronger, so no pulling helped, even as she got angry, I didn’t let go, I was terrified of what she’d do next. "We are not going to have sex tonight."

"What is even wrong with you?! We don’t see each other for almost two weeks and then you come and treat me like this on my fucking birthday! Ever since the thing with Niall you’re more in a relationship with him than with me!" That’s when I let her go, out of shock, but luckily she went to go put something on while I was just standing there, speechless. "You know what, Liam, I don’t know why he cut himself because you never tell me anything at all, but I do know that you have to stop babying him like this, he is sixteen years old."

"He needs me…" I mumbled, not really sure what to say, she was just speaking my worst fears here, actually, more screaming them into my face.

"He’s crushing on you so bad I’m starting to wonder why he hasn’t killed me in my sleep yet." Oh…. "If you haven’t noticed then you’re really dumb, sorry."

"Sophia, I…" Yeah WHAT?

"Look, Liam. I know he needs you, but as I said, he’s sixteen, sixteen year old’s have crushes and then they go away and have a crush on someone else. He needs you now, but one day he’s going to grow up out of this. One day this is gonna stop, you can’t forever jump whenever he says one word." In some points, she was right here.

It was part of my problem, why I hadn’t broken up with her yet to make it official with Niall, because yeah, what if we were dating now but in a few years maybe he starts seeing that he could have someone way better than me, that I had just been a mistake when he had been younger? And if that happened, everything would be broken, not only our relationship but also our friendship, and I’d lose him, just like that. I really believed him, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me, but I was scared, that he’d cut me out of his life at some point and that I’d have to trust someone else in taking care of him. Why would he want to spend the rest of his life with me, he deserved so much better, he needed me more as a best friend than a boyfriend.

Before I could think of something to reply that wouldn’t give away that I loved Niall just as much as he loved me, my phone ringing broke through the silence, Sophia sighed but sat down, giving me permission to pick up.

Which I would have done anyway, because it was Louis. “Yes?”

"Liam, sorry if I’m interrupting you while doing… stuff." He was judging me so hard right now, I almost felt it. "But when are you gonna come back?"

"I don’t know, why?" This was not about what I wanted, because if it was I wouldn’t have even been here.

"Because Niall is on the edge of crying the whole time and trying to make us believe it’s because some fan wrote him a really touching message which is obviously a lie." No, please, this couldn’t be real anymore.

"I’ll be there as soon as I can." Sophia made a face as if she couldn’t believe I had just said that, but I ignored her.

"Alright, I’ll wait for you outside. Bye." He hung up on me, it had sounded like a threat to be honest, but I was more scared of what Sophia might say to me next than getting yelled at by Louis.

"Are you being serious? You’re leaving now? Why?!" She jumped up again, furious. "If you just say his name I’m going to kill you."

"I… I’m not gonna say it then…" I could have made up a lie, you know, but she would have noticed, besides I was sick of lying.

"You are insane. Just go, and don’t you dare come crawling back before you have decided who you really want." With those words, she rushed past me to unlock the door, shoving me through before throwing it shut right after me.

I should have tried the handle, trying to sort this out, but I found myself pushing past people instead, heading for the front door.

Her words still stuck with me though, it seemed ridiculous to be thinking this way, to let this influence me so much. No relationship had guarantee to last until eternity, you wouldn’t die after someone broke up with you. But Niall meant everything to me, and if I had to risk losing him, I’d rather just have his friendship than nothing at all. I just didn’t want to believe it, that I had been stupid enough to kiss him, have sex with him, when I hadn’t even decided on what to do, when I hadn’t even fully gotten over the fact that I had fallen for someone who had been my little brother for so long. When I knew exactly how he took everything out on himself.

Of course, it took me longer to get back, a lot longer, I was already imaging Louis’ different plans to kill me in the most painful way when the taxi stopped, to my discomfort. I didn’t want to get out, I was being a coward again.

When I walked up the stairs, I somehow had hopes that I could just go inside, get Niall and leave, but they got crushed as soon as I heard a voice.

"Finally." That didn’t sound welcoming.

"Sorry, there was traffic. Besides I had to explain Sophia why I just had to leave out of nowhere." It didn’t sound right, it sounded as if I had wanted to stay when in reality I was just tired and wanted Niall.

"Well, I thought since Niall and you hardly spend a second without each other, it would be alright to call you up when he’s inside crying over you." Louis was sitting on the stairs, right next to his front door, he didn’t look as mad at me as he sounded, maybe he was just really worried. So was I.

"I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave him alone, I just…" I couldn’t talk on without spilling secrets, so I just let myself drop next to him, not expecting him to just let me go inside.

"Can I ask you a serious question?" Was there any way to not make him ask me? No. So I just nodded, blankly staring at the wall with nothing on my mind than Niall crying not even ten meters away from me. "Are you not aware of how much he loves you?"

"Isn’t everyone?" Not even Sophia had failed to notice it.

"Then why are you doing this to him? I understand what you have been trying to achieve as you ignored him, because you didn’t want to make him watch you and Sophia, because you wanted to stop this before he’d get hurt even worse because of his feelings. But what is this now? You’re hanging out more than ever, you spend every night with him. You’ve always been close, I know, but not like this." It must’ve looked so wrong from everyone’s perspective, but if he knew the truth he wouldn’t think any better of me either.

"I… I hurt him so much before, I can’t leave him again." I would have rather died than putting Niall through this again.

"You are hurting him already. Every time you walk away, every time you leave him for Sophia. It’s not gonna get better, Liam." This made me really mad, I don’t know, it’s just, I didn’t know what everyone expected me to do.

"Then what should I do? Tell me, please, because I don’t know, I’m not gonna go and let him slice his whole arm up again. Do you think he means nothing to me? That I could just go and not care what happens or miss him? I need him just as much as he needs me!" The last sentence had been wrong, I didn’t notice what I had said, I just jumped up, ready to leave Louis alone outside with his bizarre thoughts that didn’t help me at all.

"Wait, you-" I should have listened, remembered how he had nearly seen me and Niall kissing, maybe then I would have realized what had just made him look up in shock.

But I didn’t, because I thought it’d just be another speech about how much of a terrible person I was, I already knew that too well, so I just opened the door, letting it fall shut behind me. Not as loud as I had wanted to, because I was kinda hoping Niall had fallen asleep meanwhile, that he wasn’t up worrying about what I was doing with Sophia.

He was. At least Zayn and Harry hadn’t left him alone, they were both in the living room with him, obviously trying to cheer him up a little, I didn’t say anything at first, I was just trying to be quiet when I heard Niall speaking up, oblivious to the fact that I could hear him as well.

"I’m not even sad because of Liam, I told you it’s because this girl-"

"Niall, you don’t have to lie. Look, Liam’s gonna be back in no time, you’ll see." I saw the problem here, none of them had an idea why Niall was really on the edge of crying, it wasn’t because he missed me so much, maybe that too, but mostly he was scared what I would do while I was gone, plus he was jealous as hell.

"Yeah… but when?" The last words broke my heart, they were just quiet and sad, I couldn’t stay quiet any longer, so I made sure to walk a bit louder before I noticed they might have thought it was Louis.

"Ni?" Almost immediately, his head turned, his cheeks were all flushed, eyes red and watery, again, because of no other reason than me.

"You’re back already?!" Obviously Louis hadn’t told him that he would call me, even if Zayn and Harry shared a look, Niall seemed to be both confused but also as if he had a hard time not jumping at me as I walked around the couch.

"Yeah… it was pretty boring. They all were drunk." I couldn’t tell him what had really happened, he knew part of my reasons why we couldn’t be together in my opinion, but not everything, and who was I to got tell him that Sophia had tried to get me to have sex with her?

As I got down in front of him, the other two made sure to disappear, not even saying one word, for which I was thankful as I kissed Niall’s knee through his jeans, before looking up at him, seeing how much he was fighting with his words, sniffing in between. “So… you’re not going away anymore tonight?”

"No, not without you." Seeing him now made it hard to believe that I had actually managed to leave him, I loved him so much I couldn’t believe you could have such strong feelings towards someone. "Why were you crying, babe? Everything alright?"

Niall just shrugged slightly before leaning forward a little, stretching his arms out. I knew what he wanted, so I made him stand up with me as he hugged me tightly, making sure he wouldn’t fall down as he wrapped his legs around my waist. This worked, because he was so light and skinny, but also because I was so much taller than him. “I missed you.”

"I missed you too, baby, so much." He sniffed slightly, face buried in my neck as I pressed my lips onto his shoulder, holding him tightly so I wouldn’t let him drop. "I’m sorry." It didn’t make me feel better, not at all.

"It’s okay…" If he said this one more time I would completely lose my shit, why couldn’t he yell at me instead, that would’ve helped me more than his sweet, caring voice in which everything I did was alright for him.

"You wanna go home?" Because I did, away from all of this, just him and me.

"Yeah…" Instead of doing so, we remained like this for a bit, I moved around a little, appreciating the fact that I was allowed to hold him like this despite everything I had done, his fingers in my shirt, hair tickling my cheek, and most of all, his smell and familiar feeling of his body pressed into mine.

As I opened my eyes after kissing the side of his head, I saw Louis over Niall’s shoulder, shaking his head a little, not in disapproval, but as if he simply couldn’t believe something. Probably the fact that a person could be as cruel as me.

"Come on then, let’s leave." I warned Niall, so I could put him down carefully, making sure he was alright as I wiped his cheeks tenderly, trying to make him smile a little by simply leaning forward and rubbing my nose against his, even if I was well aware that everyone could have watched me.

It worked, Niall giggled, making me smile automatically whenever he was behaving like this, when his nose scrunched up a little and I could see his dimples, it made it very hard to imagine that he had been sad a few seconds before.

"Guys, we’re leaving." I just threw it into the room while guiding Niall to the door, past Louis, who held my arm for a second, making me look at him without saying something. Really, I had no idea anymore what he expected me to do, he didn’t even seem mad.

"I’ll… see you, I guess." Since we were in a band, that would be recommendable.

"Sure." His behavior was just confusing me, at least he made Niall laugh a bit, by pulling him close for a second and poking his tummy.

No one was really in the mood for anything, even though they all hugged me as well as Niall, I felt so guilty and judged it was killing me. I wished I could have told them, made them understand that this wasn’t as easy as it might have seemed, but I didn’t know.

"Ni, wait, it’s cold." I had waited until we had closed the door behind us to stop him, slowly moving my hand out of his to unzip my jacket.

"No, leave it on." He was practically wearing nothing, I’d survive being cold for a while for him, he was slightly shaking already and we weren’t even fully outside.

"I insist on it, here." Not really convinced, Niall let me help putting my too big jacket on him, closing it before grabbing his hand again. "Better?"

"Yeah… but now you will be cold." I loved it when he was worried about me, not that I liked to see him worry, I just loved when he cared.

"No, that’s okay, as long as you are warm." There was a moment where I thought he’d just leave it like that, but then he got onto his tip toes, trying to reach my lips, however his kiss only hit my jaw which made me laugh. "Aww, someone’s too small."

"Be quiet, I won’t give you kisses anymore then." Maybe he wanted to walk away from me, but I was holding his hand too tight, so that was impossible.

"But I love your kisses." Immediately after hearing this, he stopped pouting, pretending to lean closer to me before simply smirking.

"Well, that’s too bad for you then, I guess." The fact that I hadn’t kissed him since I had come back kinda made it hard for me to play along with this, but I just rolled my eyes at him, making no attempts to.

"We’ll see about that." We shouldn’t have had this conversation in the first place if we’re being completely honest, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about as I smirked, turning my hand to intertwine our fingers as we walked down the stairs, happy that the serious mood was gone just like that.

The drive home was nice, Niall kept my hand in his lap, between both of his, slowly running his fingertips over the back, occasionally bringing it up to his lips before turning to me and making me smile. If I hadn’t known that we could have it even better at home, I wouldn’t have wanted the taxi to ever stop.

Everything looked so familiar to me at his place, sometimes I even forget that this wasn’t my actual home, it was the other way around as well I suppose, I guess that’d made it okay, we were just sharing two apartments.

As soon as the door had fallen shut behind us, Niall seemed to have forgotten everything he had said before, just throwing his arms around my shoulders to pull me down and press his lips onto mine.

It was pretty gentle and slow at first, even if I was a bit surprised, but then I smiled into the kiss, making sure to return it while shoving my hands under his jacket and shirt, caressing his skin and enjoying how he shivered slightly before stepping closer to me, holding on a bit tighter. Finally, this felt right again, this was how it was supposed to feel when you’re kissing someone.

"Shower?" I spoke in between, not really leaving him any time to say anything more than a quick yes before reconnecting our lips again, opening the zipper of his, actually my, jacket in a quick movement.

This was nice too, never really letting of each other while we stumbled into the bathroom, not tearing our clothes off but trying to keep ourselves on our feet while undressing each other. I might have bumped into the wall a few times, making Niall laugh hysterically before I shut him up again with my mouth on his.

The shower had nothing sexual, I simply enjoyed washing Niall’s hair, placing kisses all over his neck and shoulder, my arms wrapped around his stomach as he leaned back against my chest, eyes closed.

I loved how we could be like this and going straight back to being best friends again the next second, making dumb and silly jokes with kisses in between and tons of cuddling, this was how it was supposed to be.

"You look so cute I could eat you." It was true, Niall wrapped up in a towel with his hair flat and wet, water drops on his face that I really felt like kissing away was the most freaking adorable thing I had ever seen.

"Not everyone is trying to show off their abs, Liam." Other than him, I had the towel simply around my waist, feeling not as cold as Niall seemed to be.

"There’s no need to anyway, because you look perfect just like this." He blushed, hard, trying to make his way past me but I stopped him by pulling him against my chest. "I’m serious."

"I’m not perfect…" Due to the fact that he had to hold his towel, he couldn’t hug me back, but I felt how he cuddled into my chest, his lips moving slightly against my bare skin.

"You are, to me." Not only to me, he was the most perfect person in the whole world.

His cheek got a little warmer, I could feel it because it was pressed against my chest, I held him tighter, rubbing one hand across his back to help him warm up a little quicker. “Thank you…”

"Just telling you how it is." I knew that my words had cheered him up nevertheless, because as he pulled away, there was a bright smile on his lips despite the fact that he was red like a tomato. "Now let’s go get dressed."

"I wouldn’t mind if you just stayed like this to be honest." This made me ridiculously happy, because he meant it.

"That’s really naughty, Niall." And I loved it.

He just shrugged, kissing my shoulder quickly (it was the highest he could reach without having to stretch) before going forward to his room, I caught him in the hallways though, quickly giving him a hug from behind before tickling him slightly through the towel. “Stop, Liam, nooo. We’ll never get dressed like this.”

"You just said you wouldn’t mind." But I would mind, because I didn’t want him to be freezing at night in case he moved out of my arms, so I let him go, chuckling slightly because he was pouting now which made him even cuter than he had been in the first place.

There was a mix consisting out of both our clothes in his closet and on the couch in his room, Niall didn’t have any problems with that, he just had to find his boxers before grabbing the first shirt he found, one of mine, while I had a hard time finding my stuff since I couldn’t wear his.

"Maybe you should just lose some weight." Niall suggested from behind me, laughing when I playfully glared at him before going back on my search.

"Maybe you should get a bit taller." I mumbled before he called my name, so I turned around at the right time to catch what he had been throwing at me from the bed.

"You can just wear this, but only if I get it back later." The shirt I had given to him, that he still slept with every night, I immediately felt myself getting softer. He wasn’t the only one doing this, his hoodie was in my bed as well.

"Thanks." Now all I had to do was find my boxers and I’d be happy.

Even if Niall was already lying in bed, telling me that there was no way he’d be able to get up again, I forced him to go brush his teeth with me by simply carrying him back to the bathroom. As revenge he used so much toothpaste that it spilled out of his mouth, pressing his lips onto my cheek so I’d have it on as well.

I could have gotten mad, but I actually didn’t care at all, because hearing him laugh so carefree was my favorite thing in the world, I just smiled at him, pulling him into my lap as I sat down on the edge of his bathtub, continuing to brush my teeth after cleaning my cheek.

"Now that you’ve brought me here, you have to carry me back as well." That made sense to me, so I picked him up again, it felt like he weighed exactly nothing, but I liked how pleased he was with me carrying him, resting his head on my shoulder and yawning quietly.

"You’re such a sleepy baby today, aren’t you." We had actually woken up together this morning, Niall hadn’t wanted to get out of bed for an hour before he had just brought my blanket to fall on top of me on the couch while I was sitting, nearly sleeping in again while lying on my chest.

"I’m not a baby…" It didn’t really bother him, he just complained out of routine, I made sure to put him down in his bed carefully, giving him a kiss on his forehead before going back to close the door. "Hurry, Li, I’m cold."

"I’m here, no worries." After turning the lights off as well, I had a hard time finding back to his bed, however I found his hands, touching him a little more than necessary while climbing over him and under the blanket, with one arm around his waist. "Are you tired enough to sleep?" I usually asked this, just in case he wasn’t, then we could stay up and talk, anything so he wouldn’t have to stay up by himself, I knew he got scared easily.

"Hmm, I guess so…" He turned in my arms, wiggling around until he was able to peck my lips, lingering a bit before going back into our original position, just with a lot more cuddled into me than before.

"I love you. Sweet dreams." I felt him grabbing hold of my hand, keeping me even closer as I leaned up on my elbow, kissing his ear after whispering in it.

"I love you too." As he yawned again, I couldn’t help but press my lips to his temple before lying back down, thinking that he’d sleep in any second anyway when he spoke up again. "Liam?" It did sound kind of nervous, but I thought maybe it was just because he was being so quiet.

"What’s wrong, babe?" His hand around mine tightened, I tried to calm him down a little, rubbing my thumb over his, burying my face in his slightly damp hair.

"Can I… Can I ask you something and you don’t get mad at me, please?" How could you have gotten mad at him anyway, he was so small in my arms, I’d do anything I could to make sure he felt nothing besides happy and alright.

"Yes, of course, you know that." There weren’t many things he could’ve asked me that were serious enough to get nervous about, I kinda knew already what it’d might be.

"What….what did you do at Sophia’s party?" After it was out, he exhaled slowly, pressing his back tighter into me, as if to make sure I would still let him cuddle close. Was I that scary he had to be worried?

"Well, it took me some time to actually get inside, everyone was pretty drunk like I said. So was she…" Well, I had nothing I had to feel bad about, why not just tell him, I wanted him to trust me after all. "She wanted to… you know."

"Oh…oh." I held him tighter, leaning up again to press my lips to his temple, hurrying to continue.

"I told her no. I’ve never slept with her, Niall." He had never asked me that, just assumed that I had, like everyone else. Kissing was one thing, having sex was another, I had tried to find someone to distract me, not to sleep around while all I could think about was Niall. "And I never will."

"What? Really?" Immediately, he wiggled around in my arms to look at me, as far as I could tell without any lights on, he was really excited about what I had told him. Of course he was, it was actually sad that he had to even worry about those things, my poor baby.

"Yes, why would I? You know… she got mad at me, of course, and… we started fighting so she kinda said that I never have time for her since… you and me are so close and stuff." If I didn’t stop talking he’d know what else we had talked about, after all, it would just be fair, wouldn’t it?

"Is she mad at you now?" How in the world did he manage to sound sorry for me instead of happy?!

"I guess, I don’t know and I also don’t care to be honest." All I cared about was how close he was to me and his hand on my cheek, rubbing slow circles with his thumb which made me close my eyes before tightening my arm around his waist until every distance was just gone.

"Is that why you left?" We were whispering now, I felt his breath mixing with mine, if I just leaned forward a little my lips would’ve met his.

"No… Louis called me. He said that… you’re not feeling good…" Actually, that’s not exactly what he had said, but I didn’t want to embarrass Niall so much and tell him about our real conversation.

"Oh… but wasn’t she mad at you for leaving her again? … for me?" The last two words came out in a way that made me smile but at the same time hurt, they came out so positively surprised, as if he couldn’t believe I would come and get him if he needed me.

"Yes, she was, but it doesn’t matter like I said. I’d do anything for you but… listen, Ni…umm… you know she kinda said that… she knows about how much you like me and-"

"Doesn’t everyone?" Oh. This was unexpected, however it made sense like, why would he not have noticed? He wasn’t dumb. "I don’t mind, everyone can know."

"Niall, I… I’m sorry, I…-"

"I know. You don’t have to say anything at all, okay? It’s fine. I just wish that…" The last few words were just mumbled into the pillow, I couldn’t hear him even if I was so close, but I suddenly felt the urge to know.

"Speak up, baby, I can’t hear you." That had probably been the plan in the first place, but I was determined to find out, I didn’t want him to hold things in anymore, I wanted him to trust me so badly it was almost pathetic.

"I just wish you’d break up with her…" Right after that, he let go of my cheek, snuggling into the crook of my neck suddenly while I was trying to think of something to say, I wished I could just break up as well… "I mean… you know, I don’t expect anything at all, it’s just… if you don’t love her and stuff…I mean, it wouldn’t even matter, right? I just… I don’t… I know this is selfish, but…"

This was killing me, the fact that he couldn’t just say what he meant, which was that I was just keeping on hurting him for nothing at all, really, what even was the reason for me still pretending to date Sophia?! I didn’t know anymore, it changed exactly nothing at all, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want him anymore or that it made this any easier. If I wanted to do something for him, if I wanted him to feel better after everything I’ve done then… “Okay. I’ll break up with her.”

"What?!" Niall nearly sat up out of shock, but I kept holding him close to me, running my fingers through his hair before pulling him down so I could press my lips to his forehead. No idea what I would tell Sophia, but it would at least make Niall happy.

"I’ll break up with her, you’re right. It’s not only unfair to her but I’m hurting you and besides… yeah, I don’t love her, it doesn’t make sense." Obviously, but it made me feel nervous, I wished I could have asked Niall if he could come along, his presence usually made me calm down, but that would have made everything even worse.

"Really? You’ll do this for me?" What was he thinking why I was even still keeping this up?! It was all because of him, everything.

"Yes, Niall. I love you, okay? I really, really do. And I’m sorry I believed that … that this would help any of us, because it doesn’t." Unlike me, Niall seemed to be the happiest person alive again, he surprised me by pressing his lips onto mine unexpectedly, nearly falling on top of me. Somehow I felt like he was making himself even worse false hopes now, but I couldn’t bear to start a new discussion that would make him sad again. If I managed to break up with Sophia, that wouldn’t solve my problems at all.

Besides, it was really late, so after Niall thanking me for another ten million times and three thousand I love you’s, I was not only considering killing myself to free his life from my awful presence, but I made sure he calmed down enough so he could sleep even if I was way too worked up now to do so as well.

 

The next day, I woke up with a headache, all by myself. Niall’s bed was empty, even as I sat up to look around for him, no one was there.

I didn’t move for a few minutes, everything that had happened yesterday made me want to go back to sleep, forever preferably, things just kept adding up and I didn’t feel in a position that would allow me to complain, everyone else was having it even worse.

Niall, most of all, because he knew now what it could be like if we were together, yet he also knew that I was against calling us anything or making this official.

Sophia too, I was lying to her and treating her like shit if we’re being honest. Also the others had a hard time worrying about Niall because I just kept messing everything up without ever telling them anything at all or giving them a reason.

Yeah, it was obvious now, they’d be better off if I didn’t exist.

I finally managed to get up afterwards, because I wanted to know where Niall had gone, so I went for a little search, first thinking he might be in the bathroom. Once he had fallen asleep there, after he had gone to the toilet at night, he had thought it would be a good idea to rest a little on the floor. So yeah.

It was empty this time, also the living room, which only left the kitchen, I should have known that, where else would he be in the morning when he was hungry?

He still managed to surprise me.

For a second I appreciated the sight I had on Niall’s back, whenever he wore my clothes I got hit by just how small he was compared to me, compared to anyone, it woke something in me just like the first time that we had met.

As I stepped closer, I realized that he was having a hard time doing something, because he was slightly cursing under his breath, making me smirk, he was trying so hard to do things something even if he failed.

"Morning." At my voice and my arms around his stomach all of a sudden, he nearly dropped everything he had been holding.

"Jesus, Liam, you nearly killed me." I apologized quietly, leaning my chin against his head to see what was causing him such problems. Pancakes. Food, of course, what else?

"Is that eggshell supposed to be in there?" It was not, obviously, but I couldn’t help pointing it out to tease him a little, causing Niall to sigh dramatically.

"A lot of things are not supposed to be in there, trust me, you’d prefer the eggshells." This would be an interesting breakfast.

"Do you want me to call the ambulance now or later?" Now, judging by how he just used his fingers to fish something out of the bowl that looked a lot like a piece of plastic. You know what, I’d still pretend I liked whatever he cooked or better, attempted to.

"Very funny. How about you help me fix this instead?" Actually, just watching him getting frustrated like this with such a simple thing was cute as hell, but I didn’t want to be mean, I mean, after all he had gotten up to just to make those.

"How about we get rid of this and I’ll teach you the method where you don’t get food poisoning?" My plan also included not having to move away or stop hugging him, I think he at least agreed in that point since he would’ve fallen down as soon as I stepped back.

"Fine then." Niall’s words didn’t come out like they were supposed since he gently unfolded my arms around his stomach before turning, getting onto his tip toes, not making a secret about what he wanted, so I gave it to him with a quick smile, pecking his lips softly. "I’ll go flush this down the toilet."

"That’s a good idea, babe." My hands slipped off his waist as he took the bowl full of stuff I didn’t want to know about, making his way to the bathroom.

Even as he was gone, I still felt my lips tingling from touching his, still felt the warmth of his back pressed up against my chest. Maybe recalling this stuff was what caused me to nearly not hearing him coming back, still standing exactly where he had left me.

"Do you think I have to wash this out as well, I mean…" We both looked down, maybe my face had gotten a little green or something, because Niall didn’t wait for an answer anymore and luckily went ahead to get rid of the remaining, most likely poisonous, rest. "Okay now."

"I’ll just show you, you do it." Yeah, of course I had this planned out as I stepped behind him again, smiling back at him as he quickly turned his head, positively surprised as it seemed.

At first, Niall actually did what I told him, but after a while (three seconds) he leaned back against me, letting me do most of the stuff, ‘accidentally’ brushing my arms while pretending to help, doing it wrong on pure purpose just so I’d put my hands over his to show him. I enjoyed this too much, I had had a headache a few minutes ago, making breakfast wasn’t something I thought would cure me or let my bad thoughts disappear, however Niall did that. With his very affectionate way to show me that he wanted to be close to me, that he appreciated the fact that I was here and helping him. I think it’s impossible to not get happy when he is around.

"It’s actually a pity you’re up so early, I wanted to be nice and bring those back to bed with me." Was he even real?

"We can still do that." Sounded a lot better than sitting on the table.

Niall seemed to like my idea, he didn’t say anything, but he turned around to wrap his arms around me, giggling when I poked his side a little, but stepping closer anyway while I was busy not letting the pancakes burn over his shoulder, but the small kisses on my neck distracted me so much that I nearly dropped the pan, making Niall laugh against my skin, of course even more motivated now. “Very funny.”

"I think so, too." Aww, he was so cute when he was this giggly and excited, it was hard to only PLAY mad.

It went on like this for a while until I was done, even as I got the plate Niall wouldn’t let go of me, only until I asked him whether he wanted hot chocolate, but he only leaned back to look at me with sparkling eyes, telling me that he got it and that I should just go back to bed meanwhile.

So that’s what I did, I couldn’t believe that we were doing this actually, like, yesterday had been so emotional and now we were about to eat breakfast in bed after Niall had nearly made me ruin his floor by kissing me so many times I was still blushed. What was I even trying to achieve with the way I acted?

"I made you some as well." His smile hadn’t faded, if anything, it was brighter now as he climbed into bed next to me, nearly spilling the entire hot chocolate onto my face. That would’ve been fine as well, he could do whatever he wanted, really.

"Thank you." I wasn’t that hungry, I just put the plate into his lap instead of mine, pleased with just having my arm around him as he used me as a pillow.

"You like maple syrup, right?" According to the amount he had already drenched the pancakes in before asking me, there was no need in saying that I was already wondering not how many spoonful but how many full packs of chocolate he had poured into my mug. That was just Niall though, I could’ve told him it was unhealthy, but why would I do that? If he liked sugar, he could have as much as he felt like having, anything.

"Yeah, sure." And if he had been eating maple syrup without any pancakes at all then I would’ve said the same. I was so whipped.

For a few bites Niall stayed quiet, usual behavior when he was busy with food, I used the time to appreciate his weight against me, slightly freeing his forehead from hair and just never stopping pressing my lips into his hair, I liked how it smelled, just like he always did because he never changed his shampoo which meant that I had it on as well since yesterday. Even better.

"You really know how to make pancakes, Li. Thank you for helping me." As he turned to look at me, I ignored his words, just catching his lips with mine, tasting nothing besides maple syrup. "Here."

We only had one fork, because I hadn’t thought about it at all and because it didn’t matter, so Niall was attempting to feed me my own tripping pancakes now, laughing brightly as my face scrunched up a bit. They nearly hurt to chew to my excuse.

"More for me. Or you can have the ones on the bottom, they’re not so sticky yet." Or I could just watch you enjoy all of them because you are cute as hell.

"Just eat as much as you want, I can still make more." I was really just trying to get him to lean his head against my shoulder again so I could have my pillow back and bury my face in his hair so I wouldn’t have to think about anything at all.

We didn’t make any more, even if Niall finished the plate in under fifteen minutes, with his leg over and in between mine and more lying on top of me than actually sitting. As I offered to get up, he just straddled my lap to keep me where I was, smirking before placing a quick kiss on my lips. “No, it’s okay, but thank you.” Another one. “I love you.” And … yes.

"I love you too, baby." We were both smiling like idiots, Niall leaned forward to rest his forehead against mine, playing with my hair in the back of my neck while I pulled him up a little, keeping my hands on his waist, just rubbing circles into his hipbones softly before letting my eyes fall close. "Niall…"

"Yes?" It seemed to motivate him that I wasn’t looking at him anymore since he leaned away all of a sudden to let his lips brush over my forehead instead, something that I was only used to doing to him, not the other way around, that would at least explain my arms covered in goose bumps.

"What do you want for Christmas?" This was a serious topic alright, it was already december and even if Niall had nearly kissed me to death after I had bought him an Advent calendar, I couldn’t just go and buy him anything.

His answer didn’t make this any easier to decide neither did his lips still wandering all over my face. “You.”

My words weren’t chosen very well, I was in a cuddly mood because it was basically everything we had done this morning, so then I didn’t think and said what would have been appropriate. “You already have me.” Just not for our kind of situation.

"Not really…" He seemed sorry as soon as I opened my eyes, but the words were already out. And there came all my problems crashing down again.

"Ni… " There was nothing I could’ve told him to make it better, he was still straddling my lap, with his arms around my neck but with too much distance between our faces, biting around on his bottom lip, trying to avoid my eyes.

"It’s okay, I’m sorry, it just slipped out." And it was the truth.

"Hey, no, don’t be sorry." I brushed over his lip softly with my thumb, trying to keep him from making it bleed as I had a brilliant idea how to brighten the mood. "You know what, I’ll call Sophia now." I just chose the wrong words to tell him.

"What?!" Niall seemed as if I had just told him I had just been kidding about everything the whole time, oh god I was so dumb.

"To tell her we need to talk, because I promised you I’d break up with her, remember?" What the hell, had he actually thought I’d call her for any other reason, NOW?

"Oh…" Why was his face still so sad? He moved a little, so he could sit on my lap sideways, snuggling his head in between my neck and shoulder. "You know… if you don’t want to…I was just a little off last night and-"

"What are you talking about? I don’t love her, of course I will break up with her, I’ve just been too scared to do it." And too damn stupid as well, but what’d you expect from me after everything.

"Okay… I’ll go and-"

"No, you stay." Actually he hadn’t even made real attempts to leave, but now I really wouldn’t let him, I just cradled him to my chest, making sure to peck his lips one more time before grabbing my phone, holding it so he could see.

It’s not that I thought he’d accuse me of not really calling her, I just wanted to make sure that he’d notice that his habit of making his phone all about me had influenced me to a point where I had just taken over.

He had always been the only getting a heart after their name as well, just like me, I just wanted to make sure he really saw it and also my backgrounds before I reached Sophia’s name.

As soon as I was holding the phone to my ear, waiting, Niall pulled his feet closer, curling up in my arms, shivering slightly, as if he was scared. I was busy rearranging the blanket around us before rubbing Niall’s back slowly as she picked up.

"Did you miss Niall’s name on your list? It’s above mine." Oh great, yes, thank god Niall couldn’t hear her talk.

"No, I did not." I felt my teeth clench, about to just break up on the phone after telling her where Niall actually was, nearly tearing up in my lap. "Listen, we gotta talk."

"Are you sure this is not too soon for you, Liam?" Wow, there was no reason to be THIS sarcastic really.

"If you don’t want to you could just say it." This was making me angry, even if it was my fault, but I was also nervous, even more since Niall was there listening.

"I’m just not quite sure if one day has been enough for you to think about it. But fine, if you wanna talk, I can come over tonight." How’d I explain this to Niall? ‘Listen, I’ll leave now, Sophia’s coming over, bye’. I mean… it was something he wanted me to do but it’d still sound strange.

"Good. I’ll see you then." And probably never again after that.

"Yeah, bye." It sounded as if she was close to laughing, I kinda understood her reaction, I was really behaving pathetic by now, but still, this was serious.

"I’ll tell her tonight." The sooner I told him, the more time I had to make up for having to leave so soon.

"Tonight?" Though I couldn’t see his face, I didn’t know if it upset him more than it sounded like, but right now he didn’t seem any sadder than he had been before, at least he still reached out for my hand to hold it in between both of his.

"Yeah…is that okay?" It felt appropriate to ask, the longer I thought about it, today was not a good idea at all, who’d stay with him meanwhile?

"Of course." That didn’t sound convinced at all, but what could I have said? At one point I had to meet up with her, besides it wasn’t for fun, it would hopefully be the last time.

"Alright…" There was nothing left to say, I was scared now to be honest, I wanted to ask Niall what I should tell her, but I couldn’t. This was the problem, he was here yet I couldn’t ask him the questions I usually would have. And I was scared that one day we wouldn’t even be able to do any of this at all, what if we gave our lives up to risk a relationship? That didn’t sound right at all, but I couldn’t continue like this either.

"Are you gonna tell her the truth?" If I wanted to commit suicide, maybe.

"I don’t know yet to be honest like… I haven’t thought about what I’m gonna say." And I also didn’t want to, I was such a fucking coward.

"Okay." Niall tried to sniff quietly, I heard it anyway but I didn’t say anything, just held him tighter, pulling the blanket up higher, just in case.

We didn’t talk for a while, I had managed to ruin another day after such a good start off and we weren’t even out of bed yet.

If Niall hadn’t been playing with my fingers or the blanket, occasionally even reacting to my kisses or cuddling closer, I would’ve thought he had fallen asleep, but he was just really, really quiet now all of a sudden, probably thinking about how after I had broken up with Sophia I’d soon decide that I wanted to leave him again. Not that I’d ever do that, but I knew Niall too well, this was his way of thinking, he’d take this all personally, even if I gave him all of my reasons, he’d still think it was because he wasn’t good enough for me. Truth was, he was too good.

That’s why it didn’t surprise me as I felt him letting go of my hand, starting to kiss my neck, softly at first before he went up to my ear, his fingers suddenly under my shirt, all innocent for now.

I let it happen for a while, just holding him tight, kissing back when he finally reached my mouth, it was obvious where this would lead to as he moved to straddle my lap again, not parting his lips from mine. Unfortunately for him, I also knew the reason. Or so I thought.

"Niall, you know that I won’t need any reminding that I really want you and not her, right? I’m not gonna back out, I’m gonna break up with her." By this time, my shirt was long gone, we were still fully clothed besides that though, Niall was still straddling my lap, breathing a bit harder now as he stopped to look away from me, flushing.

"I know, I… I trust you." That wasn’t all clearly.

"But?" I asked quietly, holding his chin softly, waiting until his eyes met mine. All I saw was desperation as he stared back, as if he was trying to find an answer to something in my face.

"I didn’t say but…" Was all he mumbled, completely giving his attempts to kiss me or do anything up and just dropping his head on my shoulder all of a sudden.

"Niall, what’s wrong?" This worried me, I didn’t know whether he was about to cry or not, because as I tried to get him to lean back, he just wrapped his arms around my neck, staying like this. "Come on, tell me, Niall, what’s the matter?"

"I was just thinking that… even if you break up with her… what if there comes someone else?" Oh.

"Hey…" Then I couldn’t think of anything good enough to say because he was so right that I was shocked. Yeah, what IF there came someone else? Not for me, but for him, even if that was not what he meant but we couldn’t forever sleep with each other and never actually date because that would make us exactly nothing. And if we’re being honest, as much as I wanted Niall to myself, I still thought that he wouldn’t be happy being stuck with me forever. There wouldn’t come someone else for me though. "There won’t, I-"

"Yes there will, Liam. You can tell me you love me, you can have sex with me but if you actually never want us to be official then we can’t just forever stay like this, because it wouldn’t mean anything. Don’t you want to get married one day?" Wait, wait, where was this coming from all of a sudden?

"What, I-"

"Well, if you want to but you don’t want it to be me because of reasons that I understand too good, then you’ll have to find someone else, obviously." It almost sounded so mad that I didn’t want him to lean back and look at me anymore, scared he’d see how shocked I was, but he did.

"What reasons are we talking about?" Since when did he understand them, too good?

"You don’t see us working out in a relationship. I understand, I mean, I know I’m way too young for you." Again, he was doing it the fuck AGAIN! HELL HE WAS PERFECT WHY WAS HE BLAMING HIMSELF.

"Niall, this is not about your age and that is also not the reason and you know that." Obviously he didn’t, because he cocked his head, making me want to cry at how innocent he was, but I didn’t, I just cupped his face, forcing him to keep looking at me, if we actually needed to talk about this then I wanted to do this right. "You want to know the reason?"

I only got a nod which made me sigh, I didn’t want to talk about it, it made it so real to me that it couldn’t be forever like this.

"Okay. Look, the reason why I even started all of this in the first place is because I couldn’t believe that I was falling for you seeing as you were always a little brother to me. That was weird however it’s not the problem. I don’t want to risk this just because it’s what we want right now, there’s no relationship that’s guaranteed to last forever and what if we actually break up, for whatever reason? It could never be the same and I’d have to let you go all by yourself and I can’t let that happen. I’m supposed to be there for you, like I promised, but how could I do that if it is all weird because of a break up? Who should I go to then? You’ve always been my best friend, you’ve always been there. We’re supposed to be there for each after a break up, to pick the pieces back up. But that can’t happen if WE are the ones that broke up." My biggest concern was not who I would go to, but what he would do then, I NEEDED to take care of him, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror otherwise. "Besides… you’ll find someone else, I promise, someone better than me." No idea why I was saying the last thing, it’s just, I really only wanted the best for him.

"That’s what I said. You don’t see us working out." Why was he making this so hard, I had let go of him, but now he was just staring at our hands intertwined in his lap.

"No, that’s not what you said, it has nothing to do with your age and I also didn’t say I don’t see us working out because look at us. I just don’t want to take a risk." In some way this wasn’t true, because I actually did keep his age in mind, but not because I thought he was too immature like he thought, I just thought that I was too old, who’d want to be stuck with me?

"Why are you breaking up with Sophia then? Who knows, maybe in ten years you’ll fall in love with her and you’re finally free of me." Other than you might think, it didn’t sound mad, it just broke my heart.

"Did you not listen to me? I don’t want to be free of you, that’s the reason. I want to keep you." I kissed his lips softly, hoping he’d react or at least look up but no chance.

"Then it’s gonna be someone else. Fact is, one day we have to stop all of this, so someone is going to get hurt." That was right, however I had kinda been hoping that he’d be the one to fall for someone else, I’d get hurt then, but that was million times better than seeing him getting hurt instead. Besides, I didn’t think that I’d ever want someone else if I could have Niall. "Does this mean you think you’ll stop loving me one day anyway?"

"NO! What are you even saying?! I just told you what’s up and that’s not it." Everything I said, it was just wrong, no matter how, he’d find a way to twist my words and get hurt by them. It would have probably been best to just shut my mouth, but Niall was finally looking up, squeezing my hands.

"Then I’ll just wait." Oh, perfect. "We could just keep going on like this and maybe I’ll convince you in a few years that we SHOULD be together. You say you don’t want to take a risk but why let this pass you by? I’ll never want anyone else besides you anyways." There we had it, this was the reason why I didn’t want to have this conversation with Niall.

If I told him now that I’d never even look at anyone else again as long as I knew that he was still in love with me then that would mean that he’d assume we were in a relationship anyway, but I wanted him to look at other people, just because I wouldn’t it didn’t mean he shouldn’t.

All I did was sigh, instead of saying any of this, I just crashed our lips together, making him fall down on his back while giggling into my mouth as I fell on top of him.

 

I hadn’t wanted to leave him alone, even if Niall had reassured me that it would be okay, because he wasn’t a baby, but yes, he was a baby, my baby and if anything happened then this would be no one’s fault but mine. It was my job to take care of him, because I didn’t want anyone else to do it.

We had spent the day lying in bed making out after this talk that had us both caused stress we had to get rid of. At least Niall didn’t start talking about it again as we went out to get something to eat later. I noticed how happy he got when someone recognized us, even if it had been almost unpreventable, however I also knew the exact reason for his happiness.

One, people would know we had been together, something he seemed to love because he could stalk the pictures afterwards and read about Niam again (yeah, I knew that he did that), two, he had a love bite on his neck, not too noticeable, but I hadn’t been able to resist, so another reason for everyone who loved rumors. Even if they weren’t rumors at all.

And finally three, something that wasn’t about me, after the picture of his cuts, fans usually asked him whether he was okay, I knew he felt guilty that they had to worry so he liked making sure they knew he was fine. Even if that was a lie.

After all, he had still looked sad as I had left, not wanting to let me go for about five minutes straight even if it had started as a normal goodbye hug.

No matter how many times I told him that I wouldn’t go and change my mind, that I really loved him and only wanted the best for him, he would start doubting it and I knew it wasn’t because he didn’t trust me but because he thought I was too good for him. I hadn’t exactly helped improving his confidence in this point, I would have felt really guilty, but he had been like this from the beginning.

Sophia had texted me earlier, telling me when she’d come, with a sarcastic comment to top it all off, I hadn’t expected anything else from her.

The problem was, I knew that I’d have to hurt her now, as much as I had been a liar, she hadn’t, and I knew that she loved me, but other than Niall, she’d get over it.

I still hadn’t decided what to tell her as I locked up my front door, feeling quite empty without Niall by my side to be honest, I wasn’t used to being this alone anymore.

His clothes were lying around in my room everywhere, the sheets were still messed up from yesterday morning, I just closed the door. I didn’t plan on letting Sophia in there, that would have been weird in every point.

However, my fridge was full of Niall’s favorite stuff as well, mine too, but it didn’t matter since she wouldn’t be looking inside, I wanted to make this quick and painless. Like pulling off a bandage. Only that that hurt like hell actually.

I thought of texting Niall a little while I waited, but I didn’t want him to think that I was controlling him, we’d see each other in a bit, he’d be fine without me for a while, for sure, he was sixteen, that’s old enough.

When my doorbell rang, way too late, I nearly jumped, I had just been sitting in the kitchen, staring at the wall and thinking of nothing specific, I was trying not to overanalyze the situation.

As I opened my door, Sophia looked kinda bored, I was glad she didn’t try to kiss or hug me, just pushing past me. “I’m late I know, must be a habit I have taken over from you. Okay, tell me what you want to tell me and let’s get this over.”

Maybe she wouldn’t be too sad after all. “Why are you so mad?”

"Why am I so mad?" Oh, wrong question. "I don’t know maybe you left me standing on my birthday to go and hang out with Niall who you see every second of the day anyway."

"Uhmm… do you wanna sit down?" Really, I had no idea how to start this or how to even sound somewhat intelligent, maybe if I talked enough shit then she’d break up with me instead.

"Liam, sometimes you’re really hard to understand." Then she sighed, ignoring me and walking into the living room, I followed, slowly, I didn’t want to do this, really. "So?"

"Okay, listen…" There was so much distance between us it almost seemed to be ridiculous, but I was too nervous to even look at her, staring out of the window instead, feeling kinda sick of the thought of Niall being alone when it was getting dark. I shouldn’t have been thinking of something like this at all but especially not now. "You know I… I’m sorry about your birthday…and stuff…"

"Is this everything?" She cocked her eyebrows, I had finally managed to draw my eyes away from the street, looking at her getting even more annoyed.

"No… there is something else, I just… I don’t know how to tell you." Should I tell her the truth? But what if she just went and told people? It’s not that I thought so little of her, I was just trying to no forget anything.

"Liam…" Why was she suddenly so much nicer? "You wanna break up, don’t you." Oh.

"Look I … it’s not you it’s just that… " I love Niall, bye.

"Well, you know it’s not like it’s hard to guess the reason. I’m just wondering what you’re gonna do in the future, you can’t always do everything for Niall." Now it was getting even worse, and worse and worse. She thought that I only did it because Niall was hurt, she thought that our relationship had actually been REAL. How’d I tell her the truth?!

"You know umm… I can’t … I don’t know how to tell you it’s just that I kinda…" Niall would love the fact that I had had no other choice but to say it out loud. Or mumble it hardly noticeable. "Ikindalovehim…"

"You…" Oh fucking hell. "YOU’RE GAY?!"

"No! I’m not I… listen I’m sorry okay, I can explain it I-"

"Wow, now things make sense. I almost took it personally that you didn’t wanna sleep with me." What the fuck was going on?!

I looked up to see Sophia surprised, but not so mad or annoyed anymore. The only problem now was that she thought I was dating Niall. “I’m not gay I… I don’t know how to explain it, but… “

"You could’ve just told me, Liam. If you love Niall then that’s okay, or if you’re gay or bi or whatever, just tell me." Did she actually not mind that I had basically been lying to her for two months?

"You’re not… pissed off?" My mouth was nearly hanging open at how calm she was acting all of a sudden, this was too easy.

"No, you know… okay." She leaned forward a little, reaching out for my hand for some reason, I was too confused to pull mine away. "I’ve wanted to break up as well. It’s not you it’s just… we hardly see each other and now Niall… I think it’s the best if we just stay friends."

"Really?" Just like me and Niall should be.

"Yes. I hope you and Niall will be happy." That smile made it even more awkward, it had sounded like she actually meant it, damn it why was she doing this to me?! Oh right… I was the asshole, not her.

"We’re … we’re not really-"

Before I had to make up some story to save myself from having to explain to her that something in my head had just gone wrong, my phone started ringing, we both looked down since it was lying on the table. Well, this was embarrassing, maybe I should have turned it around in case ‘Niall ♥’ called me.

"Pick up, it’s fine." Her face was almost amused as she leaned back, this was really not going the way I had planned it, it was going better, but also more awkward on more levels.

I felt relieved that Niall was calling me exactly at that moment though, at least now I had more time to think of a way to talk myself out of this. “Niall, hi. Everything alr-“

"Li… you have to come home…" Everything else was just disappearing, he never sounded like this, his voice was quiet, breathless somehow, I heard him doing something in the background.

"What happened? Niall?" If this hadn’t come out of nowhere, then maybe I would have made my way to the door already, but now I was frozen, still standing with my back towards Sophia, completely forgetting about her.

"Just come home quickly…okay? Please…" The quiet sniff in the end did it for me, I turned around, nearly bumping into Sophia because she had gotten up, looking worried, maybe because my face was as white as it felt like. It’s not like I could have cared less.

"I’m on my way, okay? I’ll be there as fast as I can." My voice gave away how nervous I was, I nearly dropped my phone, that’s how badly my hands were shaking. I didn’t know what had happened, I tried to think of something it could have been, panicking, but all my images were getting too disturbing to even think them through. "Ni-"

And then he was just gone, just like that, calling him back would have been a waste of time, I completely ignored Sophia’s stare, not seeing much anyway, I was half jogging to get my shoes. Shit, there was traffic, I couldn’t wait for a taxi, I didn’t have a car, hell, I couldn’t even drive!

"Liam, what’s wrong, what-"

"I gotta go, I’m so sorry, okay, I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with Niall but something’s happened, I gotta go." Not sure if my words came out like that, or if they even made sense at all, I was turning the key, cursing under my breath for bothering to lock this damn door.

"Liam, wait, how are you gonna get there?!" It would have been a blessing to find out she had come by car, but she couldn’t drive either.

"I’ll run." Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I had known there was another reason for making him move in so close next to me other than the fact that it would save time if we wanted to hang out. It also saved time in emergencies if none of us had a car.

I didn’t care what Sophia would do now, she could just stay at my place, I never spent a thought on it, I nearly fell down the stairs, about to run when I remembered something. If the worst case had happened, then it wouldn’t matter anymore who knew about it, hell, who cared, SOMETHING had happened and I couldn’t risk Niall’s safety or worse, his life.

That’s why I was jogging while waiting for Harry or Louis to pick up, you never knew with them, they seemed to share not only phones but also boxers. “Liam? I’m kinda bus-“

"No, listen, you HAVE to get to Niall’s place as fast as possible, I don’t have a car but you do, please, something has happened." My whole body hurt from half running plus trying to get those words out convincing.

"What are you talking about?!" Harry didn’t understand, of course not, but at least he sounded alarmed. About half as much as I was, I nearly got ran over by a car before choking out an answer quickly, desperate to finally speed up a little.

"I’ll explain it later, I gotta hang up." Shoving my phone into my jeans carelessly, I could’ve cried from how happy I was that it was already so light, cold and dark, not a lot of people would expect me to be running past them as if the devil was after me.

Because that’s what I did, the whole way, not stopping once even as my lunge felt like bursting, I might have bumped into a lot of things as well, and people too, but I could hardly remember anything as I reached Niall’s door.

It was closed, that was the moment when I noticed the blood on my hand from scratching it open somewhere, but it felt numb instead of hurting as I fumbled with the keys, five years as it seemed.

Please, please let him be okay, please let this be nothing and let me have a fucking embarrassing conversation with Harry afterwards. Please.

"Niall? Niall, where are you?!" I was yelling way too loud, not being able to hold my panic back as I stormed inside, breathing heavily after this run, my whole body hurt but I ignored it successfully, just focusing on finding Niall, getting blood everywhere whenever I touched something or opened up doors, actually, smashing them into the wall, WHERE WAS HE?!

The fact that I got no answer almost made me cry, what if he wasn’t here anymore, what if he was gone, what if he had done something to himself because I had been too slow??

There were a lot of my things in my mind, it’s just, somehow I had still been stuck thinking that I was just exaggerating, that it was actually nothing at all when I only had the bathroom and his balcony left to check, maybe that’s why I nearly fell down to my knees as I luckily went for the bathroom first.

This was not something I wished anybody to ever experience, ever, especially not with the person you love the very most. I couldn’t possibly recall my emotions, maybe my mind had been blocked, but the next minutes or hours maybe were only a blur afterwards.

There was so much blood, it was being soaked up by Niall’s shirt, making it dark red, I had no idea where it was coming from at first, all I knew was that Niall was passed out on the floor, looking dead already as I stormed towards him without even wasting half a second.

"Niall, oh god, Ni, babe, please wake up, please!" Knowing that no one could hear neither me nor my sobbing, I just kept them up, searching for where the wound was, going straight for his wrists. Oh god.

There was a cut so deep and so fucking big I couldn’t possibly understand how this could have happened, but most of all, WHY? Why had he done that, with what, there was no razor, no knife no nothing, just Niall nearly bleeding to death as I almost slipped on his blood while ripping the towel off the hook on the wall, pressing it onto his arm.

I had used my own hands first, not caring about that I was bleeding as well or that it might have gotten infected, if it did it would at least mean he was still alive.

"Niall… Niall, don’t you dare dying on me, fuck. Please, Niall." Now I could hardly see due to my tears, everything was just red, even Niall’s head as I noticed the wound on his forehead where he must’ve hit something really sharp as he had passed out. Fuck, no, this wasn’t real not at all, how the hell had I deserved this?!

The urge to wrap him up in my arms and hold him without doing anything because I felt like my life was over already was tempting, but I knew you had to hold the arm up, pressing tightly, so that’s what I did.

In my head was now the haunting image of how the cut had looked, it wasn’t right under his palm, a little down further, but it nearly went all the way to the crook of his arm, so deep I saw nothing besides blood flowing out, it didn’t feel okay to increase the pressure even more, but I did it anyway, crying until I remembered that I needed an ambulance.

Trying to reach my phone while holding Niall’s arm with only one hand was nearly making me want to kick something in frustration, I couldn’t press anything because the screen didn’t react to my fingers all bloody, what the fuck was this shit, Niall was DYING here because I had a damn smartphone!

"Come on, PLEASE JUST WORK!" It didn’t, not after all my yelling, it always took numbers instead of emergency.

Harry’s insistence saved me, he called me again, probably had a few times while I had been running, this time my phone reacted. “L-“

"CALL AN AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW!" There was no time, I needed both my hands to press onto the wound.

"Niall’s place?" At least he got that, not asking any further, unnecessary questions.

"YES!" The connection was gone immediately, thank god, I just dropped my phone, probably breaking it, but that was not even remotely a problem, my problem was that now even the towel was leaking as I pressed with both my hands again. Why didn’t it stop?! How deep had he cut, WITH WHAT?! Why would he do that, just because I had told him I didn’t think I was good enough for him, just because I had been gone for maybe two hours?!

Niall’s face was pale, actually looking white in contrast to all the blood on the left side where his cheek had been on the floor before I had turned him onto his back, the whole front of his shirt was soaked, much like the floor I was sitting on and most of all, his whole arm looking like he had fallen in paint.

If I hadn’t been thinking that I had already lost him, I would’ve probably thrown up right there, but I didn’t get to think anything besides that I couldn’t lose him, not like this, not knowing that if I had really wanted to, maybe I could’ve been faster. Maybe I could’ve broken up with Sophia over the phone, not having to leave him alone.

"Wake up, come on, you’re not dead." Of course he wasn’t dead, I still saw his chest rising and falling slowly, but I was so sure that he wouldn’t make it, I nearly dropped his arm just so I could hold him one last time while he was still breathing.

Instead, I just leaned down, my tears dropping onto his face before I kissed his lips, tasting nothing besides blood, I tried to block it out, closing my eyes, thinking that he’d have to kiss me back any second now, no way was he really going to die, how could he, I still needed him. But he didn’t. not even flinching as I sat back up, tightening my grip around his arm.

"Niall, come on, I love you, I love you so much, you can’t do this to me. We still need to get a Christmas Tree together, remember? And you haven’t opened your whole Advent Calendar by now and you still haven’t told me what I should get you. Who am I gonna have breakfast in bed with, Ni, tell me. You can’t just leave me like this…" I was crying so hard at this point, I couldn’t keep on talking, or make any sound at all, I pressed my eyes shut, not bearing the sight of him looking like this anymore.

That’s it now, Liam, you managed to kill him.

 

I didn’t hear anyone coming inside because I hadn’t even closed the door, or someone making me stop pressing into Niall’s arm, I might have protested and yelled, maybe not, no idea how I had landed in Niall’s living room, sitting in front of the couch with this ambulance woman kneeling in front of me trying to get my attention.

"Liam? Liam is your name, right? Are you alright? Are you hurt as well?" How’d she know my name… oh right…

"I’m not hurt…" The fact that I was covered in blood probably made her doubt my words, but I didn’t care, I wasn’t properly looking at her, I was staring over her shoulder, not seeing anything besides these images flashing before my eyes. "Please just help Niall."

"We’re trying our best." Well, then why was she here?

"He’s going to die, isn’t he." Of course he was.

"He’s lost a lot of blood however it usually looks more than it is." That was no answer, I mean, it’s not like I needed an answer, because I knew it anyway. My fault. "Did I he do it to himself?"

How’d I know? No matter what I said, that’s what it would say in every single newspaper anyway, I already saw the headlines. Liam Payne letting Niall Horan bleed to death. Only that I wouldn’t read them anymore because I’d kill myself as well. That thought was calming somehow, I hadn’t stopped crying up to now, but it was okay, I’d soon be dead as well.

As I didn’t answer, she tried again, a little nicer this time. “Is there someone I can call for you?”

I shook my head, what’d it matter anyway, what would anyone else help me now. They’d all yell at me, for letting him die like this, I should actually be arrested, like, I’m sure I could’ve pressed onto this towel a little harder. It was my fault, whose would it be otherwise?

The woman left me alone then, I didn’t know what was going on, I mean, there was no point in bringing Niall to a hospital when he would die anyway, was there.

Just as I had managed to clear my mind from thoughts of any kind, Harry came into my view, maybe he had been crying, but I wasn’t really interested in looking at his face anyway.

"Liam! Oh my fucking god, what happened?! We saw them driving away, Louis is talking to someone, talk to me, please!" Where would they drive Niall, for what reason.

"I killed him." That was all Harry really needed to know, I expected him to let go of me now as he was half hugging me, but no, he actually just hit my arm.

"LIAM! No, you didn’t! Tell me what happened." I JUST HAD!

"He cut his whole arm open and I didn’t press hard enough. And I also wasn’t here fast enough. It’s my fault." My voice sounded dead, just like I’d be soon as well, perfect match.

Harry attempted to hit me again, he was crying for sure now, wrapping his arms around me instead, resting his cheek on my head and rubbing my shoulder as if that would help me. “It’s not your fault, Liam. I promise you, none of this is your fault. Niall is not dead, he would probably be though if you hadn’t been here.”

"If I had been here I could’ve kept him from doing it." Soon enough everyone would be convinced that it had actually been my fault, but then it’d be too late because I’d be dead.

"Liam, no, don’t think that, you don’t know whether he has done it himself." An option that I hadn’t considered because it was completely irrelevant.

"He’s dead." Was all I said, making our conversation end, this was so pointless, why was I still sitting here anyway, I could’ve already jumped off a building or something.

"He’s not dead." Louis was coming in, sitting down on the floor as well in front of me and Harry, blocking my sight. He didn’t look as devastated as Harry did, maybe because he was just thinking of a way to kill me. "And he’s not going to either."

"How’d you know?" He was just lying to me, why would he tell me the truth if he feared I might go insane.

"Because I just talked to some ambulance man. I also told him that if he plans on accusing you of stabbing Niall with the knife in the kitchen then I would sue him and make sure his grandchildren still have to pay for it." What knife, one second…

"What knife?" Harry asked for me, he was still hugging me, more needing me as a support than trying to make me feel better as it seemed.

"The one that Niall most likely cut his arm with. Accidentally." Yeah, of course…

"It wasn’t an accident." How was there a knife in the kitchen full of blood, had I really not seen it due to being so panicked? Probably.

"Well, if I attempted to kill myself with a knife I wouldn’t do it in the kitchen while cutting a sandwich." If this was true then…

"I didn’t see the wound or Niall but the amount of blood on Liam and in the bathroom doesn’t look like it’s coming from simply slipping with a knife." There we had it, it didn’t make any sense at all, who knows, they’d probably really blame me for doing it. No wait, Sophia could testify for me, how ironic.

"I guess we won’t know what happened until we ask Niall." HOW DID HE PLAN ON ASKING HIM EXACTLY?!

"I don’t think you’ll ever be asking him anything again…" I mumbled, making both of them shut their mouths, Harry squeezed me tighter while Louis’s face actually softened, I had thought he was mad at me but now he moved to my other side.

"Liam. He’s not going to die, because I asked. You did a good job holding his arm up and creating pressure, yes, he lost a lot of blood and he hit his head pretty bad but that doesn’t mean he will die." What were they thinking making me hopes like this, I had already known he was dead when I had entered the bathroom, they hadn’t been there had they. "If you change now and maybe wash the blood off we can drive to the hospital."

"Why?" They both sighed at my answer, but I really wanted to know why.

"Come on, Li, you’ll see, it’s going to be okay." OKAY?!?!?!

I let them coax me into getting up anyway, leaving a bit of blood behind, looking at my fingers, it could’ve been more, my hand actually started to hurt now, I didn’t want to know what I looked like.

"No, no, don’t go to the bathroom. The kitchen is better." Louis and Harry exchanged a look, I knew that they were trying to keep me from the sight, but honestly, I wouldn’t feel any more comfortable cleaning myself while staring at a bloody knife.

As it turned out, Louis, or someone else, had put it away, all that was left was said sandwich, had it maybe really been an accident? I hadn’t found anything in the bathroom he could have hurt himself with so badly. On the other hand though, it was my fault either way.

"You need new clothes." Louis was right, I looked down at myself, both the front of my shirt and my jeans were completely drenched.

"I got some stuff in Niall’s room, I’ll go looking for it." Before I could even make one step, Harry had told me he’d do it, disappearing while Louis pulled me over to the sink, handing me some tissues.

"Here, your face looks like… well." As if I had just killed the most important person in my life, maybe that were the words he was looking for. Louis didn’t finish his sentence though, he just helped me washing the blood off the places I couldn’t see until we came to my hand, now that it was clear from Niall’s blood I could see my ripped up knuckles. "Liam… that’s your own blood, this doesn’t look good, what happened?"

"I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention, I had to run." Probably some bushes or whatever, it wouldn’t cause me to bleed to death.

"You RAN?" As I saw Louis’s shocked face I realized that he had no idea about anything at all, no one did. They didn’t know that me and Niall regularly had sex, that he was so sad all the time because of me, that I had been at my place breaking up with Sophia when this had happened. Maybe that’s why no one was blaming me, but they soon would.

"Yeah… I was at my place…breaking up with Sophia." They deserved the truth, just not the part yet where I was causing Niall to try and off himself because I was making him such false hopes. "Niall called me, I had no other option to get here than to run. When I came I found him passed out in the bathroom and…" Pretty self explaining.

Louis hadn’t listened, he was still stuck with what I had first said. “You broke up with her? Why?”

"I… I don’t love her." Luckily Harry came back with one of my shirts and the sweatpants I usually wore to sleep, but it was good enough, Louis didn’t ask any further questions and I didn’t look at him anymore while I changed, not quite sure where to put my other clothes. I wanted to burn them.

"Give them to me." Harry stuffed them in a trash bag, no idea what he was planning to do with them, but I didn’t want to find out, he could keep them or throw them away, whatever.

"Let’s go then. Li, you need band aids for your hand?" Would’ve been recommendable, but I simply shook my head, who cared about my hand?

The whole drive went by in silence, at least from my side, I just leaned my head against the window, trying not to think of the past few hours, but back to this morning, when everything had still been okay, when me and Niall had been making pancakes, yea that was a good memory.

Harry called Zayn, I tried not to listen to what he was saying, because I didn’t need someone repeating the whole story, I probably knew more than any of them anyway.

At least I knew that Niall wouldn’t make it, they were all so delusional, holding onto this idea that maybe he’d survive. I nearly felt guilty that they’d have to deal with my death as well, but Niall was more important anyway, it would maybe overshadow the fact that I was gone as well. For sure actually, because everyone loved Niall, how could they not? He was perfect, my perfect baby angel.

I wasn’t really in the mood for anyone seeing us, so we kinda had to rush inside, it would’ve only made rumors even worse if anyone saw us now, there was no way anyway that this story wouldn’t be known by everyone again just like the one a month ago or so. This made me feel even guiltier, I was not only causing trouble within the band but also our whole fandom.

The problem was that the hospital wasn’t allowed to give out information about Niall, not only because we weren’t related with him but also because of his celebrity status.

It got Louis really mad, because there actually had been some thing signed by Niall’s parents sometime, because he was underaged and lived in another country than them, that the four of us were allowed to be informed in case stuff like this happened, but they took too long checking for it on the computer.

Luckily though, they recognized us then, which was good, because I didn’t have my ID with me, and when Louis threatened to sue them just like he had with the ambulance men, it suddenly all was okay.

"This is ridiculous, someone we spend nearly every day with nearly died and we can’t know about how he’s doing." Nearly died was a good term instead of just saying how it was.

No, I hadn’t cheered up in case someone hasn’t noticed, I was walking behind Louis and Harry as the nurse took us away to talk to us, trying to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to hear. Just thinking about it made me shudder, but actually hearing someone say the words out loud would be hell, I still felt kinda numb from all of this, as if it hadn’t actually happened, but I had a feeling someone telling me that Niall was dead, gone, forever would actually break me.

That’s why I tried not to listen too closely as we came into a more silent hallway. “Okay, guys, as far as we know he has a moderate concussion, also suffered a lot of blood loss, which means he’s gonna be weak for a while. A few more hours and we couldn’t have helped him any longer, but he’ll be fine.” WAIT. “Also, about the cuts on his arms and his hips…”

She started to discuss this with Louis and Harry while I just sat down on one of the plastic chairs you always have in hospitals, burying my face in my hands. He’d be fine? He would really be okay again?! I hadn’t lost him?

Of course, I wasn’t completely convinced yet, but I had been waiting for the ‘We’re sorry guys’ that had never come. Niall was still breathing. He was still alive. I’d be able to hold him again.

"Liam, it’s okay." Someone was rubbing my back, I assumed that the nurse had gone away to leave us here waiting.

"No, it’s not." They didn’t know any of the problems I was having besides the fact that I couldn’t allow myself to believe that Niall would be the same again.

"He’s fine, Li, everything will be alright, you’ll get him back, he’ll still be your Niall." No one knew how badly I wished I could’ve believed Louis, but I needed to see Niall awake and healthy before I’d be able to.

"It’s still my fault." It was, if he had done this by himself, which we couldn’t know, then it had been because of what I had said this morning and because I had left him for Sophia tonight. All alone.

"No. Accidents happen, there’s nothing you could’ve done besides calling for help and making sure you try and stop the bleeding, all things that you have done." Yes, after I had caused all of it, that didn’t make me a hero.

"What if it wasn’t an accident?" What if like, he survived now but he’d try it AGAIN?

"We’ll have to just wait what he says, Liam. Either way he is not going to die and it won’t be your fault." At one point, I’d have to tell them, just not now.

"When can we go see him?" I leaned back now finally, my face felt wet but I didn’t bother wiping my tears, it didn’t matter, besides, I’d probably just start crying again.

"They said they’d tell us." Being in the mood that I was in, I assumed never.

 

It was an extremely nerve wrecking hour, even if I mostly refused to talk, because I couldn’t hear all the ‘It’s fine’ anymore, it definitely was everything besides that. So that’s why Louis and Harry gave up after a while, talking with each other instead, quietly, it probably was about me because I zoned off anyway, just staring down the empty wall, not so bothered by the waiting, just because I still didn’t think that they were telling me the truth.

Maybe that explained why I nearly threw up afterwards, I didn’t wait for an explanation by some doctor, I just pushed past him into Niall’s room, leaving it up to Louis and Harry to talk to him, I had something else to do, checking if Niall was still breathing.

He was. Also, he looked extremely pale, free from the blood at least, but it was worse enough to see him like this, he always kinda looked small and soft, but it was at a point now where I didn’t think it could’ve gotten any worse, why’d they think they could just leave him alone in this room?!

Niall’s arm was wrapped up in bandages and besides that he also had a bandaid on his forehead, but that was it, if you would’ve just seen him like this, you would have never thought that something like before had happened, maybe I could just pretend that he had slipped so I’d feel a little better.

I was actually scared to touch him, the needle in his hand and the fact that he should probably just not wake up for a while to recover, made me go sit in the chair next to his bed, doing nothing besides looking at his peaceful face. It bothered me that they had put the bandaid over some pieces of his hair, it would hurt him to pull it off again. Also the scars on his other arm weren’t really something I liked to be reminded of, even if it must have looked a lot worse to everyone else because I had gotten used to them. That didn’t mean I liked them there though.

All I felt like would be okay to do was reaching out slowly, ever so gently running my finger over his pale cheek, wishing he would just open his eyes and tell me that he was alright and that it had been an accident.

"He’s not gonna break." I looked up at Harry’s voice, he seemed to feel better now, almost smiling at me.

"I know." It just felt like he would, he always seemed so breakable to me but now even Harry had to see that he actually was.

We were alone now, I had not listened to even one single word, so I didn’t know when Niall would wake up again, or if. Maybe he was in a coma, a lot of people never woke up from that, I couldn’t allow myself to be relieved just because he was breathing.

"You know, the doctor said the cut has most likely not been self made." Most likely.

I just shrugged at what Louis said, it meant nothing to me, I was just trying not to cry while getting a bit braver and moving my hand up to his forehead, the side where he hadn’t been hurt, brushing his hair out of the way. “Besides I wouldn’t know why Niall would do it.”

"I do…" This had been a stupid idea, however it came out louder than I had thought and since it was quiet in here, they both heard me very well. Maybe they’d ignore me.

"Why?" Harry destroyed my hopes with that question, I was still staring at Niall’s face, absently running my fingers through his hair now, amazed that it was still so soft after it had been been red with dried blood at the tips.

"It’s…" I didn’t wanna say it, it wouldn’t make them thank me for telling them, it would make them mad if anything. Because I was mad at myself too. "It’s been my fault as well as he had cut myself."

"But you talked, didn’t you? Please tell me that you really hung out as much as I had thought, please tell me things are like they used to be." Those worries were understandable, Niall had lied one time, who said he couldn’t do it twice? However now we had been acting like we had before at interviews and whenever we had been with the others, maybe a tad too much actually.

"Yes, but… but you know that he likes me more than he should." This was going into a dangerous direction. "There’s a reason why I was in a relationship with Sophia. It was because I didn’t want to hurt Niall if we stopped being this close, I thought his feelings would go away and it’d be fine…that wasn’t the only reason."

"What’d you do?" It didn’t sound mad at all, only surprised, at least Harry was, Louis stayed quiet the whole time and I didn’t once look over to where they were sitting.

"I… I thought if I dated someone, anyone, my feelings would go away as well." So far so good, now this was out, about ten times worse things to come.

"You… you’re in love with him? Does he know?!" Yes, but he probably didn’t believe me.

"I… I would think he does after I kissed him." Oh god, this made Harry gasp and I still had worse things to confess. By now I had finally managed to take Niall’s hand, the unharmed side, it was so cold, I put my other on top of it as well, secretly hoping he’d return my soft squeeze as I tried not to think as the words tumbled out of my mouth. "And after I slept with him."

"WHAT?!" Louis shushed Harry down immediately, we waited a few seconds, worried Niall would wake up, but he didn’t even move an inch. Unfortunately. "You had sex with him? I…I mean, what does that mean now? Are you dating? I’m so confused, oh my god, Liam?"

"The problem is that we’re not dating. I don’t want to risk us breaking up one day, I don’t want to lose him and I think he’d deserve someone better than me anyway, so…" And now I had nearly lost him by NOT dating him, my theories really sucked, just like everything else.

"Oh god, I…" See, in a few seconds they’d lose their shit and start yelling at me probably, I’d deserve it, Niall wouldn’t tell me that I was a fucking asshole so they should to it, we all knew it anyway.

"That explains a lot." This was the first time Louis spoke up, I actually did look at him now, just to check, but he wasn’t mad, he wasn’t even surprised. "I thought I had imagined you guys kissing before you left for Sophia’s party."

Oh… oh wait. He had walked by as Niall had gotten so jealous he had shoved me against the door? Well, this was embarrassing… “You knew it?”

"I knew that you are in love with him, yes, and I knew that you guys have kissed at least once, but the other… stuff, no." But kissing sounded so normal now compared to everything else, I would’ve killed to know what they were thinking about me. "I just don’t understand why you don’t want to date him, though. After hearing this all… you actually ARE already dating."

"No, we’re not I…" He was the second person today to tell me this and right now staring at Niall turning to the side a little, I wished nothing more than to tell him that he was right. But I couldn’t, could I?

"Look, you don’t have to talk about it, this is your decision and we’re not judging you. And I know that Niall would have probably exploded if you had never told him the truth or… you know. He’s the last person in the world to get mad at you for kissing him, he’s been a lot happier lately. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t tried to kill himself, and even IF, then he has still called you, he would have still changed his mind." This had been so nice, I felt myself tearing up, I couldn’t understand how everyone always made sure that I wouldn’t blame myself, because I WAS. On the other hand, what Louis had said in the end was true. Niall had changed his mind, he had called me to come back home, he could have just gone ahead and it would have probably been too late already. But he hadn’t, he wanted to live.

"But I still keep making him false hopes, I didn’t want to hurt him and now I’m doing it all the time." I shouldn’t have bothered them with my problems, I just didn’t know what to do anymore now that I saw were my actions could lead to. Niall’s hand was still cold in between mine, it was warming up a little thought, so i just continued brushing over the back with my thumb, staring at Niall’s closed eyes, as if I could make him open them.

"It doesn’t look like his hopes are false." Please, if they started discussing this with me I might screw up again.

"Look, I can’t be with him, we need each other, but not as in, boyfriends, but as best friends, I can’t dare losing him. He’s always been there what would I do if one day we can’t talk anymore? He’ll find someone else." He had to.

"Then what are you gonna do, Liam? What if he DOES find someone else? Are you just gonna take it like that? You wouldn’t even let me carry him to bed that one time he fell asleep, none of us was allowed to check his knee when he had scratched it open and we also don’t even question anymore whether we’d sit next to him or share a hotel room. You want him for yourself and we all know it." True, I always said I wanted him to spend his life with someone else when in reality it would kill me.

"Why are you making this so hard for me? I never said any of this is wrong, I just want the best for him, not only now but also in the future. I probably won’t get over him and I also won’t be in a relationship with anyone as long as I know that he still loves me, I’m not gonna hurt him again, don’t worry." If that was the reason why he was trying to make me doubt my own words. I was already doubting them anyway.

"I’m not worrying, Liam. I know what’s best for him. You." Someone make him stop please before I start crying.

"He’s in hospital because of me. How is that good for him?" I admit it, I was clinging to the hope that it had been an accident now as well, I just was good at seeing everything the worst it could be.

"He’s in hospital because he slipped while cutting a sandwich and because you ran away from your girlfriend to save him in the middle of the night." It didn’t sound as bad this way, but a lot of things were wrong in his statement.

"Louis, please." They nearly laughed at me but held back, I heard it but chose to ignore it, nothing about this was funny at all.

"I’m sorry, it’s just… Niall could just wait, you’re practically dating him already, if none of you find someone else, which is very likely, then one day-"

"Okay, enough, I got it, thanks. Next topic." I needed to interrupt him before he could say the same words that Niall had already told me before falling on top of me giggling, as if I had agreed to it all of a sudden.

"Fine." Louis sounded too amused, maybe he thought I couldn’t hear him whispering to Harry, I just acted like I didn’t, I had bigger problems than that.

For example how long I still had to wait for Niall to open his eyes, he didn’t even have to stay awake, he could just tell me he was alright and go to sleep again, I just wanted to have proof he’d be just like before.

We had to wait for this for a little bit though, I tried not to take part in the conversations, only if they directly talked to me, but I didn’t want to think about anything else now besides Niall, holding his hand the whole time, getting a little more confident as I allowed myself to lean up for a quick kiss onto his cheek. I wanted to talk to him, because you know how people say they can hear it sometimes even if they were unconscious, but it would have gotten too cheesy around the others.

So when I was least expecting it, just staring down at our intertwined hands, he suddenly coughed, making all of us go quiet immediately as he moved a little, towards me. “Niall? Are you awake?”

His eyes flattered open, slowly, trying to focus on something, but he seemed to have a hard time doing that until he met mine. “Liam…”

"Hey, babe." It was hard to tell what was up with him, I couldn’t imagine that he felt well, but I was so relieved, I could’ve laughed.

"I… what happened …" The words came out too slow, I felt his hand move in mine a little, holding it tighter as I leaned forward to press a kiss on his fingers.

"You’re okay, you’re in hospital." This didn’t seem to calm him down at all, because he sniffed, having a hard time even turning his head a little.

"I can’t feel my arm." For a second, I had nothing to tell him, because I thought that something was wrong, panicking a little to be completely honest, but Harry stepped in, he was sitting on the end of Niall’s bed.

"That’s the pain killers, Niall. You probably can’t really feel anything at all, but it’s okay, it’ll go away." At least that explained the way he was talking, because everything was just numbed.

"But I… I didn’t want this I just…" He just started crying out of nowhere, that was so unexpected, I hadn’t even fully gotten what he was talking about, but I also didn’t care anymore as I moved my hand out of his, bringing it up to his cheek instead, wiping the tears.

"Ni, it’s okay, everything’s alright, what’s wrong?" It was so hard to tell what was up because I didn’t know if he was even aware of anything at all or just kinda high from the pain killers, it seemed so, but I was still worried anyway.

"I’m so tired…" I could imagine that, it’s just, he sounded so absolutely worn out while crying that I almost wished now he wouldn’t have woken up just yet.

"Go back to sleep, baby, you need to recover, okay?" My palm was now just flat against his cheek as I had noticed he was slightly snuggling into it as far as that was possible.

"You won’t leave? Please don’t leave me, please, Li. I’m scared." No idea why this was making him cry as well, all I knew was that it was hurting me, where’d he think I’d go without him?

"I’m not going, I’ll stay right here, I promise. There’s no need to be scared, I’m here." After he had probably tried really hard, I suddenly felt Niall’s hand on my arm, as if to keep it in place, he was too weak to really hold me, but I hadn’t planned on doing it anyway. I was just hoping that his arm wouldn’t start bleeding if he moved it.

"Can I get a kiss?" He sniffed, meeting my eyes, his were slightly red, just like his face, there was no way I could’ve been able to tell him no, I had no idea whether he was aware that Harry and Louis were watching and not even one meter away, because I was, somehow thankful now that I had told them before, because it would have been obvious from this second on.

I didn’t bother answering, just standing up before I could actually think about the stares in my back as I stroked Niall’s cheekbone softly while leaning over him, just letting my breath ghost over his lips for one second before pressing mine on top, not like I usually would, but as if he was made out of glass. “I love you.”

Even if I tried to whisper, I believe everyone heard it, and if they hadn’t they for sure heard Niall since he wasn’t trying to keep quiet at all. “Love you too…”

Then he closed his eyes again, I stayed a little bit like this, leaning over him to watch his face more closely, see if he had really fallen asleep so quickly, but it seemed so.

"So much about you’re not perfect for him." I ignored them, just pressing my lips to Niall’s forehead before sitting back down, keeping my hand in his face like he had wanted me to. He was alive, that’s all that mattered to me, he’d be fine.

Of course I had wanted to ask him what had happened, but it was more important to let him rest, not get him worked up because I couldn’t wait to find out, he had been crying already, he couldn’t need me making it worse.

"I’ll go and get Zayn, he probably won’t find the way." Harry suddenly threw in, jumping up to leave without waiting for an answer.

"I’ll come with you." Okay, well, this was pretty obvious now.

They either wanted to do things I shouldn’t see or they had seen that I was about to tear up, it didn’t matter to me on the other hand, I was actually glad that they were gone so I could move my chair closer to Niall, letting go of his face for a bit to just hold his hand as tight as I thought would be okay.

"Babe… I know you probably can’t hear me, but you have no idea how fucking scared I was you’d die. I love you so much, I didn’t think it’d be possible, I’m so lost without you and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. You know… I can’t make up the past but I never wanted to hurt you in any way, ever since we met I only wanted you to be okay and I promise you , there’s never gonna be someone else that I’ll love more than I love you. Even if it sounds cheesy, but we’ve been through so much and we’ve spent so much time together, if you were gone I wouldn’t be able to live on without you." There was a tear on my cheek that I didn’t bother wiping away, I leaned over Niall again, making sure he was properly tugged in before kissing his face more often than I had planned.

As I sat back again, playing with his fingers a little, noticing how small they were compared to mine made my heart melt, he was so cute and so perfect, I actually couldn’t believe that there’d be a world where he would ever want me.

Since the others didn’t come back anytime soon, I started talking with Niall again, crying a bit in between, actually a lot, but I must’ve talked myself to sleep after a while, with my head next to Niall, because as I opened my eyes again, the light was turned off.

It couldn’t have been Niall since his hand was still in mine and he didn’t look as if he had moved at all.

As soon as I sat up more straight, I realized the others were there as well, talking quietly, with Zayn. They had taken so long getting him I had actually slept for who knows how many hours, it probably was after midnight already.

They didn’t notice me waking up at first, only when I stretched slightly, which was complicated while refusing to let go of Niall’s hand, but I had promised I’d be there, so I was.

"Finally, you’re awake." It was quite dark without any light at all, I could hardly see Zayn when he came over to me. "The others told me everything."

"Oh really." Yes, this was supposed to sound sarcastic, it was fine though, he deserved to know as well.

"Yeah, but… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I wanted to come earlier, but I got stuck like everywhere and there’s a hell lot of paparazzi in front of the hospital." Oh great, really, perfect. "I hope they have some other exit or we won’t get Niall out of here alive." I knew he meant nothing, but it made me flinch.

"Yeah well… they won’t let him go so soon anyway." Because he still hadn’t woken up again as it seemed, it did start me to worry a little, but I mean, someone would have come check for him, wouldn’t they? "How late is it?"

"Like one or two am." Holy shit, my talk with Sophia had already been six hours ago. "Do you think we can turn the lights back on?"

I agreed that it was kinda annoying not see much, but I didn’t want to risk waking Niall accidentally however Louis or Harry had turned on the lights before I could say something, making us all blink for a few seconds.

"Liam, are you gonna stay here the whole night?" Not only the night, Harry.

"Yeah. Why?" I’d sleep on the floor if necessary, or donate my whole money to this hospital just so I could keep my promise.

"Just asking, we wanted to leave in half an hour or so, Niall doesn’t need us all staying, we’ll come back by tomorrow though." Even if I didn’t understand how someone could possibly leave Niall like this, I kinda did know the reason and I was actually glad, I could take care of Niall by myself and at least then it’d just be us. Provided he woke up.

While the others sat down again for a bit before leaving, I brought my attention back to Niall, it was hard always staring at him, not knowing when the next time he’d wake up again would be. I missed him so much, we had been together, but we hadn’t properly talked to each other or hugged in so many hours I felt as if I was lacking of air.

As I let go of his hand to press another kiss onto his lips, knowing he wouldn’t react, I was pretty shocked to feel him stirring underneath me, immediately leaning back again to see what was up.

"Hmm… Ow." Niall’s face scrunched up a bit as he blinked against the light, trying to sit up when he stopped leaning onto his arm all of a sudden, falling back into the pillows, not looking very comfortable.

"Niall?" His eyes found mine now, he didn’t seem to feel numb because of the pain killers anymore as he smiled at me briefly, not for long though, I think he was in pain. "Are you okay?"

"I… I don’t know…" I let my fingers stroke his cheek again, to maybe make him feel a tiny bit better as I looked down, watching him slowly lifting his cut arm to examine it.

"Does it hurt?" The wound had been so deep, I couldn’t imagine how it couldn’t hurt.

First I thought he wouldn’t answer, but then he looked at me all of a sudden, tears in his eyes. “Yes…”

No way was he going to suffer now, I turned immediately, not taking my hand away from him, seeing the others pretending to not be watching us. “Can one of you get a nurse or something?”

"Yeah, sure, give me one second." Zayn jumped up immediately, probably feeling the most guilty because he hadn’t been here for so long.

"Liam…" I just wanted to get into bed with him and make everything that was causing him any kind of discomfort go away. Instead I took his other hand, holding it tighter as I felt him squeeze it, wrapping one arm around his stomach carefully.

"What’s the matter, babe? Zayn will be back in no time, you’ll see." It was really tempting to press the emergency button next to his bed.

"No, that’s not it I… I wanted to apologize." He took a deep breath while my heart started speeding up dramatically, any more and I could’ve been happy I was in a hospital. "I’m sorry I’m so clumsy, it was just a dumb mistake."

"What happened?" Behind me I could almost hear Louis’s ‘I TOLD YOU’, but I was more focused on the way Niall’s lips were moving so beautifully I could hardly draw my eyes away.

"I… I was hungry and I made a sandwich but… I didn’t know where to put the knife, so I held it as I reached up with the other. But I had to stretch more than I thought and my fingers slipped and I had been holding the knife in such a stupid way that it went directly in my arm I… I didn’t know what to do, because it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I remember calling you but I know nothing after that or what I have even said to you. I’m sorry, Liam." It had really been a fucking accident, nothing more.

"What were you trying to reach that was so important?" Louis threw in from behind, I could almost hear the smile in his voice without checking, I rather watched Niall.

"Uhmm… peanut butter." He had managed to get himself into hospital because of peanut butter.

"Aw, baby, I’m sorry." It actually didn’t make me laugh like Harry and Louis, I started to feel even worse, no one had seen the amount of blood or had had to press into the cut, not even talking about how much it must’ve hurt to get your arm sliced up by a knife.

"No, I’m sorry… I mean I don’t know what happened, but…" I didn’t want to tell him, he shouldn’t think that I had saved his life, so I just lowered my eyes, turning his hand to press my lips against the back, keeping them there.

"It doesn’t matter now, it only matters that you’re gonna be alright, okay?" Niall nodded slowly, sniffing a little, I guess his arm must’ve really hurt, but he tried really hard not to let it show.

"Zayn will be back in a second." He better.

"It’s okay, it just burns a little…" Obviously it was a lie, I didn’t want him to feel any pain at all, but I couldn’t do anything for him right now besides holding his hand and rubbing his tummy softly, it was driving me the fuck insane.

When Zayn came back, followed by a nurse, Niall seemed to change his mind about the pain, scooting a little closer to me. It probably was the fact that he was scared of needles.

"How are you feeling?" She checked his bandages briefly, Niall nearly squished my hand, it seemed as if he was shaking next to me.

"Uhm…" There was a quick look at me before he answered, I didn’t know what for, or maybe I did as he continued to fight for words. "I…it’s… okay, I mean… it stings… a little…" Short, he was feeling like complete shit but lied because I was listening, what was he doing?

"Okay, I’ll give you this and you should feel better in a bit, okay?" Niall relaxed a bit as he realized it wasn’t anything involving needles, she’d simply put it in his hand like an IV drip.

"But… but I don’t want it to feel like before." I tried my best to make him feel better since he seemed quite panicked, stroking my thumb over his hand softly, trying to smile whenever he looked at me, he was nearly on the edge of the bed now, bringing as much distance between him and the nurse as possible. Even though I kinda liked to believe it was because he wanted to be closer to me, his arm was actually brushing my shoulder as I leaned against his bed.

"No worries, it’s just to make you feel better." Well, that wasn’t calming Niall down at all, he still watched in shock, I admit it, I didn’t want him to feel like before either, even if it would make the pain stop, but I had had to be without him for so long, I just wanted to keep on talking. "Just wait a few minutes for it to kick in. And call if something’s wrong."

"Okay… thank you." There was no doubt that everyone here knew who we were, who else was allowed to have visitors at two am and still get a smile? Or maybe she was just deadly in love with Niall, I’d understand that, so was I.

"I hope this helps really quick…" Niall mumbled, bitting his lip as he looked at me. "But it’s actually not so bad-"

"Niall, you can just say it, you know… I saw the wound…it’d be weird if it didn’t hurt." I hadn’t wanted him to know however he’d find out how things had went eventually, I held his hand a little tighter, brushing over his hair in slow motions with the other.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, looking pretty guilty, I heard the others stand up. They hadn’t really said much since Niall had woken up, something I appreciated because they knew how badly I wanted to be the one he talked to.

"We’ll come back tomorrow, you’re gonna be alright with Liam, right?" That wink had been so obvious I almost forgot to get slightly annoyed, not so much anymore as I felt Niall’s fingers drawing patterns on my arm.

"Yeah, of course." Maybe he was confused, I’d have to tell him that they knew or it’d make him look stupid.

"Alright, don’t stay up too late guys." Again, I tried to ignore the laughs and Niall hopefully how they ruffled his hair before leaving, keeping a secret was not even remotely one of their strengths.

"You know… if you are uncomfortable on your chair then…" There was finally a bit of color on Niall’s cheeks as he looked away from me, I tried hard not to smirk at what he was about to say. "Then I think in here is enough space."

"I don’t wanna hurt you though." Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to, but I didn’t want Niall to be uncomfortable.

"It’s okay, I think the stuff is starting to help now. Besides, you can just lie on this side then I don’t have to move my arm a lot." I wasn’t really convinced yet, but Niall attempted to sit up when in reality he just leaned closer to me, kissing my cheek quickly. "Please?"

"Okay, alright." How could I have told him no when his face brightened up like the sun? "Can you sit up? I’l help you."

He could only use one elbow to lean on, so I held him, making sure he just remained seated a few seconds so he wouldn’t get dizzy before moving to the other side of the bed while I still held his healthy arm. “I’m fine, Li, just come cuddle with me please.” The giggle was kinda nervous, I was actually so glad that his cheeks turned pink again, it made him look more alive again.

Since I didn’t wanna make him wait, or wait myself, I took my shoes off, feeling a little warmer as Niall held up his blanket, as if to leave me no other choice but getting under it with him. Hospital beds were never that comfortable, but it was extremely worth pulling Niall closer to me carefully until he cuddled into the crook of my shoulder, placing his arm on my stomach under the blanket. 

I hadn’t thought that I’d ever be able to feel him snuggling into my side ever again, hearing him sigh softly as I moved my hand into his hair to sort out the mess.

"I wish we were home right now." Yeah, that’d be nice.

"We’ll be soon and I’ll stay here until then." He lifted his head just a little to kiss my shoulder before lying back down, obviously enjoying my strokes. "Hey, Niall…would you be mad at me if I told you that the others know about… about how we love each other very much?" I didn’t know how to put it, I just didn’t want the others coming back tomorrow and making jokes without Niall knowing what they were about.

"No, that’s okay. They would’ve found out at one point. Besides…" Even though I couldn’t see his face, I felt like he was smiling into my shirt. "Everyone can know what kinda stuff we are doing."

That’s what I had thought his reaction would be like, he sounded proud and that was not really helping me to get control over this situation again, Louis’s words still stuck with me as well. “Niall?”

"Hm?" He actually turned so he could look at me, smiling brightly as I brushed the back of my hand over his cheek softly.

Without giving him an answer, I pulled him down gently, waiting if he was okay lying like this, I guess he was, because he didn’t waste any time connecting our lips, slightly parting his. I actually hadn’t thought we’d deepen the kiss, but it just kinda happened, partly because as I had his approval I couldn’t hold back anymore. I had been so fucking scared, I had actually already been sure that I’d never talk to him again, not even thinking about kissing, but now we were here and I actually had to lean back just so I could look at him and be sure this was real.

"What’s wrong?" Niall was whispering after I cupped his face, overwhelmed suddenly.

"Nothing I… I’m just happy you’re here." There was no way really to say those words without basically telling him that I had thought he’d die or that there had been a possibility that he wouldn’t be here now.

"Are you crying?" His voice sounded shocked, he reached out for my cheek with the bandaged arm, I really hoped that it didn’t hurt anymore and that he wasn’t doing it despite the pain.

"No, I’m not…" The tears didn’t really help me to be convincing. As an excuse, I had had already planned out my suicide.

"Liam… how bad was it?" Someone would tell him, tomorrow probably, so I could as well do it myself.

I pulled him down again gently, so he’d rest his head next to mine, his hand slipping down to the side of my neck. “It’s just I… you know when you called me, I had just finished speaking with Sophia, she’s not mad by the way which is not the point. But you were… passed out on the bathroom floor and… there was all this blood, I… I thought you were going to…to die.”

"Li… I’m sorry…" Why was he sorry all the time?

"No, don’t. I just can’t stop thinking about it, that there had been a possibility I might never talk to you again. They were all telling me you’d be fine but I didn’t believe it, i thought I had already lost you…and I thought it’s been my fault." Talking about it, especially with him, wasn’t making things better, I didn’t want him to know about it actually, I didn’t want him to know how I couldn’t get it out of my head.

"Why would it be your fault?" As he moved a little, I wrapped my arms around him tighter, he shouldn’t see me crying.

"Because… because I thought you were trying to kill yourself. Because of what I’m putting you through." I pressed my eyes shut, seeing nothing besides red. That’s also what I had dreamed of before when I had fallen asleep.

"No. No, Liam, I would never do that, I would never leave you, okay? Never. I promised you I’d never cut myself again, it counts for this as well. I’ll never leave you." The fact that he sounded so upset that I’d be thinking something like that and the honesty in his words made me cry a little harder, I buried my face in his hair, quite enjoying how he put his hands over my arms. "And about the other thing, you’re not putting me through anything at all. I got you and that’s all that I want, I know you have doubts and everything, but like I told you, I’ll wait. I’ve been waiting for you all this time and I always will be waiting for you."

My heart could’ve burst from his words, I didn’t know what to say so I just cried, I hadn’t really cried hard until now, not after the ambulance had come to Niall’s place, but hearing him say those things made it all so real, how lucky I actually was to have him, to have him ALIVE, the fact that he still wanted me so much he’d just simply wait like he always had.

"Liam…please don’t cry, I’m here and I’m fine. I love you." I allowed him to sit up this time as he tried again, his face looked sad as he leaned down to kiss both my cheeks before trying to dry them with his thumbs, it didn’t really help but I enjoyed his attempts, it felt good having him doing stuff like this, running his fingers through my hair afterwards slowly as he was practically lying on top of me.

"I love you too, Ni babe. And I always will. I wouldn’t have known how to live on without you." My tears still wouldn’t stop, I was just glad that I could talk somewhat normal, one arm wrapped tightly around Niall’s waist, the other in his face, appreciating how I was allowed to touch him all I wanted.

He didn’t say anything, I was actually scared I had managed to make him cry as well, but I never found out because he just leaned forward to kiss me on the lips, making everything else unimportant.

 

Niall was allowed to go home one day after that, since he didn’t feel all that well when we woke up again. No one told me to get out of his bed so I just stayed there even as the others came back, not bothering much to see them smirking at each other.

Also getting Niall in a car turned out to be a bit of a problem, I was scared he’d get hurt while pushing through people, so I kept him close to my side, trying to shield him from cameras, which turned out to be impossible and also caused Niall to get slightly panicked because of his claustrophobia.

It was okay pretty soon again though, because I knew how to distract him if you know what I mean.

We went to my apartment, Niall didn’t seem to mind but even though I knew that the others had cleaned up his, I couldn’t have stood to go back there now.

The next few days, we didn’t really do anything at all besides sleeping in and cuddling, just spending time together, because we were even more crazy about each other now, which might have come from me being scared to leave him out of my sight but it was mostly because there was no reason to be apart when all we wanted was each other.

So Niall was really excited about getting a Christmas tree, he might have dropped a few ornaments but that was alright because it happened after I had nearly knocked down the whole tree.

Also I told him not to get me anything, actually I told him he was not allowed to which made him pout , but I simply didn’t need him spending money on me when my present was basically for the both of us and seeing him smile, waking up to his face every day, all that was worth more than any present in the world.

The night before Christmas, Niall was extra bubbly, my lips already hurt from how he never let go of me just to laugh again the next second, I didn’t mind though, it actually got me really happy as well, just the fact alone that it would just be us was enough reason.

"Niall, are you done yet?" He had claimed he needed to go back to the bathroom again and fix his hair, which was completely unnecessary before going to sleep, but he told me he needed to look nice since I did too so I didn’t know what to say and waited in bed for him.

"Did you miss me so much?" Before I could have even attempted to answer, he had jumped on the bed in front of me, one hand in the back of my neck to press our lips together excitedly, sitting back after a few seconds, grinning.

"Of course I did, but I was just wondering what took you so long." His hair didn’t look any different, you couldn’t make perfect any better.

"I actually lied to you, I ate chocolate and I didn’t want you to notice so I had to brush my teeth again." There was no way Niall could keep anything to himself, he was such a child sometimes it made me smile.

"I didn’t notice anything." As I said that, he leaned forward again, brushing our noses together, before giggling right into my face, I joined, but because he sounded so cute and he was so cute in general. "Ni, we gotta change your bandages, okay?"

"Okay." It didn’t sound too happy, well I wasn’t either, I hadn’t seen the cut since that day, there was only a red spot remaining on his forehead though, at least something.

Because I didn’t want him to be so far away from me, I took his legs, pulling them over mine which made Niall automatically slide closer, stretching his arm out towards me, I just took his hand in mine first of all, squeezing softly.

"Tell me if I’m hurting you, alright?" I didn’t plan on, but you never knew.

"You won’t." Now I really couldn’t risk to.

It kinda scared me to slowly remove the bandage from his arm, revealing a little bit more of the cut every time I rolled it around, but I made sure my expression wouldn’t change, even if Niall’s did as I checked.

When I was done with that, I looked down for a second, it looked incredibly big and bad, but it was probably because it had only been a few days ago and because he had gotten stitches, a lot. “When are those gonna come out?”

"I think in a week or maybe a bit longer." I checked his arm, I had been told what to look for in case it got infected, I also knew all the other details like when to change the bandage, stuff like that. "It looks good though."

"Well, good is maybe a bit too nice to describe this." As I looked at Niall, his face was scrunched up a bit in disgust.

"As long as it heals completely, it won’t matter, it’ll fade." Not completely, but it didn’t do anything to Niall’s flawless appearance, it looked harsh on his pale, skinny arm but it also meant that he was alright again.

"I guess so." Before I put the salve on and new bandages, I quickly pressed my lips to his forehead, I didn’t want him to think about this, there was nothing to do to change it now and it would just ruin his mood.

"Is it too tight?" Niall moved his arm a little as soon as I was done covering it up, he hadn’t been able to do that without pain killers for a few days, but he was doing better now. It wouldn’t split open as long as he was being careful, but it hurt whenever he bumped into something accidentally, which, being as clumsy as he was, happened quite often.

"No, it’s fine." He moved forward just a little so he was straddling my lap now, arms around my neck, pecking my lips. "Thank you."

"No problem, babe. Are you excited for tomorrow?" A topic change was the best now, it made me relax to see how quickly his smirk came back by just asking a simple question.

"No, I’m not, I’m sick of your surprises, Liam." Of course he was not, he just couldn’t stand waiting and I had told him about why he wasn’t allowed to get me something and that it was a surprise. Like every time actually, I couldn’t remember getting him something without making him all excited a few days before, it was like tradition.

"Liar." I kissed his protest away, running my hands up and down his sides softly, the heating was broken and it was snowing outside, so there was another good excuse for why we had to cuddle all the time. "Are you cold?"

"Yes, I’m freezing to death." Had I expected a serious answer to that, I guess not.

Niall laughed at himself, hugging me closer before climbing off my lap, I held his good arm, just in case, he had fallen off that bed way too often.

"Then come here." He actually was under the blanket before me, because I had forgotten to turn off the lights, so I stretched over, while Niall was clinging to my arm, complaining that he would soon get frost bites if I took any longer, it made me laugh, he was so silly.

"That’s not even funny, Liam." I made sure his arm wouldn’t get squeezed between us as I pulled him into my arms, in complete darkness now, my mouth kinda failed his mouth but I guess his nose was fine as well.

"No worries, you’re not getting any frost bites, baby." His hand ended up underneath my shirt, it was actually really cold thinking about it, so I tangled our legs up to get him closer to me.

"I think I will actually, on my lips especially." What a coincidence.

"Well, I can’t let that happen, can I?" I stroked over his chin softly before letting my eyes fall closed, teasing him a little and simply brushing my lips over his before he got impatient, so I turned it into a real kiss, smiling as Niall laughed when I started tickling his side a little.

 

When I blinked the next day, I was facing my window, the blinds hadn’t been fully shut so it really hurt to look at the light.

As I turned around with closed eyes, I tried reaching out for Niall, expecting him to be right behind me, but I just grabbed the pillow. Well, this was not really what I was hoping for when I felt like snuggling with him.

I decided to risk a look despite my tiredness, nearly laughing.

Remember when I had said Niall fell of the bed a lot, he was lying on the other edge, with one arm and his head down, only his legs half covered with the blanket.

It was actually so cute, because he tended to move so much and also mumble in his sleep, I didn’t mind anymore having to get up and crawl over to him to make sure he wouldn’t fall.

"Hey, baby…" I rubbed his shoulder softly before leaning over him, he just sighed, not waking up as I rolled him over carefully, keeping my hand under his cheek until I was sure his head would hit the pillow not too quickly. Since I had no idea how long he had stayed in this position without being tugged in, I got worried and covered him with the whole blanket since I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anymore anyway.

For a bit, I just enjoyed the sight at his adorable face, how his hair was all messed up and his fringe would soon get into his eyes if he didn’t cut it. I actually didn’t want him to, just like I had never wanted him to get braces, I had always thought he was perfect, just like he was.

As I pressed a kiss to his lips, half lying on top of him, his eyes flattered open slowly, confused for a bit before he yawned, reminding me of a puppy. “Merry Christmas, Niall.”

"Hmm… Merry Christmas to you too…" His words were hard to understand because his eyes were falling closed again even as I sprinkled his face with small kissed before putting my head in between his head and shoulder, kissing his neck as well.

"Do you want breakfast?" I knew he wasn’t asleep since he had his cheek leaned against my head, freeing his hand from the blanket to hold mine instead.

"Yes please…" Oh god, he was so sleepy, it was adorable to see him rubbing his eyes like a toddler before looking at me with half closed eyes as I lifted my head.

"I’ll carry you, okay?" It wouldn’t have bothered me to make him breakfast in bed, but he’d never get up if I did that.

"Okay…" As I sat up, Niall still kept his eyes on me, getting both his arms free of the blanket and stretching them out slightly towards me, pouting his lips a little in a way that made me laugh softly.

I gave in to his silent pleading, connecting our lips briefly before wrapping my arms around him, feeling his curling around my shoulder so I could pull him up with me.

"You’re so cute when you’re sleepy." It was true, his hair sticking out in all directions, his tired eyes and how he always wanted to cuddle with me.

"Thanks…." He didn’t really know what he was saying, I felt him leaning his head on my shoulder for a second before I softly pulled away, standing up.

"Come here, it’s okay, I’ll hold you." Niall’s coordination in the morning wasn’t horrible, it was non existent, he nearly fell down even though I was holding both his hands, then he just kinda fell against me, waiting for me to pick him up.

It was really easy to carry him like a child, with his legs around my waist and his head on my shoulder, on the edge of falling asleep again, he probably didn’t even weigh half as much as me. “Liam…?”

"Yes, baby?" I stopped quickly to kiss the side of his head, feeling him tighten his arms a little.

"I would ask you what the surprise is but I know you won’t tell me anyway." That made me laugh, obviously we were playing this game for a bit too long now.

"I’ll tell you sometime today, okay?" Niall didn’t even get mad anymore or attempted to, he just kinda agreed, though I wasn’t sure because it sounded like a sigh.

When we reached the kitchen, Niall slowly slipped down, not so stable on his feet as it would be normal for a person, I knew that it was probably just him, however I still felt the need to ask.

"Are you okay? You know, because you hit your head pretty bad. Better sit down." There wouldn’t have been anything I could’ve done to help him anyway, we just needed to wait for it to get better. Until then, I’d just never let him go.

"Im fine, I’m just tired." He smiled up at me after sitting down, slipping down a little so he could rest his head on the back of the chair.

"Tell me if something is wrong, okay?" A small nod, his eyes were half closed again. "Okay, what do you want for breakfast? You can have anything you want, it’s Christmas."

"Hmmm… pancakes?" Why had I even asked?

"On the way." I wrapped my arm around him from behind quickly, kissing the top of his head before turning to give him what he had asked for.

Keeping up a conversation turned out to be fairly difficult at first, I sometime’s threw a glance over my shoulder, just to make sure he wouldn’t slip down in case he fell asleep, but he was actually watching my back, smiling at me sleepily as our eyes met. Not too long after that I nearly jumped at feeling someone wrap their arms around my stomach from behind, pressing a kiss on my shirt. It made me feel warm to have him this close, not only because his stomach was warming up my back but also because well, I always liked it when he came to cuddle.

"I love you so much." The words had been unexpected causing me to nearly drop the pan before smiling, which Niall couldn’t see because he had his cheek pressed against my back.

"I love you too." As I rubbed his arms softly, he only tightened his grip, humming against my shirt.

As soon as I was done, Niall seemed to be more awake, his dimples were showing as he got onto his tiptoes, pulling me down for a kiss that gave me chills down my spine.

"I think we should not go anywhere today and eat the whole day." Niall’s feet were on my lap beneath the table almost as soon as I sat down across, he seemed to be excited over emptying half the bottle of maple syrup on his pancakes, I had saved some for myself before, because I had known this would happen.

"Isn’t that what you’re doing every day." I laughed, quickly apologizing as Niall threw a glance at me, I remembered that his feet were dangerously close to my stomach, so I wrapped my hands around them, to save myself but also because I regretted not making him wear socks.

"I don’t eat all day, because you never let me." Yes, because he didn’t know his limit and regularly got stomach aches.

"Fine, today is an exception, we can do whatever you want." I offered, getting a smile in return, his mouth was full of maple syrup, he was so, so adorable I didn’t know what to with myself.

In case you’re wondering, we did exactly that, eating all day, playing videos games, watching TV, and after ‘We don’t have any cookies and it’s Christmas’, we also made those which ended with us having to clean up the kitchen for over an hour because it had all turned into a food fight. Too bad that we only had one shower we could get ourselves cleaned up in, I didn’t mind sharing with Niall though and I think he didn’t find it so bad himself.

So after that, Niall came to sit next to me on the couch, with a blanket, his legs over my lap, watching the lit up Christmas Tree, it was getting dark by now so it actually looked pretty. “We forgot to decorate the bottom.”

It was true, like, I was actually glad no one had seen the tree besides us. “Yeah…it’s not so bad though. For our first attempt, we’ll make it better next year.”

His smile was incredible as I said that, talking about us spending Christmas together next year. And hopefully in two years. And in three. And every year following. “You know… it’s getting dark already…”

I couldn’t help smiling back now, we were holding hands underneath the blanket, so I brought one of his up to my lips, kissing his knuckles softly before answering, knowing what he was gonna say. “I’ll tell you in a bit, be patient, Ni.”

He rolled his eyes at my answer, scooting a little closer as far as that was possible. “I hate waiting.”

"I know, babe, I just like making you excited, I’m sorry." It always payed off in the end, at least for me, Niall just sighed heavily, snuggling his head into my shoulder, yawning a little. I couldn’t believe he was tired again, we had done nothing at all, we hadn’t even walked out just one time, on the other hand I loved when he fell asleep on me, because it meant he trusted me and he felt save with me. I kissed around his head a little, making sure his hair wouldn’t fall into his eyes before having a brilliant idea. "Let’s go for a walk."

"What? Liam, it’s snowing and it’s dark." My idea didn’t seem to appear that bad to him though, because he lifted his head, looking a bit unsure about it but not completely as if he would hit me if I made him come with me.

"Come on, I’ll tell you if you agree." I’d tell him either way, but I really wanted him to say yes.

"Fine. But you better not let me go or I’ll get sick." He used my worries about him on pure purpose, I wouldn’t have let him go even if he hadn’t asked me to and even it would have been warm outside, but I liked the fact that he didn’t want me to as well.

"Of course not, alright." Niall managed something like a smile that made me laugh, kissing him quickly instead of thanking him for agreeing.

It wasn’t that cold outside, maybe because I had forced Niall to wear so much stuff he had nearly backed out, however he didn’t put on one glove, because I had none either and because he wanted to hold my hand. That was so cute I just couldn’t tell him to put it back on, trying to keep his fingers warm between mine instead.

"So, tell me." There was hardly anyone on the streets, and even if, they wouldn’t have recognized us, because Niall had his cat ears beanie on and he looked pretty flushed in the face, besides the jacket was too big and he looked like the cutest thing on earth in general.

"Just wait a bit, babe." Niall rolled his eyes and I leaned down to kiss the top of his head, wiping away a snowflake that had landed on his cheek.

"I’ve done my waiting, Liam, in a few minutes I might not want to know it any longer and then you can enjoy the surprise all by yourself." Of course he’d want to know it in a few minutes, he’d explode before not knowing.

"No, I won’t." I couldn’t tell him now because it wasn’t the right location, in the middle of the sidewalk, I didn’t live in an area with a lot of houses, so I just started going going off the way after a while, a little up a hill even though Niall cursed me for doing it, but I laughed it off. "I won’t let you fall, you’ll see."

"Yeah, tell me that again when I’m covered in snow." In some way I understood why he was so grumpy, but I couldn’t help waiting until the last second, I did it all the time and in the end he was so freaking excited to find out he’d like it no matter what it was.

Because to be honest, I always got really nervous before stuff like this, even if I knew for a hundred percent that he’d love me for that, it’s just, I didn’t want to disappoint him.

We reached the top of the hill, Niall was still complaining a little until I just turned him around softly so he’d see the view. “- and you know what I… oh.”

"It’s pretty, isn’t it?" It was indeed, because this was probably the only place I knew where you’d be high enough to see further than just a few houses, especially now, at night and with so much snow when there were lights everywhere and yet we were plunged in complete silence up here.

"Yeah…" Niall obviously found it nicer than he said, because he seemed to be fascinated, I had chosen the word ‘pretty’ on purpose, because if I’d say it was romantic, which it was, it would have gotten too cheesy far too quickly.

"Come over here." There was a playground not far behind, with one of those playhouses you could climb up into and with a roof, so no snow in there.

"Are you being serious, Liam?" He giggled nonetheless, actually already attempting to climb up, I held him from behind, it wasn’t far, but I didn’t want him to fall or get hurt because of his arm. "There’s hardly any space."

"I thought it’d be okay if we squeeze in a little." It was good that he agreed with me on that, because he ended up nearly in my lap as soon as I had climbed up as well, wrapping him up in my arms to keep him warm. "You wanna know what the surprise is now?"

"Yes!" Niall leaned back immediately, I smiled softly to see him this happy, lightly stroking his flushed cheek. We’d have to go back before he got even colder.

"Okay… there’s two parts to this. Part one is not really the surprise but…" I reach into my pocket, I had had a hard time grabbing stuff before without Niall noticing, I had two things, not giving them to him yet. "I thought that, you know, my family wants me to come home so we can be together for a few days and I thought maybe you wanted to come with me."

"Really?" His eyes were already sparkling at that even though it wasn’t the real surprise, it’s just something I had thought would make him happy. And me as well.

"Of course, babe, do you think I could stand to be without you for so long?" I smiled against his lips as he kissed me over excitedly, pulling back soon because that hadn’t been everything, however as soon as I opened my mouth to tell him the second thing as well, he was faster.

"You can come with me later when I go home as well. I kinda… I kinda told everyone already you would." If it was possible, I felt even happier now, this had really turned out as good as I had hoped it would be, maybe better.

"I’d love to." Niall smiled really wide, he was about to kiss me again, but I stopped him softly, laughing. "Wait, wait. There’s still the real surprise remember?"

He sat up straight immediately, watching my hands in which I was holding the stuff, my heart was pounding too fast for this. I shouldn’t be this nervous about something like this, but I was dying to tell him.

"Okay, here’s the first thing." It was obviously a letter, I mean, there was no need to tell him what it was as I handed it over to him, watching his face. The fact that he might read it any second nearly gave me a stroke. "You should open it."

Niall nodded slowly, he had gotten quiet as he fumbled with the edges, finally managing to open it, folding the paper inside open.

After the first sentence he stopped suddenly, looking at me with a crooked smile, confusing me with giving it back to me. “Can you read it to me?”

Oh god, I hadn’t thought it was possible to be this nervous in a situation like this, it made me hot to imagine him reading it by himself, leave alone reading it to him out loud. “Okay, come here.”

He kissed my cheek softly before leaning his head onto my shoulder, hugging my arm and waiting for me to start reading, it took me a few seconds, and a few breaths before I was ready, then I just read it in one go, not stopping or leaving Niall any time to comment on it, even as my throat started to feel tight.

 

_Niall,_

_I’m not really good at writing love letters because the only time I’ve done it was in kindergarden and the girl spat on me afterwards so I really hope it turns out better this time._

_I know it probably sounds cheesy but I still remember the first time we met, when we shared a room on the X-factor and stayed up the whole night because we both were too excited to sleep._

_Ever since then I always felt that we’d stay friends in some way, even before we had been put in a band, but I feel so close to you and I always have, from the first day on, even when you still had those terrible crushes on every singer and I had to listen to you fangirling over every single one. I’m not gonna lie, I still enjoyed it, simply because I like listening to you talking._

_I can’t tell you how terribly lucky I feel for having you by my side all those years, you became my best friend so quickly, it’s like we were meant to be._

_And also thank you, for the countless amounts of trying to teach me to play guitar even though I might be the worst person at it, for always being there for me and sticking up for me even if everyone else is getting mad and for listening. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but you’re probably the best listener in the world, I’d trust you with everything, even my life, no question._

_And thank you for all the times you cheered me up by making a stupid face or by simply being there for me or just hugging me, I love your hugs, they’re the best thing in the world, after kissing you of course._

_I know that the past few months, we have gotten closer than ever, and I know you’re sick of it but I wanted to apologize again, for what I have done to you._

_I promise you, I always only wanted the best for you, and if I hadn’t truly believed that it would be good for you then I swear, I wouldn’t have done it, because I had been hurting as well, it was hell being apart from you._

_You are way too precious to me to let go of, I couldn’t survive being without you and when you were in hospital I was constantly afraid that you’d never open your eyes again or that I’d never be able to hug you again or get one of those silly text messages that make me crack up when we’re supposed to be serious._

_There’re so many things that make me happier than I could ever tell you, the way I wake up in the morning and the first thing I see is your cute face, how you always came into my bed on tour when you were scared, the times when you fall asleep on me, because I love keeping you save in your sleep._

_Niall, I hope you know how much I love you, more than anything, because I can’t possibly put it into words._

_You are the most beautiful person that I have and will ever meet, inside and out, and I know that I have told you all the reasons why I’m scared of us being together this way, even if I will never find someone who I will love just remotely close to how much I love you._

_But I’ve been thinking about it and when I watched you sleeping in my bed the other night and heard you talk in your sleep, I could’ve cried because you said my name and I wouldn’t survive if you’d ever mumble someone else’s name in your dreams._

_I realize now that I don’t want you to find someone else, even if it’s selfish, but I want you all to myself and if things would ever get complicated, then I’d fight for you instead of letting you, I’ll never let you go Niall, and I apologize for making you wait this long, but I’m so happy that you did._

_So excuse the length of this letter when I wrote it simply to ask you one single question._

_Niall James Horan, do you want to be my boyfriend?_

 

I finished with tears running down my cheeks, folding up the letter before asking him the last question without reading it.

Niall took his time to react, he was clinging to my arm and I realized he was crying really hard when he suddenly sobbed, lifting his head, showing me his wet face and red eyes.

"Really? You want me to be your boyfriend? Me?!" He was crying so badly and he sounded so shocked, it made me start all over again as well, pulled him into my lap to cradle him to my chest.

"Yes, Nialler, of course I do. I’ll never want anyone else, you’re always gonna be my number one." His tears hit my neck, I rocked him in my arms a bit, I was so happy on one side I could’ve laughed for the rest of my life, on the other I was emotional as hell and felt like I’d never be able to stop crying.

"I love you, I love you so much, of course I want to, that’s not even worth a question, I only want you and no one else." After choking this out, I laughed just before stopping again, I didn’t know anymore how to feel, this had turned out a lot better than I had thought it would.

"Do you want to see what else I got you?" I was a lot less nervous now, wiping my face quickly to look down at Niall, he was nodding, not being able to stop the tears and I was so overwhelmed by the fact that those words had caused him to feel this way. "Okay give me your good arm."

He did what I had asked him to, sniffing a bit and having a slight hiccup now that made me smile at him sweetly, pecking his forehead over his beanie before reaching into my pocket again, rubbing his back with the other hand.

I made sure to be gentle while pulling his sleeve up to reveal his delicate wrist, seeing a few of his scars as I tied the wristband around, turning it so he could read what was written on the tag in the middle.

It was the date that we had met, I had it memorized perfectly of course, with a hyphen afterwards and instead of another date, the infinity sign, because I did not plan on ever letting us go separate ways.

Niall stared at his wrist for a while, brushing his fingers over the sign before looking at me, he was still crying but there was a smile now as well before he pressed his mouth onto mine. “Do you have one as well?”

"Umm… yes, actually, I-"

"Give it to me." He just reached into my pocket himself before taking my hand, tying the wristband around before looking up at me with the biggest smile on his lips, still having a hiccup that made us both laugh before I started to wipe his cheeks, leaning my forehead against his. "Thank you, Liam, that was the best surprise you have ever given to me."

"I love you." Was all I said, pulling him closer to my chest before gently kissing him, happier than I had probably ever been in my whole life.

As we walked back, actually I was the only one walking, because I was giving Niall a piggy back ride, he kissed my neck the whole time before all of a sudden starting to sing Christmas songs, I joined after a while, laughing in between because Niall didn’t know half of the lyrics.

It was perfect, I wanted us to forever be this way, I suddenly knew that my worries had been without any reason, why would we ever break up, we had been so strong all this time, nothing could ever come between us. Despite all the mistakes I had made we were together now and I didn’t plan on letting us mess this up, Niall was everything I had ever wanted, I wouldn’t let this boy go, not now, not ever.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, marry him one day, I had just been too scared to admit any of this to myself, but now that I did, it all seemed so easy with him, we needed each other, just like we needed to breathe air and I had finally realized that there was no way to replace air with something else.


End file.
